77 Quotes About Sarcastic Humor

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead. Jess C. Scott

I’d venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes. Heidi Schulz

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools. Adhish Mazumder

You know, Mac, ”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.” Machaon responded tersely. Sulari Gentill

No one plows the field just by thinking about it. Ljupka Cvetanova

If this constant bitter disappointment was love, then I was perfectly fine not to have anything to do with it. Vann Chow

It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. Jess C. Scott

..each ministry has an allocation of money to spend on projects agreed to by the government. Every Secretary of State is acutely aware that his tenure of office maybe very short, so he picks out a major contract for himself from the many available. It's the one way to ensure a pension for life if the government is changed overnight or the minister simply loses his job. Jeffrey Archer

Rupert: "... At this rate, somebody is bound to upset the Warlock once too often, and we'll end up with a Court full of bemused looking toads."" He wouldn't dare use his magic here, " said the Champion."Don't bet on it, " said Rupert. "The High Warlock has all the practicality and self-preservation instincts of a depressed lemming. Simon R. Green

Oh. Sure. It makes perfect sense. Zane is a wolf because his father is an eagle. C.J. Milbrandt

It’s like a jolt of electricity, but worse. Lee Davidson

The great thing about the Internet isn't that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply that you can log on to jcpenney.com from anywhere and order fresh underwear immediately after seeing your life flash before your eyes. David C. Holley

I know the power of speech. I don't talk much. Ljupka Cvetanova

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs. Ljupka Cvetanova

If all it takes to motivate you is a quote then this quote has nothing to say — except to go soar with the freakin’ eagles. Ryan Lilly

My cock actually sort of staggers like a punch-drunk boxer who doesn’t know when to stay down. Alexis Hall

Never trust your colleagues. Work politics are founded by them. Adhish Mazumder

A full glass of patience with a pinch of sarcasm is all you need to deal~ Tanya Gambhir

I didn’t intend it to come out sarcastically, but I guess that’s just where my tone of voice automatically goes these days. M.A. George

Phrase the question any way you like… The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass. M.A. George

I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo’s presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions. M.A. George

It’s a sad state of affairs when I’m the one bringing sanity to the equation M.A. George

There’s an empty seat next to me in the ‘intensely aggravating’ section…and it’s got your name on it M.A. George

The cleanest civilization I’ve ever seen…and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt? M.A. George

I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush. M.A. George

But you know as well as I do that anger won’t solve anything.”“ I beg to differ, ” he shrugged. “Anger can be quite rewarding…at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion. M.A. George

My instincts told me that death would somehow be…different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It sure seemed like the usual voice inside my head. Thank God there was only one of them. M.A. George

See, that’s just it… You shouldn’t even know sayings like that, ” I griped. “It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the way– I’m the village idiot.’? M.A. George

Ah yes…” He made an exaggerated nod. “I was supposed to be filling you in on Nangí’s story.” He winked at me playfully, as I kept up my glare. “Now, where should I begin?”“ Tell you what, let me get you started, ” I came back. “Once upon a time, there was this über-creepy old man–who looks like he lives in a haunted shack and eats small children for breakfast–and I decided to make him my new best friend becaaauuse… Okay, your turn. . M.A. George

Think of mental energy as broadcasting on a certain wavelength, ” he tried to explain. “People with powers of the mind can tap into that wavelength…”“ That’s all fine and good, ” I nodded, “but evidently my transmitter is broken. Or much more likely… I never had one in the first place.”“ Ah, yes, ” he nodded unenthusiastically, “and your nose is mounted upside-down.”“ Excuse me?” My forehead creased.“ I do wish you would quit contradicting me, ” he let out a tired sigh. “It’s insulting…and highly annoying. . M.A. George

I’m not familiar with this word you were repeating before…‘cojones’, was it?” I blushed as Dominick patted me on the back. “Way to introduce him to the vernacular, Palta. M.A. George

Aeron’s stone-faced expression cracked, as he turned to give me a dumbfounded look. Meeting his questioning eyes, I let out a little annoyed sigh, “I refuse to believe that you don’t know the meaning of ‘cojones’.”“I’m well aware of the meaning, ” he raised his eyebrows, fighting back a smile. “Just a little surprised at your choice of words…”“ Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture, ” I responded dryly. M.A. George

You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don’t you?” I shook my head with a smirk. He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze.“ It’s an expression, ” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me you aren’t familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants.”“You have quite a repertoire of ‘pants’ references, don’t you?. M.A. George

I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours…” he teased. “I assure you I haven’t taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or–”“ Plushophilia?” I tagged on.“ Excuse me?…” came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction.“ An obsession with stuffed animals, ” I clarified. “I mean, you are a young one…”“ Where did you come up with that?” He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. “Is that even a real word?”“ I’m a doctor, I know these things, ” I shrugged. . M.A. George

Don’t be so concerned, ” he whispered. “We will get through this, I promise.” “What makes you so certain?” I couldn’t help my skepticism.“ We have no other choice, ” he replied matter-of-factly. “Is that really all you can come up with?” I scowled. “Couldn’t you just lie and tell me you have some kind of secret badass weapon that is going to make this a piece of cake? M.A. George

Seriously, Palta…” He was honestly puzzled, “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?”“ Um… You’d have to be blind to miss them, ” I replied sarcastically. “If you’re not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them. M.A. George

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything. M.A. George

Yeah, sure, ” I scoffed. “You’re the picture of respectability and moral character… You expect me to believe you were your parents’ worst nightmare? What was your criminal act of choice–drunken bar fights? Or maybe grand theft auto? Don’t tell me you sold the crown jewels to buy drugs… It’s so disappointingly cliché. M.A. George

The Healing spells on his chest were certainly earning their keep tonight. Sullivan got to his feet. The lack of noise from the courtyard indicated that his team had gotten all the mechanical men. “Thanks.”Toru just grunted a noncommittal response as he lifted the feed tray to check the condition of his borrowed machine gun. They didn’t see the final robot inside until it turned on its eye and illuminated the Iron Guard in blue light. Sullivan’s Spike reversed gravity, and the gigantic machine fell upward to hit the steel beams in the ceiling. Sullivan cut his Power and the robot dropped. It crashed hard into the floor where it lay twitching and kicking. The two of them riddled the mechanical man with bullets until the light died and it lay still in a spreading puddle of oil.“ Normally, this would be the part where you thank me for returning the favor and saving your life.”“ Yes. Normally… If we were court ladies instead of warriors, ” Toru answered. “Shall we continue onward or do you wish to stop and discuss your feelings over tea?” Sullivan looked forward to the day that the two of them would be able to finish their fight. “Let’s go. Larry Correia

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH) Shawn Durnin

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. K. Martin Beckner

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills. Guillermo Del Toro

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly. David C. Holley

I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch Ransom Riggs

Doubt you’d find anyone as dashingly charming as me Veronica Purcell

Father never went into depth about what happened if I woke up, unable to remember how I’d died, but most definitely in the hands of those not selected to have s’mores and sleepovers for all of eternity. Heather Heffner

A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder. Darynda Jones

...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes. Elizabeth Peters

I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't. Cynder

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster Shawn Durnin

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she'd found. '..and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can't wait 'til you see it.' She gesticulated wildly, and her only saving grace right now was her amazing rack that swayed and bounced with each movement. Sometimes he swore that was the only reason he ever looked crosswise at Amanda Price. That, and her daddy's checkbook. 'And I found these shoes--" 'Uh huh, that's nice, ' he cut her off and slid free from the booth. He held out his hand. 'Got the card?' He waved the bill in the air at her questioning gaze. Was she a little cross-eyed, maybe? He thought so. Brandi Salazar

Everyone has bad days...'my Dear MIDDLE FINGER, Thanks for sticking up for me! Napz Cherub Pellazo

Whoosh! went the bluebird of sarcasm, zooming miles above Dale’s head. Sarah Rees Brennan

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife. Fredrik Backman

While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!. ... Ooops Karen Gibbs

Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.'' They didn't! '' They did.'' When?'' Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds. Sandra Balzo

Just because it looks like a leprechaun and talks like a leprechaun, it doesn't mean it can't act like the little fucking demon it is. N.L. Gervasio

If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses. Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible. You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it! Himmilicious

Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting. Rachel Hawkins

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand. Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?" He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though. Tessa Dare

As I finished my rice, I sketched out the plot of a pornographic adventure film called The Massage Room. Sirien, a young girl from northern Thailand, falls hopelessly in love with Bob, an American student who winds up in the massage parlor by accident, dragged there by his buddies after a fatefully boozy evening. Bob doesn't touch her, he's happy just to look at her with his lovely, pale-blue eyes and tell her about his hometown - in North Carolina, or somewhere like that. They see each other several more times, whenever Sirien isn't working, but, sadly, Bob must leave to finish his senior year at Yale. Ellipsis. Sirien waits expectantly while continuing to satisfy the needs of her numerous clients. Though pure at heart, she fervently jerks off and sucks paunchy, mustached Frenchmen (supporting role for Gerard Jugnot), corpulent, bald Germans (supporting role for some German actor). Finally, Bob returns and tries to free her from her hell - but the Chinese mafia doesn't see things in quite the same light. Bob persuades the American ambassador and the president of some humanitarian organization opposed to the exploitation of young girls to intervene (supporting role for Jane Fonda). What with the Chinese mafia (hint at the Triads) and the collusion of Thai generals (political angle, appeal to democratic values), there would be a lot of fight scenes and chase sequences through the streets of Bangkok. At the end of the day, Bob carries her off. But in the penultimate scene, Sirien gives, for the first time, an honest account of the extent of her sexual experience. All the cocks she has sucked as a humble massage parlor employee, she has sucked in the anticipation, in the hope of sucking Bob's cock, into which all the others were subsumed - well, I'd have to work on the dialogue. Cross fade between the two rivers (the Chao Phraya, the Delaware). Closing credits. For the European market, I already had line in mind, along the lines of "If you liked The Music Room, you'll love The Massage Room. . Michel Houellebecq

Hey! ” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show”“ So do I” Max admitted.“ I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added. Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so. Amanda Kelly

Celaena?” Sam asked into the dark. “Should I worry about going to sleep?” She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously. Sarah J. Maas

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor. Alex Bergauer

When I venture to point out the unfairness of this, I am reminded of the second item on my list. Apparently the only acceptable destiny for a young female memâ€â€¹bâ€â€¹er of the house of Windsor is to marry into another of the royal houses that still seem to litter Europe, even though there are precious few reigning monarchs these days. it seems that even a very minor Windsor like myself is a desirable commodity for those wishing a tenuous alliance with Britain at this unsettled time. I am constantly being reminded that is is my duty to make a good match with some half-lunatic, buck-toothed, chinless, spineleâ€â€¹sâ€â€¹sâ€â€¹â€â€¹â€â€¹, and utterly awful European royal, thus cementing ties with a potential enemy. My cousin Alex did this, poor thing. I have learned from her tragic example. Rhys Bowen

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit. Susan Lendroth

Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?"" Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute."" And you're sloppy in love with her."" Pitifully. J.D. Robb