1
I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks.Paul Rudnick
2
As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials. It's a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write. Having anybody watching that or attempting to share it with me would be grisly.Paul Rudnick
3
Prior to having sex for the first time, I had read many books and magazines, pornographic and otherwise, and I'd developed certain expectations of intercourse. From paperback romances I expected to feel vaguely yet ecstatically ravished, as if, for the duration of the act, I would experience everything an ad for a drugstore cologne could ever promise. From more serious fiction, I assumed that I would be blasted with a torrent of conflicting emotions, flashbacks to my birth, a rough kinship with the natural world, perhaps a Booker Prize, and, ultimately, a sense of existential ennui. From mainstream movies, I hoped for a beautifully lit and choreographed series of thrusts and embraces, with my head thrown back, my eyes shut but not squinched, and my lips slightly but appealingly parted; I also felt that the sex might be edited, continually leaping forward in the attractive bits and pieces, with only the dewiest bodily fluids. From porn, I trusted that sex would be alternately savage, degrading, pounding, and dull, and all of this sounded promising. From what my parents had told me, I knew that sex did not exist, and from what other schoolchildren had let on, I imagined that there was a real danger of getting stuck in one position or another, with the parties involved finally getting yanked apart in the emergency room.Paul Rudnick
4
I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be….” Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect?“ I know! ” said the prince happily. “You’re a national disgrace! ”“ And do you know what else is interesting, ” I replied. “In America, Prince is a dog’s name.Paul Rudnick
5
My compulsive thoughts aren't even thoughts, they're absolute certainties and obeying them isn't a choice.Paul Rudnick
6
Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you..., " she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you... my butt.Paul Rudnick