100 Quotes About Funny

Sometimes the best way to brighten someone’s day is to make them laugh. These funny quotes will make sure you are always ready for a good laugh.

1
I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for? Stephanie Lennox
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those...
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Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long. Good things come to those who wait. Jess C. Scott
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A fit, healthy body–that is the best fashion statement Jess C. Scott
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I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they? Jess C. Scott
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V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love. Jess C. Scott
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And now, " Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum. Cassandra Clare
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Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals. Jess C. Scott
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My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism. Jess C. Scott
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Huh, " Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz." She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?"" Nah, we could start our own shop, " Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters. Rick Riordan
If you have the woman you love, what more do...
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If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.
 Unknown
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Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God, ” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat. . Maggie Stiefvater
To find out if she really loved me, I hooked...
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To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
 Unknown
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Whatever happened to the dragon?" I mustered my primmest tone. "He has a name, you know." Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look. "I didn't know, actually. What'd you decide on?"" Hopper." When Adrian laughed, I added, "Best rabbit ever. He'd be proud to know his name is being passed on."" Yes, I'm sure he would. Did you name the Mustang too?"" I think you mean the Ivashkinator."He stared at me in wonder. "I told you I loved you, right?" Yes, " I assured him. "Many times. Richelle Mead
Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making...
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Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
 Unknown
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you...
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My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health. Cassandra Clare
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I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up. Dora J. Arod
I make love with a focus and intensity that most...
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I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. Unknown
Our love was a two-person game. At least until one...
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Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
 Unknown
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She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously. Rick Riordan
She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered...
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She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. Unknown
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My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored. Dora J. Arod
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If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.
 Unknown
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Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay. Jess C. Scott
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I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do – to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like. Jess C. Scott
Nice costume,
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Nice costume, " he said. "Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours." Amusement curled his mouth. "If you don't like it, I can take it off. Becca Fitzpatrick
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Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing." Don't, " said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged." What if there's a crisis at school?" I asked. "What if Angeline 'accidentally' stole one of the campus buses and drove it into the library?"" Why would she do that?"" Are you saying she wouldn't?" He sighed. "Go check it. . Richelle Mead
27
It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here. Kirstie Alley
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's...
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Isaac Asimov
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
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When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. Bill Watterson
A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.
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A boo is a lot louder than a cheer. Lance Armstrong
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I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you….. I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something? Shannon L. Alder
My point is, life is about balance. The good and...
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My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. Ellen DeGeneres
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I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician, ” and must be destroyed.
 Unknown
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I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all. Dora J. Arod
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I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway. Michael Summers
I had a dream about you last night.. you were...
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I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald. Nicole McKay
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family...
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Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man. Louis C.K.
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I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career. Bauvard
I had a dream about you last night... you were...
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I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs. Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night. I could...
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I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead Michael Summers
I had a dream about you last night... you kept...
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I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally. Nicole McKay
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I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk. Criss Jami
My father chose my name , and my last name...
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My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors. That’s enough, I myself choose my way Ali Shariati
Please, touch me, I pray.
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Please, touch me, I pray. Jess C. Scott
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In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive. Roman Payne
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Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. Alice Walker
I had a dream about you. You were lost in...
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I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares. Bauvard
I had a dream about you last night. The best...
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I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else. Michael Summers
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It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is hard to explain the wild flowers that one gardener calls weeds, and another considers beautiful ground cover. Shannon L. Alder
I had a dream about you last night.. You were...
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I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine. Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night.. you were...
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I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple Nicole McKay
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Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child. Anthony Horowitz
Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.
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Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. Christopher Moore
May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch...
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May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch Keisha Keenleyside
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You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? Chris Rock
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you...
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
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Can you surf really well, then?" I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh." Jeez, Nico, " I said. "I've never really tried." He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.) . Rick Riordan
Can you be a girl for a few seconds?
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Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"" I'm always a girl" I frown." You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay. Veronica Roth
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd...
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Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?" All the time. Wendy Mass
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back...
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Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. Robert Benchley
Inconceivable!
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Inconceivable! ""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. William Goldman
Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?...
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Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible! Lewis Carroll
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Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else. Pseudonymous Bosch
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I have lightning and wind powers, " Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on! '" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on! Rick Riordan
The human body is the best work of art.
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The human body is the best work of art. Jess C. Scott
Sane is boring.
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Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore
70
Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you, " she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning."" Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me. Cassandra Clare
71
How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin
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What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. Rick Riordan
73
The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left, " said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater! " said Ron indignantly.." My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters! " "And they'd love to have me, " said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. . J.k. Rowling
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too...
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. George Carlin
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Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run. No! If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers. Moira Young
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Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please, " said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa! " And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage. J.k. Rowling
77
Stairs, " Valkyrie said, disappointed." Not just ordinary stairs, " Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."" Really?"" Oh, yes." She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"" They just are."" In what way?"" In a magicky way." She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"" Not really. Derek Landy
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Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped, " he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?"" Frank! " Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it."" Kissed a couple of times, " Percy said. Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping! Rick Riordan
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're...
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If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked. Gilles Deleuze
Are you a female dog?
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Are you a female dog?"" What?" Massie asked. "Why?" Lisi Harrison
81
You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?"" I've a knife in my boot, " she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands. Kristin Cashore
I have to return some videotapes
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I have to return some videotapes Bret Easton Ellis
Haven't you ever heard of the saying,
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Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse! "?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL! ' --Ed Hiromu Arakawa
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I didn't realize there was a ranking." I said. "Sadie frowned. "What do you mean?" "A ranking, " I said. "You know, what's crazier than what." "Oh, sure there is, " Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. "First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here." "So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain, " I said. Sadie shook her head. "Uh-uh, " she said. "Suicides are." I looked at her. "Why?" "Anyone can be crazy, " she answered. "That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?. Michael Thomas Ford
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my...
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The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty. Unknown
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So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" true?". "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me." Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type."" Hey, now, " said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands. into?"" Mermaids, " said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed.", " Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd. . Cassandra Clare
Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was...
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Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed-- Rachel Hawkins
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push...
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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Sam Levenson
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She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share! ' she demanded.' Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.' She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.'' Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?'' Not for a taco, ' she said. 'I'm not cheap.'' They're brisket tacos.'' Now you're talking. . Rachel Caine
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like...
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I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital. Demetri Martin
91
You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab." Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons! " Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it! Rachel Caine
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He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?"" Like hitting on you."" Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee." What? You think he does?"" Sometimes he looks at you a little.. oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood."" Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?"" Not enough coffee. Rachel Caine
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Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.” Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“ What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill, remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.” Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out–” La Dorada swung her head around, peering at Regin with her one eye.“ Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious. Kresley Cole
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Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck.. but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you, " he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead." Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich. . Rachel Caine
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He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet. Michelle Obama
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You okay?"" Fine."" Your heart's beating really fast."" Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it." He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff." Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble."" You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck."" Liar. Rachel Caine
She can go with us to the lab and keep...
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She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better."" Define BETTER with that guy."" Not all fangs and raaaaar. Rachel Caine
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Here, " Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands." She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good. Rachel Caine
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his...
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Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. Steve Martin
Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles,...
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Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that. Rachel Caine