101 Quotes & Sayings By Eoin Colfer

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it. This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by. Eoin Colfer

Who are you?" he asked. I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on. Eoin Colfer

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she.. Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. Eoin Colfer

That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy." Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things." But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror." I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?" Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me. Eoin Colfer

Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa, " intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs. Eoin Colfer

Orion brightened. "I have an idea."" Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained." Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. Eoin Colfer

I bet, " said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn." Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer. Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything. Eoin Colfer

Me, " Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut." Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell." I'm the nut! " Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. Eoin Colfer

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over Eoin Colfer

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."Myles: "In Paris."Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?" Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?" Myles: "I agree with simple-toon." Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'" Beckett: "Itchy what? Eoin Colfer

Young love is common, but that doesn't mean it's not precious. Eoin Colfer

How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally..obviously eternally-that goes without saying." Holly blinked sweat from her eyes. "Is he serious?" she called over her shoulder to Foaly. "Oh, absolutely, " said the centaur "If he asks you to look for birthmarks, say no immediately." "Oh, I would never." Orion assured her. "Ladies don't look for birthmarks; that is work for jolly fellows like the Goodly Beast and myself. Ladies, like Miss Short, do enough by simply existing. They exude beauty, and that is enough." "I am not exuding anything." said Holly, through gritted teeth. Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins." Holly gripped the wheel tightly. "I'm going to be sick. Did he just say pastel blue?" "And dolphins, little ones, " said Foaly. Eoin Colfer

How does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall. Descant nodded.' You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it. Eoin Colfer

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the- Hindenburg bad kind of history. Eoin Colfer

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end. Eoin Colfer

Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries. Eoin Colfer

He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other. Eoin Colfer

Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down. Eoin Colfer

In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter–they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught. Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Tex, " the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits. Eoin Colfer

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.' Nope, ' I replied. Eoin Colfer

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story--'' Put that away, Hazel, ' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.' Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? Eoin Colfer

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Butler.“Are you sure you’re at the library? I thought I heard water.” Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. “Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.”“ Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours. Eoin Colfer

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs, ' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.' The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake! ' Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure, ' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.'' Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?'' This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.' Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately. . Eoin Colfer

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese. Eoin Colfer

Toadstool mandarins are a form of toxic jellyfish whose tentacles are loaded with entheogenic venom. The effects of a mandarin sting are threefold. The first is a sharp stinging sensation; the second a nasty red welt, which may fester if not treated with a salve of toadstool mandarin doodoo. And the third is a bold of self-awareness, thanks to the entheogens in the venom. Having been stung, a victim's typical reaction will be something like: Owww. Zark, that hurts. Then: Oh no. Look at this nasty red welt. I'm in the swimsuit competition later. And finally: What? I'm a latent misogynist with father issues! If a person is allergic to mandarin venom, one sting will prompt total self-awareness, leading to either immediate catatonia or a career as a talk show pundit. . Eoin Colfer

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss. Eoin Colfer

That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart. Eoin Colfer

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps. "Wait! Just wait, " she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?" Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face. "No, " he said. "No plan. . Eoin Colfer

Conor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one like you. Eoin Colfer

A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon. Eoin Colfer

Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down? Eoin Colfer

Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?" Artemis smiled back. "Yes, " he said. "I believe I have. Eoin Colfer

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron. Eoin Colfer

Good. Illegal is always faster. Eoin Colfer

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums. Eoin Colfer

Of course I saved you, " she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed with magic, Holly leaned down and kissed Artemis, magic sparking around the contact like tiny fireworks. Eoin Colfer

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment. Eoin Colfer

Don't hate me forever, Arty, " whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that. Eoin Colfer

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was... She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself. Eoin Colfer

How could you...? How?""Logically you have no right to be angry. I simply followed your l Eoin Colfer

They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened. Eoin Colfer

Today he became a killer, or else a corpse. Eoin Colfer

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head. Eoin Colfer

Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself with the mantra that had kept her going in prison: "Soon all the humans will be dead, " she said, droning in the time-honored fashion of gurus everywhere. "And then Opal will be loved." And even if I'm not loved, she thought, at least all the humans will be dead. Eoin Colfer

How did that go” [Butler] asked. “Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age.”“ Fabulous, ” said Artemis, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “We’re planning a June wedding. Eoin Colfer

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice. Eoin Colfer

Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life. Eoin Colfer

Some people just needed to be stolen from. Eoin Colfer

Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole. Eoin Colfer

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon. Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana. Eoin Colfer

No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors? Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. Eoin Colfer

... desperate times required judicious risk-taking. Eoin Colfer

We are different, my friend. We are visionaries. A monkey looks up and sees and banana, and that is as far as he looks. But a visionary looks up and sees the moon. Eoin Colfer

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake. Eoin Colfer

*to thor* Zeus had replied that he had pulled fluffballs of lint out of his bellybutton that were bigger than Asgard Eoin Colfer

The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concerned about the past than the present. Eoin Colfer

What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?"" No, Julius. It's the end of the circus."" I see. And these are the clowns?" Foaly's head poked through the doorway." Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that? Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating. Eoin Colfer

I am Butler. Anything I say sounds scary. Eoin Colfer

Hey, bodyguard. You better get down to the gymnasium. This jumbo pixie guy is killing your sister." "Really?" said Butler, unconvinced. "Really. Juliet just does not seem to be herself. She can't put two moves together. It's pathetic, really. Everybody is betting against her." "I see, " said Butler, straightening. Mulch held the door. "It's going to make things really interesting when you show up to help." Butler grinned. "I'm not coming to help. I just want to be there when she stops faking." "Ah, " said Mulch, comprehension dawning on his face. "So I should switch my bet to Juliet?" "You certainly should" said Butler. . Eoin Colfer

The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish. Eoin Colfer

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity. Eoin Colfer

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense. Eoin Colfer

A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder. Eoin Colfer