1
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.Finley Peter Dunne
2
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.Finley Peter Dunne
3
Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.Finley Peter Dunne
4
Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.Finley Peter Dunne
5
Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.Finley Peter Dunne
6
I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day but no change at all ivry fifty years.Finley Peter Dunne
7
You can lead a man up to the university but you can't make him think.Finley Peter Dunne
8
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off fr'm th' angels.Finley Peter Dunne
9
No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not the Supreme Court follows the election returns.Finley Peter Dunne
10
An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.Finley Peter Dunne
11
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.Finley Peter Dunne
12
A man's idee in a card game is war- crool devastatin' and pitiless. A lady's idee iv it is a combynation iv larceny embezzlement an' burglary.Finley Peter Dunne
13
Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.Finley Peter Dunne
14
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.Finley Peter Dunne
15
Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.Finley Peter Dunne
16
The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale an' th' rest'll be rubber (plastic! )Finley Peter Dunne
17
A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.Finley Peter Dunne
18
Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it but it's a kind iv a disgrace.Finley Peter Dunne
19
Vice goes a long way tow'rd makin' life bearable. A little vice now an' thin is relished by th' best iv men.Finley Peter Dunne
20
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.Finley Peter Dunne
21
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.Finley Peter Dunne
22
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.Finley Peter Dunne
23
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.Finley Peter Dunne
24
There are no friends at cards or world politics.Finley Peter Dunne
25
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.Finley Peter Dunne