Quotes From "Unscrewed" By Lois Greiman

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister. Lois Greiman

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system. Lois Greiman

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing. Lois Greiman

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head. Lois Greiman

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. Lois Greiman

Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked. Lois Greiman

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers. Lois Greiman

It ate a party till someone ends up naked. Lois Greiman

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet Lois Greiman

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting. Lois Greiman

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine. Lois Greiman

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision. Lois Greiman

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste. Lois Greiman

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end. Lois Greiman

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too. Lois Greiman

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair. Lois Greiman

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores. Lois Greiman

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid. Lois Greiman

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever. Lois Greiman

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect. Lois Greiman

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties. Lois Greiman

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either. Lois Greiman

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated. Lois Greiman

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'. Lois Greiman

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not Lois Greiman

In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose. Lois Greiman

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice. Lois Greiman

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life. Lois Greiman

There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute. Lois Greiman