117 Quotes & Sayings By Lois Greiman

Lois Greiman is a writer and editor. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Elle, and Marie Claire.

Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt...
1
Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same. Lois Greiman
Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat...
2
Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies. Lois Greiman
Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance...
3
Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree. Lois Greiman
4
When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Lois Greiman
5
In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses. Lois Greiman
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He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy. Lois Greiman
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Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers. Lois Greiman
8
Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops. Lois Greiman
9
Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink. Lois Greiman
10
If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does? Lois Greiman
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Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards. Lois Greiman
12
What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality? Lois Greiman
13
You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach. Lois Greiman
14
You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father. Lois Greiman
15
A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good. Lois Greiman
16
Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands. Lois Greiman
17
Expect stupid. It's everywhere. Lois Greiman
18
The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments. Lois Greiman
19
If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago. Lois Greiman
20
I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot. Lois Greiman
21
If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift. Lois Greiman
22
A person without regrets is called a corpse. Lois Greiman
23
Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes. Lois Greiman
24
False hope is better than no hope at all. Lois Greiman
25
All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge. Lois Greiman
26
I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear. Lois Greiman
27
A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber. Lois Greiman
28
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls. Lois Greiman
29
A wedding is no way to begin a marriage. Lois Greiman
30
When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all. Lois Greiman
31
If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong. Lois Greiman
32
Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier. Lois Greiman
33
Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing. Lois Greiman
34
Love is like skydiving without a parachute. Lois Greiman
35
Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance. Lois Greiman
36
I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister. Lois Greiman
37
A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system. Lois Greiman
38
You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing. Lois Greiman
39
Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head. Lois Greiman
40
Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. Lois Greiman
41
Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked. Lois Greiman
42
There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers. Lois Greiman
43
It ate a party till someone ends up naked. Lois Greiman
44
Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts. Lois Greiman
45
Celibacy sucks, no pun intended. Lois Greiman
46
I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on. Lois Greiman
47
It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood. Lois Greiman
48
Sometimes stupid is crime enough. Lois Greiman
49
Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously. Lois Greiman
50
There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders. Lois Greiman
51
Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars. Lois Greiman
52
A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul. Lois Greiman
53
Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well. Lois Greiman
54
Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster. Lois Greiman
55
Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death. Lois Greiman
56
Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air. Lois Greiman
57
I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet Lois Greiman
58
If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting. Lois Greiman
59
It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine. Lois Greiman
60
In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision. Lois Greiman
61
There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste. Lois Greiman
62
Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end. Lois Greiman
63
Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too. Lois Greiman
64
Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair. Lois Greiman
65
Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores. Lois Greiman
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Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid. Lois Greiman
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And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever. Lois Greiman
68
There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect. Lois Greiman
69
You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties. Lois Greiman
70
Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either. Lois Greiman
71
He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated. Lois Greiman
72
She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'. Lois Greiman
73
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not Lois Greiman
74
In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose. Lois Greiman
75
In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice. Lois Greiman
76
In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life. Lois Greiman
77
There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute. Lois Greiman
78
I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train. Lois Greiman
79
Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after. Lois Greiman
80
Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment. Lois Greiman
81
Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack. Lois Greiman
82
In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere. Lois Greiman
83
Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ. Lois Greiman
84
I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam. Lois Greiman
85
Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me. Lois Greiman
86
He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy. Lois Greiman
87
Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's. Lois Greiman
88
It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while. Lois Greiman
89
It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with. Lois Greiman
90
Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which. Lois Greiman
91
Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass. Lois Greiman
92
Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative. Lois Greiman
93
Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls. Lois Greiman
94
There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate. Lois Greiman
95
You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart. Lois Greiman
96
Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage. Lois Greiman
97
The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts. Lois Greiman
98
Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10. Lois Greiman
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Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air. Lois Greiman
100
Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway? Lois Greiman