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THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.Demetri Martin
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It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames! ” or “Smoke maker! ” or “Bad hot!Demetri Martin
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Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.Demetri Martin
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.Demetri Martin
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.Demetri Martin
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).Demetri Martin
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Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?Demetri Martin
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Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.Demetri Martin