1
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.Demetri Martin
2
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!Demetri Martin
3
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.Demetri Martin
4
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.Demetri Martin
5
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames! ” or “Smoke maker! ” or “Bad hot!Demetri Martin
6
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.Demetri Martin
7
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.Demetri Martin
8
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.Demetri Martin
9
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.Demetri Martin
10
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.Demetri Martin
11
No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.Demetri Martin
12
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).Demetri Martin
13
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?Demetri Martin
14
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.Demetri Martin
15
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.Demetri Martin
16
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'Demetri Martin
17
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.Demetri Martin
18
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.Demetri Martin
19
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'Demetri Martin
20
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.Demetri Martin
21
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.Demetri Martin
22
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.Demetri Martin
23
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'Demetri Martin
24
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.Demetri Martin
25
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.Demetri Martin
26
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.Demetri Martin
27
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!Demetri Martin
28
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'Demetri Martin
29
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!Demetri Martin
30
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.Demetri Martin
31
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.Demetri Martin
32
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.Demetri Martin
33
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times! 'Demetri Martin
34
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'Demetri Martin
35
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.Demetri Martin