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In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.Jim Gaffigan
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There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.Jim Gaffigan
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I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.Jim Gaffigan
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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.Jim Gaffigan
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I was only hit on once at the grocery store. I remember it was early one Saturday morning and I was buying my daily bacon, when I got tapped on the shoulder. I turned around and I saw a rather short and very feeble eighty-year-old lady looking up at me. She said in a weak, scratchy voice, "Excuse me, young man, could you reach up and grab some ketchup for me?" Well I'm no dummy. I know when I'm getting hit on. I smiled politely and reached up for the ketchup, knowing full well that she just wanted to get a gander at my derriere. As I handed her the ketchup, she said, "Thank you, " like I was some piece of meat, a boy toy, or something. Finally I just blurted out, "Look, I'm married, lady! " She acted all surprised and confused. "Excuse me? I don't understand! " I shook my head with a smirk, raised my left hand, and showed her my wedding ring. "Married! " I loudly told her. "I'm taken! " A stock boy at the end of the aisle looked at us and inquired, "Is everything okay?" "I'm fine, " I assured him. "I know how to deal with predators." Well, suddenly this sex-crazed lady got all angry at me. Like I was out of line. She huffed off. "Well, I never! " "And you ain't gonna with me either, " I yelled after her. I have to admit, it was nice to get the attention. .Jim Gaffigan