27 Quotes & Sayings By Jim Gaffigan

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you, ” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin, ” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”. Jim Gaffigan

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system. Jim Gaffigan

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having lettuce on your burger. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't make sense, but neither does using a dog as a training method for having a baby. Jim Gaffigan

TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to bed, I will force them to watch an hour-long newscast about mustard. Jim Gaffigan

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard. Jim Gaffigan

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them. Jim Gaffigan

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it? Jim Gaffigan

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain. Jim Gaffigan

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars. Jim Gaffigan

Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that." They never want to go to bed. This is is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. Jim Gaffigan

In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza. Jim Gaffigan

There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste. Jim Gaffigan

I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation. Jim Gaffigan

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France. Jim Gaffigan

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'. Jim Gaffigan

I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food. Jim Gaffigan

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful. Jim Gaffigan

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again. Jim Gaffigan

I was only hit on once at the grocery store. I remember it was early one Saturday morning and I was buying my daily bacon, when I got tapped on the shoulder. I turned around and I saw a rather short and very feeble eighty-year-old lady looking up at me. She said in a weak, scratchy voice, "Excuse me, young man, could you reach up and grab some ketchup for me?" Well I'm no dummy. I know when I'm getting hit on. I smiled politely and reached up for the ketchup, knowing full well that she just wanted to get a gander at my derriere. As I handed her the ketchup, she said, "Thank you, " like I was some piece of meat, a boy toy, or something. Finally I just blurted out, "Look, I'm married, lady! " She acted all surprised and confused. "Excuse me? I don't understand! " I shook my head with a smirk, raised my left hand, and showed her my wedding ring. "Married! " I loudly told her. "I'm taken! " A stock boy at the end of the aisle looked at us and inquired, "Is everything okay?" "I'm fine, " I assured him. "I know how to deal with predators." Well, suddenly this sex-crazed lady got all angry at me. Like I was out of line. She huffed off. "Well, I never! " "And you ain't gonna with me either, " I yelled after her. I have to admit, it was nice to get the attention. . Jim Gaffigan

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel. Jim Gaffigan

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section. Jim Gaffigan

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights. Jim Gaffigan

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato. Jim Gaffigan

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides. Jim Gaffigan

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. Jim Gaffigan

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it. Jim Gaffigan