19 Quotes & Sayings By Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg (born August 4, 1963) was an American stand-up comedian and actor known for his offbeat style and mind-bogglingly bizarre and surrealist humor. Hedberg was born and raised in San Francisco, California. He attended the University of California, Berkeley and graduated with a B.A. in English and philosophy from the College of Letters, Arts and Sciences in 1985 Read more

His comedy career began after moving to Los Angeles in the mid-1980s. In 1992, he released his first comedy album, You're Welcome, which was released exclusively on the now defunct Häxan Records label. In 1994, Hedberg's second comedy album, My Point Is, was released on Comedy Central Records.

His third album Dave's Not Here was released in 1995 on Comedy Central Records. In 1997 his fourth album Mitch All Together was released by Comedy Central Records. His fifth album Happy Place was recorded during a seven-week stint at the Improv in Los Angeles from June 12–July 9, 1998 and was released later that year by Comedy Central Records.

In 1999 Hedberg's sixth album Waiting for Big Textein was recorded during a three-day stand-up performance at the Improv in Hollywood from April 16–18 and was released as a CD/DVD combo by Comedy Central Records that year as well as being released individually by the label later that year as a CD/DVD combo as well as being released individually by the label later that year as a CD/DVD combo as well. His seventh album Storytelling arrived September 24, 2000 on Comedy Central Records where it remained until 2003 when it was reissued on Rhino Records with bonus tracks from his debut album You're Welcome including a cover of "Inca Roads" by The 13th Floor Elevators. In 2005 his eighth album Comedian Recorded Live at the Club

1
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg
2
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Mitch Hedberg
3
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg
4
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
5
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg
6
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg
7
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg
8
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg
9
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg
10
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg
11
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg
12
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg
13
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
14
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg
15
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg
16
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
17
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
18
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg