43 Quotes & Sayings By Karl Pilkington

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much. Karl Pilkington

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science. Karl Pilkington

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it. Karl Pilkington

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected? Karl Pilkington

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though. Karl Pilkington

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up. Karl Pilkington

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife. Karl Pilkington

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to! Karl Pilkington

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me. Karl Pilkington

A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau Karl Pilkington

How would I know which one I was? Karl Pilkington

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? Karl Pilkington

I think happiness is a bit like a cake. If you have cake every single day of your life you'll get sick of it. If you're happy everyday, you'll get sick of being happy… That's a good saying actually. Happiness is like a cake. Have too much and you'll get sick of it. Karl Pilkington

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful. Karl Pilkington

I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake.. I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting. . Karl Pilkington

We seem to live in a world where you have to walk around grinning like a loon. I can’t understand all the fuss about Mona Lisa painting, everyone wondering why she’s not smiling, if she’s depressed or heartbroken. No, she was just normal! Emotions are always extreme these days: you either have to be crying with laughter or crying in pain. No wonder water levels are rising. It’s not global warming, it’s all the tears from crying. Karl Pilkington

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive. Karl Pilkington

At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is. Karl Pilkington

I don't know what 'famous' is, really. Karl Pilkington

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death. Karl Pilkington

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling. Karl Pilkington

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about. Karl Pilkington

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after. Karl Pilkington

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage. Karl Pilkington

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me. Karl Pilkington

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it? Karl Pilkington

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life. Karl Pilkington

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great. Karl Pilkington

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax. Karl Pilkington

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home. Karl Pilkington

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight. Karl Pilkington

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! Karl Pilkington

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding. Karl Pilkington