1
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.Groucho Marx
2
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.Groucho Marx
3
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.Groucho Marx
4
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.Groucho Marx
5
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.Groucho Marx
6
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.Groucho Marx
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Humor is reason gone mad.Groucho Marx
8
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.Groucho Marx
9
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.Groucho Marx
10
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.Groucho Marx
11
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.Groucho Marx
12
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.Groucho Marx
13
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.Groucho Marx
14
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a whileGroucho Marx
15
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Groucho Marx
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.Groucho Marx
17
Room service? Send up a larger room."]Groucho Marx
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.Groucho Marx
19
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.Groucho Marx
20
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.Groucho Marx
21
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.Groucho Marx
22
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.Groucho Marx
23
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.Groucho Marx
24
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.Groucho Marx
25
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.Groucho Marx
26
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.Groucho Marx
27
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.Groucho Marx
28
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.Groucho Marx
29
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.Groucho Marx
30
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.Groucho Marx
31
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.Groucho Marx
32
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.Groucho Marx
33
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)Groucho Marx
34
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.Groucho Marx
35
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.Groucho Marx
36
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.Groucho Marx
37
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.Groucho Marx
38
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.Groucho Marx
39
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.Groucho Marx
40
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and doesGroucho Marx
41
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.Groucho Marx
42
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.Groucho Marx
43
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?Groucho Marx
44
The only real laughter comes from despair.Groucho Marx
45
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.Groucho Marx
46
It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.Groucho Marx
47
When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.Groucho Marx
48
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.Groucho Marx
49
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.Groucho Marx
50
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.Groucho Marx
51
There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.Groucho Marx
52
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.Groucho Marx
53
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.Groucho Marx
54
Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?Groucho Marx
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No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.Groucho Marx
56
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.Groucho Marx
57
I've had a wonderful evening .. . but this wasn't it.Groucho Marx
58
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.Groucho Marx
59
I intend to live forever, or die trying.Groucho Marx
60
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.Groucho Marx
61
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.Groucho Marx
62
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.Groucho Marx
63
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.Groucho Marx
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.Groucho Marx
65
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.Groucho Marx
66
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.Groucho Marx
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.Groucho Marx
68
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.Groucho Marx
69
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.Groucho Marx
70
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx
71
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.Groucho Marx
72
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.Groucho Marx
73
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.Groucho Marx
74
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.Groucho Marx
75
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.Groucho Marx