100 Quotes About Humour

Life is full of ups and downs, and it’s important to know how to laugh through the tough times. Laughter is a sign of joy and happiness, but sometimes we find ourselves in situations that aren’t so funny. So why not learn from the funny people who have lived and shared their humor with us? read the best humour quotes below to lift your spirits and make you laugh.

If someone were to harm my family or a friend...
1
If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them. Johnny Depp
2
Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't. Nick Hornby
Smirking, he says,
3
Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts. Jenny Han
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get...
4
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
5
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen
We are stuck with technology when what we really want...
6
We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. Douglas Adams
7
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. Woody Allen
8
People soon get tired of things that aren't boring, but not of what is boring. Haruki Murakami
I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.
9
I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. Terry Pratchett
Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your...
10
Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail... Sophie Kinsella
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to...
11
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character! Anne Frank
12
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather. Bill Hicks
I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one....
13
I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts. Douglas Coupland
14
Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing. Anne Rice
Never say no to now
15
Never say no to now Benny Bellamacina
When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine
16
When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine Benny Bellamacina
If you think fate is fickle, try tempting it
17
If you think fate is fickle, try tempting it S. Spencer Baker
The church has never been asked to explain anything, our...
18
The church has never been asked to explain anything, our speciality, along with ballistics, has always been the neutralisation of the overly curious mind through faith. Unknown
You can't always be right, but you can be wrong...
19
You can't always be right, but you can be wrong a lot less Benny Bellamacina
LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young....
20
LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. M R S ALLONBY: And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy. Oscar Wilde
Question everything, unless it's the answer
21
Question everything, unless it's the answer Benny Bellamacina
Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic
22
Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic Benny Bellamacina
For any given problem, if there's a simple solution it...
23
For any given problem, if there's a simple solution it will already have been applied. So, perhaps, the solution isn't as simple as you think. Stuart Aken
It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man...
24
It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can't fly a midget on a kite over central park. Jim Moran
25
He was a philosopher, if you know what that was.’‘ A man who dreams of fewer things than there are in heaven and earth, ’ said the Savage promptly.‘ Quite so… Aldous Huxley
26
Weather is a purely personal matter. There is no such thing as a climate that is cold or hot, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. People take it upon themselves to create a fantasy in their imagination and call it weather. There's only one climate in the world, but the message that nature sends is interpreted according to strictly personal, non-transferable rules. Unknown
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United...
27
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. Robert Orben
Unfortunately it's also true to say that good management is...
28
Unfortunately it's also true to say that good management is a bit like oxygen - it's invisible and you don't notice its presence until it's gone, and then you're sorry. Charles Stross
A good speech is like a miniskirt--long enough to over...
29
A good speech is like a miniskirt--long enough to over all the vital parts, short enough to entice and captivate listeners. Naa Shalman
30
Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnificence, and dreamest that command or riches can feed the appetite of novelty with perpetual gratifications, survey the Pyramids, and confess thy folly! Samuel Johnson
The only way to get through life is to laugh...
31
The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache. Marjorie Pay Hinckley
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
32
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Stephen Hawking
People throw stones at you and you convert them into...
33
People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones. Sachin Tendulkar
34
Our relationship wasn't the sun, the moon, the stars, but it wasn't bullshit, either. Unknown
35
I'm in love with you" Finally, the girl looks at me. "What?""I don't know." I gesture to the house, the yard, the dirt surrounding us. "I'm not sure what suggested romance. Maybe it was the screaming match or the way my girlfriend kicked my ass to the ground, but I love you." Her mouth gapes. "I...I...""I don't want you to say it back now. One of us should have some class. Katie Mcgarry
John Brooke is acting dreadfully, and Meg likes it!
36
John Brooke is acting dreadfully, and Meg likes it! Louisa May Alcott
I focused, rather embarrassingly, on his chest which was rising...
37
I focused, rather embarrassingly, on his chest which was rising and falling slowly. I left teeth marks! Kyra Lennon
38
Erica had asked me a million times. 'Madison, are you sure you’re just the child minder? He pays you a lot of money for doing hardly anything.' Pushing aside the blatant insinuation that I was his weekend whore, I’d always told her the absolute truth. He’d never so much as looked at me inappropriately, let alone anything more. Kyra Lennon
Marry me. You'll learn to love me, I promise.
39
Marry me. You'll learn to love me, I promise. Robyn Carr
Okay, babe, I'm here.”
40
Okay, babe, I'm here.” Christy Reece
But you were concerned about making sure things, you know,...
41
But you were concerned about making sure things, you know, didn't get serious."" Yeah, because I'm an idiot. Robyn Carr
You can’t possibly be afraid of trees.
42
You can’t possibly be afraid of trees. Tara Janzen
43
She’d never known a man whose initial move was to undress the woman he wanted. Tara Janzen
44
I am not sleeping with you."" We could probably manage it, though. Without getting too involved."" No, " she said." But why? I mean, if we're trusted friends? And it doesn't interfere with our responsibilities?"" Did that line ever actually work for you?"" I can't remember. But it probably did-it's brilliant. Robyn Carr
Maybe we could, um, go sit in the truck?
45
Maybe we could, um, go sit in the truck?" he said, but even as he said it, it sounded so dumb. And not exactly the way he wanted her to remember a marriage proposal. Robyn Carr
Tom, how many children do you think I have to...
46
Tom, how many children do you think I have to have before I figure out you get them by having sex?"" Of course there would be protection, " he offered." Tons of it. Robyn Carr
Tom. Tom, look at me. Has Nora agreed to marry...
47
Tom. Tom, look at me. Has Nora agreed to marry you?"" No, but she will because she has to. Robyn Carr
48
He took the pen and book from her and faltered.“ Just write anything — anything trivial that won't matter if it comes to pass.”“ Erm..” God, he was useless at this. Elena's hair turned blue.“ Hey! ”“ What?”“ I don't want blue hair! What the hell did you write that for?”“ It seemed trivial.”“ Blue hair — blue? That's trivial? What if I can't undo it?” Karl stared at her blankly. His throat went dry. He felt like a total dickhead, but writing really wasn't his strong point, so he went for humour instead and flashed her a grin.“ I was going to write that all your clothes fall off, but figured you may have a problem with that. This was the second thing that came to mind.”( Karl and Elena) . Dianna Hardy
49
Gabe, you’re sick, and much as you’re a shithead sometimes, I’ve trained you to be a fairly acceptable shithead to me. If you died I’d have to go to all the effort of training someone else.”“ If I died maybe you should consider a change of career into the nursing profession. With your lovely bedside manner you’d be a shoo-in. Lily Morton
50
Shithead Boss Man, eh? You know, Dylan, I really lucked out in the assistant department. The other partners in the firm have ended up with someone awful, who soothes them, is at their beck and call and agrees with them all the time. I got one who is sarcastic, argumentative, scruffy, rarely where he should be, and calls me Shithead Boss Man rather than Sir.”Jude laughs at him, before reaching out and swiping one of the prawns from my carton of sweet and sour. “He’d call you Sir if you spanked him. . Lily Morton
51
He’s adorably high-handed where you’re concerned, isn’t he?” My eyes slide closed. “With anyone.” “No, ” he says thoughtfully. “Only you. He really can’t be bothered with anyone else, unless they’re connected to you. You’re all he sees. Lily Morton
52
The truth is that I will always need you more than you need me. It’s also the truth that I’m not a good bet for someone as vital and young as you. I’m bad tempered, a perfectionist who is too serious, and too used to being on my own. You could go out tomorrow and find someone better for you, but the truth is that no one will ever need you like I do.” He pauses and then says firmly. “No one will ever love you like I do. Lily Morton
53
Listen to me very carefully, and think hard about what happens if you go over my head to do something for me that you think is right. What is my normal reaction?” Gabe slumps slightly. “Not favourable? Lily Morton
Isn't it lovely to be lovely me!
54
Isn't it lovely to be lovely me! Nancy Mitford
Morning, noon & bloody night, Seven sodding days a week,...
55
Morning, noon & bloody night, Seven sodding days a week, I slave at filthy WORK, that might Be done by any book-drunk freak. This goes on until I kick the bucket. F U C K IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT Philip Larkin
56
Higgledy piggledy, my black hen, She lays eggs for gentlemen. Gentlemen come every day To count what my black hen doth lay. If perchance she lays too many, They fine my hen a pretty penny; If perchance she fails to lay, The gentlemen a bonus pay. Mumbledy pumbledy, my red cow, She’s cooperating now. At first she didn’t understand That milk production must be planned; She didn’t understand at first She either had to plan or burst, But now the government reports She’s giving pints instead of quarts. Fiddle de dee, my next-door neighbors, They are giggling at their labors. First they plant the tiny seed, Then they water, then they weed, Then they hoe and prune and lop, They they raise a record crop, Then they laugh their sides asunder, And plow the whole caboodle under. Abracadabra, thus we learn The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you’re given, The less you lead, the more you’re driven, The more destroyed, the more they feed, The more you pay, the more they need, The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take If the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake. . Ogden Nash
Memang sulit menulis puisi. Dan untuk apa mempersulit diri sendiri.
57
Memang sulit menulis puisi. Dan untuk apa mempersulit diri sendiri. Danarto
58
Parent-Teacher ConferenceAt the parent-teacher conference, my father made a scene. He scared my fifth-grade teacher, with his mask from Halloween. She showed him all my science gradesand said she was concerned, but he just stuck his tongue outwhen my teacher’s back was turned. He drew a monster on the boardand claimed it was her twin. He even shook her soda, which expolded on her chin. My angry teacher crossed her armsand said, “This meeting’s done! I now see where he gets it from–you act just like your son! . Darren Sardelli
So it's off with the shellsuit and on with the...
59
So it's off with the shellsuit and on with the Armanis, Bring out the champagne and the caviar sarnies Roger McGough
60
I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That's why I admire him. Steve Coogan
While an author is yet living we estimate his powers...
61
While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best. Samuel Johnson
62
No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing – yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up. Hilaire Belloc
Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before...
63
Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain. Peter James West
64
And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate. Terry Pratchett
Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented,...
65
Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws. Caitlin Moran
66
I'm as religious as the next man - which is to say I'll keep in with the local parson for form's sake and read the lessons on feast-days because my tenants expect it, but I've never been fool enough to confuse religion with belief in God. That's where so many clergymen... go wrong George MacDonald Fraser
A halo is a cock ring for the soul.
67
A halo is a cock ring for the soul. Corey DuFour
We could all use the power of prayer now and...
68
We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with bad news. Mark Abramson
69
Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they'd leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a source of meat. These islands, they were pristine. These were home to breeds of birds with no natural predators. Breeds of birds that lived nowhere else on earth. The plants there, without enemies they evolved without thorns or poisons. Without predators and enemies, these islands, they were paradise. The sailors, the next time they visited these islands, the only things still there would be herds of goats or pigs. Oyster is telling this story. The sailors called this "seeding meat." Oyster says, "Does this remind you of anything? Maybe the ol' Adam and Eve story?" Looking out the car window, he says, "You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce? . Chuck Palahniuk
70
When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.'" - Lockie Kathy Lette
Just because he likes the same bizzaro crap as you...
71
Just because he likes the same bizzaro crap as you doesn't mean he's your soul mate. Rachel Hansen
Darling, whose book is this to be?
72
Darling, whose book is this to be?"" Ostensibly yours, my sweet"" I see -- rather like my life since I met you?"" Yes darling John Wyndham
73
I shall now explain my plan. You may then speak, but only to amend the detail. The broad outline is not subject to negotiation. Are you ready? Good … I propose to have sex with you. I believe it will be excellent sex. Your obedience on one particular issue of timing it will be required to make it unforgettable sex. I will explain that issue as we go. At the moment, I wish to hear your inevitable objection to the general sex part of this plan. Nick Harkaway
74
They're horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions."" Then why did you go into teaching?"" It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two evils. Brian Francis
75
Joe Spork opens the door. The man departs. Joe turns to Polly to say something about how they’re obviously not going to Portsmouth, and finds an oyster knife balanced on his cheek, just under his eye.“ Can we be very clear, ” Polly Cradle murmurs, “that I am not your booby sidekick or your Bond girl? That I am an independent supervillain in my own right?” Joe swallows. “Yes, we can, ” he says carefully.“ There will therefore be no more ‘Say hello, Polly’?”“There will not. . Nick Harkaway
Just because you don’t like peanut butter doesn’t necessarily mean...
76
Just because you don’t like peanut butter doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t like .. . peanuts. Fredrik Backman
After all, what else is scientific enquiry of any sort...
77
After all, what else is scientific enquiry of any sort other than a controlled version of banging one's head against the universe until something gives? Tom Holt
Many people find bald, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer...
78
Many people find bald, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer to ram their heads in the sand and start dreaming at the first sign of scientific reality. Charlie Brooker
79
Must be frustrating being a scientist. There you are, incrementally discovering how the universe works via a series of complex tests and experiments, for the benefit of all mankind - and what thanks do you get? People call you "egghead" or "boffin" or "heretic", and they cave your face in with a rock and bury you out in the wilderness. Not literally - not in this day and age - but you get the idea. Scientists are mistrusted by huge swathes of the general public, who see them as emotionless lab-coated meddlers-with-nature rather than, say, fellow human beings who've actually bothered getting off their arses to work this shit out. . Charlie Brooker
She laughed. 'See? You can do philosophy! ' He rolled...
80
She laughed. 'See? You can do philosophy! ' He rolled his eyes and shook his head. 'Don't insult me. Alex Scarrow
81
People with jutting jaws are more likely to have open throats and hence be less susceptible to snoring and sleep apnoea. Chris Worsnop points out that superheroes such as Superman and Batman are often drawn with strong jutting jaws, a feature which, since the time we lived in caves, has been seen as attractive to women. The reason women may be attracted to jutting jaws may have nothing to do with jutting biceps or jutting anything else; it simply makes it less likely they will have to put up with snoring. Michael McGirr
82
He’s going to kill me, ” Peppone murmured, his jaw drooping, “or at least send out the order to have someone take care of me. Well, ” with a sigh, “might as well get rid of this body before the others wake up.” He canted his head and mused to himself. “Maybe I should carve it up first.” “ At long last, ” Bartleby cried, raising his eyes and wringing his hands, “somebody who has no regard for collective conscience and general morality. Oh, happy, happy morning! ” “ Take care, Peppone, ” Danaco laughed, “if you have so little regard for life and the creatural condition, Bartleby will attach himself to you and never leave you for a moment. . Michelle Franklin
Fatigue fatigue is when you're tired of being tired.
83
Fatigue fatigue is when you're tired of being tired. Michael McGirr
If one cannot see gravitation acting here, he has no...
84
If one cannot see gravitation acting here, he has no soul. Richard Feynman
All I had was a dream and six million pounds.'...
85
All I had was a dream and six million pounds.' Denholm, The IT Crowd G. Linehan
Luke diagnosed himself to be in love, and sought no...
86
Luke diagnosed himself to be in love, and sought no cure for the disease. Sarah Perry
87
Another atrocity of summer is soccer. When the Euro Cup is on, it brings out the worst in people. It turns them into ravaging beasts who complain when a team they like, which they have done nothing to deserve, slips from grace and loses the match. An old man sitting beside me at the cafe was watching the men watch the soccer rather than watch the soccer himself. He found their reactions more entertaining than the game." All this stuff and nonsense over men kicking a ball, " he groused. "And they don't do any of the work themselves." I told him, "We should just have wars. Then we would not need sports." He laughed and quite agreed with me. . Michelle Franklin
Do you hate people?”“ I don't hate them... I just...
88
Do you hate people?”“ I don't hate them... I just feel better when they're not around. Charles Bukowski
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
89
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
90
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much–the wheel, New York, wars and so on–whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man–for precisely the same reasons. Douglas Adams
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and...
91
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside – remembering all the times you've felt that way. Charles Bukowski
I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste...
92
I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room. Ray Bradbury
The ships hung in the sky in much the same...
93
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. Douglas Adams
94
Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."" You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out, " said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you. J.k. Rowling
To get back my youth I would do anything in...
95
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. Oscar Wilde
Like water leaking through a dam,
96
Like water leaking through a dam, " said Piper."Yeah, " smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole."" What?" Piper asked." Nothing, " he said. "Inside joke. Rick Riordan
97
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. Douglas Adams
98
Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand. Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision, " he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed. Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down, " he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence." You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?" Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit. His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes, " he said stiffly. "Besides de vings."" Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um.." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record! "" Hardly a special talent, " ter Borcht said witheringly. Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it.".." I vill now eat nine Snickers bars, " Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing." Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony." Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?"" Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert".. Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica."" I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs! " Gazzy barked. James Patterson
Short cuts make long delays.
99
Short cuts make long delays. J.r.r. Tolkien
No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity...
100
No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it Fernando Pessoa