100 Quotes About Humorous

Life can be stressful. We have a million things to do and a million things to worry about, but what if you could laugh at those things instead of grimace as you go about doing them? Life is funny. That’s why we have all those jokes and funny quotes that make us smile, even when we want to throw something at the screen. So grab your favorite drink, your favorite chair, and your favorite cat, and check out our collection of funny quotes for a little humor in your life.

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Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys. George R.r. Martin
GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not...
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GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not like to ask for directions. Now if women could only come with relationship GPS we would be one step closer to world peace. Ken Poirot
Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in...
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Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos. Delian Zahariev
Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until...
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Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in. Carl R White
There's always room for a unicorn in my life.(i.e. fantasy...
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There's always room for a unicorn in my life.(i.e. fantasy and imagination) Renata Ammazzini
The energy I want to put out in the world...
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The energy I want to put out in the world is the kind of energy even people that don’t fuck with me appreciate and benefit from. Positivity is all I want in my life. Genereux Philip
Dear Single Ladies, Love is precious, Remember this: You are...
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Dear Single Ladies, Love is precious, Remember this: You are worth pursuing. Don't Cheapen Yourself Genereux Philip
Just because you consider yourself a genius does not mean...
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Just because you consider yourself a genius does not mean you are smart Mark W Boyer
A man is known by the company he keeps not...
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A man is known by the company he keeps not by the company he works. Gaurav Agnihotri
Whoever said that money didn't buy happiness was a damn...
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Whoever said that money didn't buy happiness was a damn fool. A damn fool who'd never been poor. Tom Cooper
Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.
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Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. Candace C. Bowen
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So, Shannon, ” she said as she put on her seat belt. “Tell me all about yourself.” I hated to hear that question. Just once, I wished I had the girlballs to say, I work for the federal government in a department that I cannot disclose, but I can tell you that I’m trained to kill using nothing more than a toothpick. So when you say you’ll call, you damn well better do it... Robin Alexander
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Oh, dear God! ” Janice bellowed and looked as though her neck was made of rubber as her head wobbled back and forth. Lou set the book back on the credenza as Janice stormed out. “Ashton, I’m sorry you had to witness that. As you well know, Mom has never been a pleasant woman. Since coming to live here, she’s been a nightmare on two legs. I’ve had her head examined, and there’s no tumor or disease to explain her behavior. The neurologist and our family doctor have simply diagnosed her as a chronic jackass. . Robin Alexander
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How was practice?" Shawna asked when Jet walked into the kitchen. "You must've worked hard again, you smell like a wet puppy." "We did." Jet grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. " Your buddy said she was proud of us today." "That's good." Shawna smiled as checked on their dinner. " Are you starting to like her now?" I don't want to beat her with my flagpole anymore, but I wouldn't say I like her. Now your other friend is all up in the punch. Mrs. Scofield was at practice today passing out chocolate milk and telling us what to do with our glitter, " Jet said and took a drink of her water. Shawna glanced at Jet. "What're you going to do with the glitter?" "Put it on my eyelids. Personally, I think we're gonna look like sparkly hookers, but makeup isn't my call.. . Robin Alexander
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She was walking toward the beauty shop when Shay came out the door moving fast. The first thing Jill noticed was Shay’s hair and how it appeared really big. As Shay drew closer, Jill realized she looked like she was wearing a mask with big blue streaks over the eyes and giant red pouty lips. “What happened to you?” Jill asked in shock. “I’m not sure, ” Shay said, looking just as stunned. “One minute, I was reading a magazine, and the next, two women that looked like Dolly Parton descended on me like vultures. They started putting stuff on my face, then they did all kinds of things to my hair.” Anne walked out of the shop next; her Napoleon hat ’do rode higher than ever. Ella followed with her little red hair ball reinflated. “Doesn’t Shay just look beautiful?” Ella chirped. She looked like a hooker who’d just survived a wind tunnel, but Jill nodded and tried to smile. . Robin Alexander
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Let’s get to our site, ” Anne said. “I’m gonna need a nap before the hunt…and lunch.” “Do you wish you would’ve gotten that rental car this morning?” Jill whispered as Anne and Ella settled into their seats. Shay nodded. “Uh-huh.” Jill had seen many campgrounds, but her jaw sagged, and her foot slipped off the gas pedal twice. Sally rolled on slowly as she stared at the cadre of camouflaged vehicles and tents. One man sat atop his RV in a lawn chair, his binoculars trained on the woods beyond. “They really do take this seriously, ” Shay whispered in awe. “This is like a militaristic zone.” Jill backed into a slip covered with a quilt of netting and camouflage tarps strung from the trees high overhead. “What is the reason for all of this?” she asked. “The campground is designed to blend in with nature to be more welcoming to the Bigfoot, ” Anne explained. “That’s what they told us when we checked in.” “Oh, is that it? Well, let me just craft a banner that says, ‘We come in peace or bite-sized pieces, ”’ Jill said with a sardonic laugh. Robin Alexander
In the beginning there was the Word. Then we broke...
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In the beginning there was the Word. Then we broke it. Ljupka Cvetanova
I have a headache. If only I had a crown...
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I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on! Ljupka Cvetanova
Some women walk towards a better future. Others have chauffeurs.
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Some women walk towards a better future. Others have chauffeurs. Ljupka Cvetanova
Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.
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Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb. Julieanne OConnor
God is my provider I brag different.
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God is my provider I brag different. Genereux Philip
GOD IS MY PROVIDER I BRAG DIFFERENT, THROUGH HIM ALL...
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GOD IS MY PROVIDER I BRAG DIFFERENT, THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. Genereux Philip
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When you're twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It's only when you get to twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you've been looking at the map upside down, and not until you're forty are you entirely sure. By the time you're sixty, take it from me, you're fucking lost. Stephen King
He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.
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He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke. Carroll Bryant
Otis,
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Otis, " I said." Shhh, " he said. "I'm incognito. Call me... Otis."" I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam. Rick Riordan
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Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids? . Robin Alexander
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Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor’s corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor’s head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away – an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system. Robert Kroese
He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive...
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He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword. Robert Kroese
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A survey was done on people who LIE, but the results were unre L I Eable Unknown
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Jack coughed slightly and offered his hand. “Hi, uh. I’m Jack.”Kim took it. “Jack what?”“ Huh?”“ Your last name, silly.”“ Jackson.” She blinked at him. “Your name is Jack Jackson?”He blushed. “No, uh, my first name’s Rhett, but I hate it, so…” He gestured to the chair and she sat. Her dress rode up several inches, exposing pleasing long lines of creamy skin. “Well, Jack, what’s your field of study?”“ Biological Engineering, Genetics, and Microbiology. Post-doc. I’m working on a research project at the institute.”“ Really? Oh, uh, my apple martini’s getting a little low.”“ I’ve got that, one second.” He scurried to the bar and bought her a fresh one. She sipped and managed to make it look not only seductive but graceful as well. “What do you want to do after you’re done with the project?” Kim continued.“ Depends on what I find.” She sent him a simmering smile. “What are you looking for?” Immediately, Jack’s eyes lit up and his posture straightened. “I started the project with the intention of learning how to increase the reproduction of certain endangered species. I had interest in the idea of cloning, but it proved too difficult based on the research I compiled, so I went into animal genetics and cellular biology. It turns out the animals with the best potential to combine genes were reptiles because their ability to lay eggs was a smoother transition into combining the cells to create a new species, or one with a similar ancestry that could hopefully lead to rebuilding extinct animals via surrogate birth or in-vitro fertilization. We’re on the edge of breaking that code, and if we do, it would mean that we could engineer all kinds of life and reverse what damage we’ve done to the planet’s ecosystem.” Kim stared. “Right. Would you excuse me for a second?” She wiggled off back to her pack of friends by the bar. Judging by the sniggering and the disgusted glances he was getting, she wasn’t coming back. Jack sighed and finished off his beer, massaging his forehead. “Yes, brilliant move. You blinded her with science. Genius, Jack.”He ordered a second one and finished it before he felt smallish hands on his shoulders and a pair of soft lips on his cheek. He turned to find Kamala had returned, her smile unnaturally bright in the black lights glowing over the room. “So…how did it go with Kim?”He shot her a flat look. “You notice the chair is empty.” Kamala groaned. “You talked about the research project, didn’t you?”“ No! ” She glared at him.“…maybe…”“ You’re so useless, Jack.” She paused and then tousled his hair a bit. “Cheer up. The night’s still young. I’m not giving up on you.” He smiled in spite of himself. “Yet.”Her brown eyes flashed. “Never. Kyoko M.
An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to...
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An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet. Matshona Dhliwayo
Get high on love, not drugs.
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Get high on love, not drugs. Matshona Dhliwayo
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Ryker smiled at me. “You learn quick–” I cut him off. “If you call me grasshopper, I’m going to slug you.” “Padawan.” I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn’t even flinch. “You’re such a nerd.”“ Geek, Millie. I’m a geek.” His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him. I shot him a grin instead. “Only a nerd would know the difference. E.M. Denning
Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when...
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Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you. Matshona Dhliwayo
Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.
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Love came, it saw, and it conquered me. Matshona Dhliwayo
Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it...
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Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you. Matshona Dhliwayo
There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love...
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There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings. Matshona Dhliwayo
The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is...
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The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday. Matshona Dhliwayo
If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet,...
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If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for. Matshona Dhliwayo
Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.
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Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day. Matshona Dhliwayo
The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is...
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The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand. Matshona Dhliwayo
Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you...
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Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done. Matshona Dhliwayo
Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they...
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Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail. Matshona Dhliwayo
A kiss is the only thing you can throw at...
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A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible. Matshona Dhliwayo
CAME
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CAME" - Crownless Ambition Must Emerge - Genereux Philip Genereux Philip
If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God...
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If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you. Matshona Dhliwayo
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Look, this isn't about the ring or when I ever made a hamburger, which, for your information, was my senior year of college."" Right, when you almost caught our kitchen on fire."" And you dated one of the firefighters for six months. You're welcome. Back to my problem. Rachel Hauck
People think I am younger then I really am, because...
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People think I am younger then I really am, because I act so immature. James Hauenstein
It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say...
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It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean F.D. Lee
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There isn’t anything I can tell you that you don’t already know, ” Melly answered.“ Yes, but if we already know it then you’re not telling us anything new, ” Bea said, thinking her way through the carriages of fear on the witch’s train of thought, “and if we don’t tell you what we know and what we don’t know, then you won’t know if you’ve actually told us something we don’t know, and what you don’t know we don’t know won’t hurt you.” Melly stared at Bea, her cigarette hanging from her lip in defeat.“ Did that make sense?” Joan asked.“ Yes, ” Melly said slowly, “but it probably shouldn’t have done. F.D. Lee
Men never forget true love. They always remember all the...
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Men never forget true love. They always remember all the women they couldn't have. Ljupka Cvetanova
He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.
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He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. Ljupka Cvetanova
Walking through life, we spend most of our energy choosing...
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Walking through life, we spend most of our energy choosing the right shoes. Ljupka Cvetanova
Life is a circle. It spins you around.
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Life is a circle. It spins you around. Ljupka Cvetanova
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A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. Ljupka Cvetanova
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I'm like a circus standing on two legs. Nuno Roque
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I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines. Nuno Roque
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For me, every week is a fashion week. Nuno Roque
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Realism is criminal. Nuno Roque
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Writing is probably the only form of art, through which you can express, which you would otherwise wouldn't dare to say in person.... Ramana Pemmaraju
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That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) Eve Kagan
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A good lover? One percent talent and ninety nine percent hard work. Ljupka Cvetanova
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Opposities are married. Ljupka Cvetanova
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Just married! A bright past is ahead of them! Ljupka Cvetanova
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There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that. Ljupka Cvetanova
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She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! Ljupka Cvetanova
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While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believethat if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well inmy life. Vann Chow
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Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist. Oliver Markus
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99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol. Quentin R. Bufogle
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And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again. Vann Chow
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Then perhaps you don’t need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn’t cover it.” Neferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. “There’s nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro.” Ziro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. “Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they? . Ash Gray
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Return me safely to my home, ” the princess said, “and I shall reward you with your weight in eggs.” Olorun snorted derisively. “You’re joking, right?” The woman’s eyes flitted in embarrassment. “Now wait a minute, ” said Helianthus. “We’re talkin’ eggs here. What sort of eggs? Ostrich eggs?” Neferre made an impatient noise. “Hel! She doesn’t have any eggs! Unless they’re hidden in a very. delicate place.” Neferre grinned at the princess. “Tell me your eggs are hidden where I think they’re hidden. Ash Gray
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The day the Dragon chooses a male virgin instead of a female as his yearly sacrifice, the entire kingdom erupts into mass protests and anger. Mads Sukalikar
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If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! Leah Broadby
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Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. Leah Broadby
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Anyway, it’s unthinkable! Dragons and knights are born enemies. They need to be enemies just like dogs hate cats, cats hate mice and mice hate scientists. Without somebody to hate where would all the hate go? The hate would just boil up inside you, eat away and cause you to have indigestion then a heart attack. We need to release the anger, and we release it on dragons who release it back on us. We slay them and they roast us. It is the natural order of things, Emma. Elias Zapple
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Come on, you shouldn't continue to disturb your mind with everything. Avoid thinking about anything at all, leave something, keep something and think about something! Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
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Darkness is necessary for evolvement. Lailah Gifty Akita
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Without hope we fail to exist. Lailah Gifty Akita
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You didn’t just accidentally win my favor, ” I dispute, slowly shaking myforehead against his. “You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times… We might actually be able to call it even. M.A. George
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Of all the things in the world, I'm particularly amazed at, is the conviction with which the MIND, endorses an Idea, which is phenomenal, as it differentiates the Genius from Mediocre, or not to forget the human stupidity in particular! Ramana Pemmaraju
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Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide. Ljupka Cvetanova
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I watched you undress. Shame on you! Ljupka Cvetanova
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While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels. Ljupka Cvetanova
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I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house? Ljupka Cvetanova
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He has his head in the clouds. He must live in a skyscraper. Ljupka Cvetanova
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His boat sank. They were all on his side. Ljupka Cvetanova
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I've learned my lesson. I know nothing. Ljupka Cvetanova
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In his life there was only one woman. The other one. Ljupka Cvetanova
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They were all on his side. Hi boat sank. Ljupka Cvetanova
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Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs. Ljupka Cvetanova
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Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married. Crystal Woods
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I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks? Rick Riordan
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. She was beautiful, and her temperament seemed much better than his first wife did. Arman stopped in the middle of the Windsor knot on his tie. Who was he trying to kid, he thought. An enraged rabid pit bull in heat would have had a better temperament then his first wife. Grace Willows
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In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. Nenia Campbell
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I ran outta tears of sadness when I was 20 & all I got left is tears of joy. Genereux Philip
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If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur! Anonymous
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I refuse to lie to children. I refuse to cater to the bullshit of innocence. Maurice Sendak
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I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction. Wendy Liebman
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Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody, ” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand. Mark Jackman