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Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.Salman Aditya
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Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in.Carl R White
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Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El BeyAmunhotep El Bey
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Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."" You just got here."" Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."" You're making that up."" I'm not."" So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP! ' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?Rick Riordan
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Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.Terry Pratchett
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In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.Amunhotep El Bey
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Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El BeyAmunhotep El Bey
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Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids? .Robin Alexander
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An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Get high on love, not drugs.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.Matshona Dhliwayo
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There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.Matshona Dhliwayo
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The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.Matshona Dhliwayo
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If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.Matshona Dhliwayo
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The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.Matshona Dhliwayo
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A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.Matshona Dhliwayo
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If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.Matshona Dhliwayo
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99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.Quentin R. Bufogle
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Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.O.A. Battista
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Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.Jacob M. Appel
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The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.Mark Jackman
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I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here.C. Joybell C.
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Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity... I'm close enough to walk!Tanya Masse
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EWI: Emailing While IntoxicatedKent Alan Robinson
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Tell them I have the headache--no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious.Lauren Willig
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Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?Carroll Bryant
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Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.Carroll Bryant
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Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.Addison C. Arthur
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Wow, ” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.Adam Selzer
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Pardon me Mam, I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?Frank Calvin Mann
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Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.Laurie Foxx
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Owning a drone does not a pilot make.Alex Morritt
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You never know what you will find in your pants!Ken Poirot
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Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.Clare Vanderpool
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If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.Waheed Ibne Musa
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...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).G.M. Malliet
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Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.Chuck Palahniuk
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I doubt you would recognize an adventure of any sort if it came right up and bit you on the a--- Mother! I was going to say arm.Victoria Alexander
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Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.Alan Kinross
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Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.A.a. Milne
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Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.Quentin R. Bufogle
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.Matthew Heines
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His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t–it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.Jen Naumann
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Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.Matshona Dhliwayo
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I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.Matshona Dhliwayo
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The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.Matshona Dhliwayo
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If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.Matshona Dhliwayo
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As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.Stewart Lee Beck
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She never saw the point of making fun of strangers — how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?Daniel Marks
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Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.Carroll Bryant
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Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.Jim Moorman
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A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.Matshona Dhliwayo
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The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.Matshona Dhliwayo
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She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.Matshona Dhliwayo
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Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.Matshona Dhliwayo
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When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.Matshona Dhliwayo
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A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.Matshona Dhliwayo
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I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.Stewart Lee Beck
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My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.Stewart Lee Beck
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Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?Stewart Lee Beck
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Deep down, he's shallow.Peter De Vries
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Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.Peter De Vries
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.Matthew Heines
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Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.Matthew D. Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other. All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.Matthew Heines
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Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.Matthew Heines
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If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)Melissa Mercer
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If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself.Heather Dowell
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Ferguson Riots" They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.Matthew Heines
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I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.Fakeer Ishavardas
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I love you as I do all - not at all.Fakeer Ishavardas
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So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.Matshona Dhliwayo
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You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your buttLaurell K. Hamilton
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As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.Mita Jain
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He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.S.E. Zbasnik
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My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.Melita Tessy
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This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be! - Governor DewarUnknown