100 Quotes About Humorou

Humor is a great way to lift the spirits and make life a little easier. Our world is full of stressful situations and it can be hard to stay positive when we’re faced with adversity. The list below has some of the best and most hilarious quotes which can bring a smile to your face and help you get through the day.

I only have so much willpower, Helen, " he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid. Josephine Angelini
I strive for perfection - I settle for satisfaction
I strive for perfection - I settle for satisfaction Carroll Bryant
The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.
The better organized the state, the duller its humanity. David Mitchell
Quest assignments are never wrong.
Quest assignments are never wrong. Page Wisher
I'm infatuated with you, I cannot deny it. Physically speaking, you're a very attractive man. But I don't like you, the vast majority of the time. So far as I can gather, you behave abominably in public and are only marginally better in private. I only find you remotely tolerable when you're kissing me. Tessa Dare
She shook her head as she confessed,
She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope." "Never be afraid to hope, " Rohan said gently. "It's the only way to begin." -Rohan to Win Lisa Kleypas
He had had a severe shock some weeks earlier, when, having narrowly failed to capture a large grey-brown hare for his dinner, it had stopped at the edge of the forest, looked at him with disdain, and said, 'Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, that's all, ' and had scampered off into the long grass Neil Gaiman
I'm going to do something bigger and better, bigger and betterand bolder, but first, I'm going to do somethingsmaller and worse. JonArno Lawson
I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We...
I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple. David Sedaris
I know that not all my readers like my digressions,...
I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me. Richard Dawkins
I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me...
I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway. Haruki Murakami
It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks. Winston Groom
Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye...
Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel James Hauenstein
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women...
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships. Gilda Radner
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has...
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. Ambrose Bierce
...but once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our husbands, though they be blockheads Unknown
Those who work, knows the strength of labour. Lailah Gifty Akita
You won't enjoy it, " sighed Crowley. "It's been in the car for more than a fortnight." A heavy bass beat began to thump through the Bentley as they sped past Heathrow. Aziraphale's brow furrowed. "I don't recognize this, " he said. "What is it?" "It's Tchaikovsky's 'Another One Bites the Dust', " said Crowley, closing his eyes as they went through Slough. To while away the time as they crossed the sleeping Chilterns, they also listened to William Byrd's "We Are the Champions" and Beethoven's "I Want To Break Free." Neither were as good as Vaughan Williams's "Fat-Bottomed Girls. Terry Pratchett
I wanted to write in Kitchenese, the secret language of cooks, instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever dunked french fries for a summer job or suffered under the despotic rule of a tyrannical chef or boobish owner. Anthony Bourdain
Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a soul, which prepared itsself to dismiss him as if he were a frightened child, and suddenly it found a man whose tremendous power demanded a movement of seismic readjustment from her insides. Unknown
Suffering is the sorrow of joy. Lailah Gifty Akita
...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the time you're ready to die, your life can be read. Liam Howley
Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid. Jon Ronson
You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour? I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer. Just a hot dog then. Some coffee? Milk? Soda? Tea? Life Savers? Slurpee? Just let me know. I'm here. I knew I knew ya! Planes
You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour? I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer. Just a hot dog then. Some coffee? Milk? Soda? Tea? Life Savers? Slurpee? Just let me know. I'm here. knew I knew ya! Planes
A life is similar to a book. Some chapters are boring, a few emotional, a handful memorable, others saddening, one or two thoughtful and many full of smiles. Mopelola Adeniyi
Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments. Robert Fulghum
Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, "That's true, I'm hiding from the barber! ! Neil Leckman
First we crawl. Later we crawl on broken glass. Scott Meyers
I laugh when i'm hurt. I laugh when i'm confused. I laugh when i'm angry. I laugh because others will laugh as well, and while we are laughing, I feel okay for a while. Damien Buerger
Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities are crumbling to dust. Paula Stokes
He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully. E.m. Forster
Today is a season for tomorrow's harvest AndrewKnox B Kaniki
Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins. Delilah S. Dawson
I wanted to find my voice, so I sat in silence. I wanted joy, so I cried my heart open. I wanted wisdom, so I capered in bodacious foolishness. I wanted freedom, so I felt my bonds. Catherine Scott
Solve your problems or your problems solve you. Mario Fingarov
Like every other good thing in thisworld, leisure and culture have to be paid for. Fortunately, however, it is not the leisured and the cultured who have to pay. Let us beduly thankful for that, my dear Denis--duly thankful. Aldous Huxley
Is the any model like morality? Lailah Gifty Akita
Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them. Bridget Allison
...I do have to wonder what sort of childhood the Grimm brothers endured. They are not a merry bunch of storytellers, what with their children roasted by witches, maidens poisoned by old crones, and whatnot. Libba Bray
I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though. Veronica Roth
You might want to lie down, " Magnus advised. "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in. Cassandra Clare
Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance. Oscar Wilde
Thanks, ” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.”He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.”I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that, ” I snapped.“ It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.” Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you, ” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.”“ A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.” I flipped him off. Jennifer L. Armentrout
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. Oscar Wilde
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt Mark Twain
He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.”“ I prefer canine- American, ” said Total. James Patterson
Why does everything so bad for you always taste so dreamy? Colleen Houck
I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind. Veronica Roth
I can be a regular bitch. Just try me. Stieg Larsson
Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton. Dean Koontz
He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face. Shannon Hale
My dear Reaper, " Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-'' No! ' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and. . fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up! ' " -Pg 280. Jeaniene Frost
Citizen's arrest, " he said. "Well, that, and Patch told me to. Becca Fitzpatrick
Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.'what the hell was that?' I gasped.' Premature inflammation, ' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.' Jeaniene Frost
Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater? Jamie: Because, he's too busy looking for your brain. Nicholas Sparks
There's a name for people with an interest in the moon, " Alex said. "They're called lunatics. Anthony Horowitz
Just so you know, I hate camping. I'm not so much appreciating the fact that there's no bathroom out here. 'Nature calls' while walking in nature is on my list of least favorite things. You tigers, and men in general, have it so much easier than us girls. Colleen Houck
Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over." He raised an eyebrow." That could be easily arranged. Aimee Carter
Scrawny little mundane bastard. Cassandra Clare
It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century. Stephenie Meyer
I don't necessarily agree with everything that I say. Marshall McLuhan
Didn't know you could measure distance so well with nothing but you bloody eyeballs James Dashner
She shrugged and flipped her glossy hair behind her shoulders. "What else do you have to do with your time besides think about stuff like this? It's not like you're real heavy into extracurriculars. Besides, you're all, like, goth and into the dead, right?" Alona Dare, queen of the insult-compliment. "Wow. Thanks. Anyone ever tell you you're good with people?" She frowned. "No.""Good. I'm not goth."" Your hair is black, you have piercings, you wear black all the time and act all freaky-"" My hair is naturally this color. I have three earings in one ear, that's it. This shirt" -I tugged at the fabric across my chest- "is navy blue, and if I act weird all the time, it's because of ghosts like you. . Stacey Kade
There are some people who believe that home is where one hangs one's hat, but these people tend to live in closets and on little pegs. Lemony Snicket
I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it. Stephanie Perkins
I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. Jill Shalvis
I am Midnight(cats stare dumbfounded) Erin Hunter
Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies? J.k. Rowling
Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel. Jill Shalvis
On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt at the time. John Green
I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke that. Jessica Verday
Obstinate, headstrong girl! Jane Austen
I do believe in shooting the messenger. You know why? Because it sends a message. L.j. Smith
Was it fate? Was it destiny?"" I think it was Alan Blunt. Anthony Horowitz
If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese. J.r. Ward
Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman. Kresley Cole
I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one. John Kennedy Toole
He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians. Unknown
I was cold, hungry, and in a hole in the ground. But at least I had my elven porn, damnit! Kim Harrison
It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex. Morgan Matson
We're going to the Underworld, " Izzy said. She bounced a little as she said it, her eyes bright and her tone implying that "the Underworld" was akin to "Candy Land. Rachel Hawkins
Andrea: "....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix." Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that. Ilona Andrews
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. Jerry Seinfeld
Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If so, let's roll. I'm ready. My toaster will never be the boss of me. Get ready to make me some Pop-Tarts, bitch. Chuck Klosterman
Face touchage" "lame-sauce" "Sulky McSulkerton Rachel Hawkins
Kiss my ass Rath Roiben Rye Holly Black
I like fish, " chirruped Tunstell."Really, Mr. Tunstell? What is your preferred breed?"" Well"-- Tunstell hesitated--"you know, the um, ones that"--he made a swooping motion with both hands--"uh, swim. Gail Carriger
I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' B Mary Calmes
The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion. G.k. Chesterton
I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy. Tamora Pierce
But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life. Lemony Snicket
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane. Terry Pratchett
The front door swung open, and Zsadist strode into the house. Wrath glared. "Nice of you to show up, Z. Busy tonight with the females?"" How about you get off my dick? J.r. Ward
I disliked numbers, and they didn't think much of me either. R.J. Anderson
Daddy, What's the horizontal tango? Simone Elkeles
Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you. Louise Rennison
...personal torture instructor... I mean physical therapist. Simone Elkeles
Still trying to save the world?” “Always, ” I said, “and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s working. The world is still here. Nicole Williams
They're a little strange, but I'm pretty sure neither of them is going to try to make me uncomfortable by stripping naked. Suzanne Collins