200+ Best Funny Quotes And Sayings

Funny quotes are the best kind of jokes. They show off our good sides and make us laugh out loud. Whether you want to make someone laugh, make yourself laugh, or just want to laugh at yourself, this collection of funny quotes is sure to do the trick.

1
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. Lili St. Crow
If an apology is followed by an excuse or a...
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If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for. Amit Kalantri
Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth...
3
Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals. Amit Kalantri
When you are angry try your best to go to...
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When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry. Amit Kalantri
Good man and bad man with money goes a long...
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Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey Amunhotep El Bey
Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or...
6
Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop. Fakeer Ishavardas
I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those...
7
I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am. Fakeer Ishavardas
GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not...
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GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not like to ask for directions. Now if women could only come with relationship GPS we would be one step closer to world peace. Ken Poirot
Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in...
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Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos. Delian Zahariev
Was it just her, or did lovers look more adoringly...
10
Was it just her, or did lovers look more adoringly at each other in this city? Especially in the springtime.' Die, bastards.' She sighed. It wasn't their fault that they were bastards who should die. Kresley Cole
Love is relentless, and so am I ;)
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Love is relentless, and so am I ;) Keisha Keenleyside
An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people...
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An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant. Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very...
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Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since. Anne Elizabeth Moore
14
It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower. . Oliver Markus
All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.
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All humans are rogues. Cured only by death. Fakeer Ishavardas
Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be.
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Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be. Fakeer Ishavardas
Do not believe in a god who is as silly,...
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Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego. Fakeer Ishavardas
18
Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools. Adhish Mazumder
19
I discovered that politics is not entirely about agendas and manifestos of some old, sullen creep promising a better future of the country as a whole. Politics is being played everywhere and it starts from the very bedroom that you consider your safe haven. Adhish Mazumder
I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and...
20
I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. F. Scott Fitzgerald