100 Quotes About Funny

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. Lili St. Crow

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower. . Oliver Markus

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools. Adhish Mazumder

I discovered that politics is not entirely about agendas and manifestos of some old, sullen creep promising a better future of the country as a whole. Politics is being played everywhere and it starts from the very bedroom that you consider your safe haven. Adhish Mazumder

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap. D.L. Hess

Amren, ” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine, ” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you, ” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust. Sarah J. Maas

In Science don't confound Normal static electricity To ecstatic eccentricity. Here is what I found: Electric charges As they rise up your hair In contrast with a discharge, Rarity leaves you up in the air! Ana Claudia Antunes

I'll be fine." She kissed his cheek. "Styles nearly killed the two men I love most. Trust me, he's going to regret that. After all, it is foolish to get on the bad side of either Spellsmith or Carver...and I just happen to be both. H.L. Burke

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe... Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks. Leah Thomas

Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication: They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop. Never think that. We're not the poop. Leah Thomas

Halt glared at his friend as the whistling continued.' I had hoped that your new sense of responsibly would put an end to that painful shrieking noise you make between your lips' he said. Crowley smiled. It was a beautiful day and he was feeling at peace with the world. And that meant he was more than ready to tease Halt 'It's a jaunty song'' What's jaunty about it?' Halt asked, grim faced. Crowley made an uncertain gesture as he sought for an answer to that question.' I suppose it's the subject matter' he said eventually. 'It's a very cheerful song. Would you like me to sing it for you?'' N-' Halt began but he was too late, as Crowley began to sing. He had a pleasant tenor voice, in fact, and his rendering of the song was quite good. But to Halt it was as attractive as a rusty barn door squeaking.' A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady-o'' Whoa! Whoa! ' Halt said 'He met a lovely lady-o?' Halt repeated sarcastically 'What in the name of all that's holy is a lady-o?'' It's a lady' Crowley told him patiently.' Then why not sing 'he met a lovely lady'?' Halt wanted to know. Crowley frowned as if the answer was blatantly obvious." Because he's from Palladio, as the song says. It's a city on the continent, in the southern part of Toscana.''And people there have lady-o's, instead of ladies?' Asked Halt'No. They have ladies, like everyone else. But 'lady' doesn't rhyme with Palladio, does it? I could hardly sing, 'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met his lovely lady', could I?''It would make more sense if you did' Halt insisted 'But it wouldn't rhyme' Crowley told him.' Would that be so bad?'' Yes! A song has to rhyme or it isn't a proper song. It has to be lady-o. It's called poetic license.'' It's poetic license to make up a word that doesn't exist and which, by the way, sound extremely silly?' Halt asked. Crowley shook his head 'No. It's poetic license to make sure that the two lines rhyme with each other' Halt thought for a few seconds, his eyes knitted close together. Then inspiration struck him.' Well then couldn't you sing 'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady, so..'?'' So what?' Crowley challenged Halt made and uncertain gesture with his hands as he sought more inspiration. Then he replied. 'He met a lovely lady, so..he asked her for her hand and gave her a leg of lamb.'' A leg of lamb? Why would she want a leg of lamb?' Crowley demanded Halt shrugged 'Maybe she was hungry . John Flanagan

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid. . Oliver Markus

When guys try to get a good job and make a lot of money, it's so that they can find a good mate, because they know women like guys with money. Big tits are to men, what big wallets are to women. A sexy woman can have almost any man she wants. And a rich guy can have almost any woman he wants. Oliver Markus

We like to romanticize the wild, raw, majestic beauty of nature. But when you take a closer look, nature is really just a giant fuckfest. That beautiful bird chirping? It's a mating call. That pretty little bird is trying to get laid. And why does the peacock have such beautiful feathers? To attract females. Because he's trying to get laid. Oliver Markus

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are asleep, who can subject you to total surveillance around the clock every waking and sleeping minute of your life, before you're born and, even worse and where the real fun begins, after you're dead. A celestial North Korea. Who wants this to be true? Who but a slave desires such a ghastly fate? I've been to North Korea. It has a dead man as its president, Kim Jong-Il is only head of the party and head of the army. He's not head of the state. That office belongs to his deceased father, Kim Il-Sung. It's a necrocracy, a thanatocracy. It's one short of a trinity I might add. The son is the reincarnation of the father. It is the most revolting and utter and absolute and heartless tyranny the human species has ever evolved. But at least you can fucking die and leave North Korea!. Christopher Hitchens

I'm like a circus standing on two legs. Nuno Roque

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines. Nuno Roque

For me, every week is a fashion week. Nuno Roque

My childhood was a drag show! Nuno Roque

France, stop throwing awards at me! I have so many already, give them to people who need them. Nuno Roque

Realism is criminal. Nuno Roque

Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart. Raheel Farooq

The greater the injury, the greater the fun. Leinad Eibam

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. Oliver Markus

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist. Oliver Markus

Look at the huge success of Fifty Shades of Grey. The girl in the book lets a rich guy beat her and ritually rape her, and she likes it! She finds it erotic! But imagine if Christian Grey wasn't a billionaire. Imagine if he lived in a dirty old trailer down by the river. Then that story wouldn't be a sexy romance novel, but an episode of CSI. Oliver Markus

Normally, she would never wish a head injury on anyone, but it might make her days in Archival Studies a bit easier. Jaleigh Johnson

What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive. Emilyann Girdner

I think therefore I am not sure. Ljupka Cvetanova

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here? Ryan Lilly

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child. Dr. Seuss

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. Nenia Campbell

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense. Amit Kalantri

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers. Matshona Dhliwayo

The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'. Amit Kalantri

I don't understand this irony - valuable things like cars, gold, diamond are made up of hard materials but most valuable things like money, contracts and books are made up of soft paper. Amit Kalantri

Reading is the noblest of all the hobbies, that is why people mention it so frequently in their resume even if they don't read much. Amit Kalantri

Mike stood in-line, waiting for the mealtime muck that passed for lunch at his school canteen. He knew he was getting close to the front now, as he tightly held his tray. Not just because he could see this as you might expect, but because he could smell Margery the school cook’s body odour. The children at the front were already holding their breath. You could see a line of pink faces close to him, to red, then purple closest to Margery. Only when they left at the end did they breathe for air and turn back to their normal colour again, like a deep sea diver after a long plunge. “Margery the Meal Murderer” was her name for most school kids. . L.P. Donnelli

Your pretense does not fool me, gnome. My eye will be upon you. Cassandra Clare

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200, 000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped. Mark Jackman

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him. Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart, ' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm. Mark Jackman

If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard. Oliver Markus

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional. Wayne Gerard Trotman

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really a D O O Rable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me Ana Claudia Antunes

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled. Saurabh Sharma

I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I do my butt. Fakeer Ishavardas

Humans, left to own misguided devices, scratches the Divine in the self as one would the lice, but remember to lick well all the vices. Fakeer Ishavardas

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you. Werley Nortreus

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them. Raheel Farooq

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes. Fakeer Ishavardas

There is no human-like god. If there were, he'd be as silly as you. Fakeer Ishavardas