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Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.Fakeer Ishavardas
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I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.Delian Zahariev
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Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since.Anne Elizabeth Moore
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Remember, you are as dispensable as the most indispensable king of kings, the mighty lord of silly worldly men.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.Fakeer Ishavardas
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My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?Fakeer Ishavardas
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Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.” A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“ Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me? .Kiersten White
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One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.Carroll Bryant
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All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.Carroll Bryant
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How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?Carroll Bryant
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When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!Carroll Bryant
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Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.Ivan Stoikov
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Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.Alex Flinn
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Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids? .Robin Alexander
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Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.D.L. Hess
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I would die for you, my love–in old age.Ljupka Cvetanova
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Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication: They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop. Never think that. We're not the poop.Leah Thomas
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The wife’s gotta know. You can’t hook up like that for what looks like about six or seven years without the wife figuring it out. Unless she’s another idiot.“ I’m not an idiot.” Smiling, Roarke continued to stroke. “I’ll keep that in mind when I decide to have a long-term affair.”“ Yeah, you do that. They’ll never find your body, ” she murmured, then dropped into sleep. His smiled warmed, and feeling well loved, he dropped off with her.J.D. Robb
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I'm good at blowjob.Lauren Baker
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Lucien had never prayed before, never imagined that there might be a deity listening who would be interested in what he had to say, so his supplication skills were a tad rusty. But now Lucien prayed. Please don’t take her from me just as I’ve found her. If you do, I’ll come for your ass. Any gods listening would do well to heed him. Lucien never made a promise that he couldn’t keep.Aimee Roseland
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But he saw a rare determination in Haley's eyes. I can trust Haley's judgement, he told himself, even as he remembered how Haley had eaten that cheddar with the mold growing on it two weeks before. Cheese and people are not the same.Kit Alloway
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Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.Fakeer Ishavardas
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I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. “Boys are like candy, ” she suddenly says. I grin. “Really, Mom? That’s your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?Rucy Ban
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Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.Carroll Bryant
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....I'd rather travel in Cargo-nanoships than a Bullet-train to reach my target.Farooq A. Shiekh
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Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.Oliver Oliver Reed
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For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.Oliver Oliver Reed
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When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.Oliver Oliver Reed
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If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.Oliver Oliver Reed
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What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.- Yo mama carries more passengers.- Not everyone's been on a 747.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!Oliver Oliver Reed
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Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.Oliver Oliver Reed
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Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.Oliver Oliver Reed
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I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while! ” ― Bill Murray character in CadyshackMark Buff
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Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes! " Michael Keaton character in "Mr. MomMark Buff
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110, 111 whatever it takes! " Michael Keaton character in Mr. MomMark Buff
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If you were smart, " Genghis said, "you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends."" We never thought of that, " Klaus said. When one is forced to tell atrocious lies, one often feels a guilty flutter in one's stomach, and Klaus felt such a flutter now. "You certainly are an intelligent man."" Not only am I intelligent, " Genghis agreed, "but I'm also very smart.Lemony Snicket
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Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.Unknown
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The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice--"" You do, " she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking." He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice."" Not really, " Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing.Rachel Caine
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Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Checked thoroughly, humans stink.Fakeer Ishavardas
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An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?Fakeer Ishavardas
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Laughter is the best medicineChase Soundly
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Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.The Covert Comic
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Dogs are angels full of poop.Oliver Gaspirtz
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I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.Matthew Heines
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Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.Matthew Heines
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What are you? The pregnant MacGyver?” “Best compliment I’ve had in a while.Cristin Harber
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You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.Fakeer Ishavardas
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Were one to call your stupid ism good, well then, one would either be equally idiotic, or a fool, or no good.Fakeer Ishavardas
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You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I'll make you a rich woman.Kate Avery Ellison
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...and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side...Thomas Malory
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Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - OwenOlivia Cunning
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I love you all - if you are not people!Fakeer Ishavardas
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So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.Fakeer Ishavardas
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You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?Renita DSilva
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Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had there been somewhere else on the bus to sit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job of self-persuasion. Good thing I wasn't in court suing myself, because I would have lost. From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short StoryZack Love
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So I'm delighted to open up a bit about these particular details, in honor of Valentine's Day (when every balding, chubby, and short actuary wants people - especially the babes out there - to know about his studly past" From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short StoryZack Love
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This was getting uglier by the minute, I thought. There really was no easy escape, since we were sitting far from the exit and the waiters knew me from prior dinner dates with Ashley and I hadn't paid the tab yet. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short StoryZack Love
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And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short StoryZack Love
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Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash." From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short StoryZack Love
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If I could do all of that on February 14th, it would be a personal best for me. Something to share with my crew for the glory and the laughs, or to cheer up the next buddy of mine to get dumped or cheated on. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short StoryZack Love
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New York City is legendary for sleeping around. There's hot tail everywhere and it's such a big city that two-timing and even three-timing is very doable, if you plan it right." From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever. (a Short Story)Zack Love
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Everything is going as planned until I notice that Ashley has barely touched her wine glass or food after ordering the priciest bottle and several of the most expensive dishes on the menu. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short StoryZack Love
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Please follow these instructions:1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly. 2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder. 3. Smack yourself over the head with it. 4. Repeat. You complete ass.Leah Thomas
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If I were married, I would be unmarried.Fakeer Ishavardas
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MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.KanyaACoffman
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Care to explain?” Ari asked.“ Didn’t you see my signals?”“ Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”“ It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”“ That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.“ That’s what I did.”“ No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”“ I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”- Janco and Ari bickering .Maria V. Snyder
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Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.Rucy Ban