56 Quotes About Dark Humor

Knowing humor is often the difference between feeling good and feeling bad. Humor relieves tension, alleviates stress, and allows us to see the lighter side of things that otherwise would prevent us from living the happy life we want. Sometimes you just need a little reminder that life can be funny. These dark humour quotes are here to help you laugh at yourself to get you back on track!

I envy people that know love. That have someone who...
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I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are. Jess C. Scott
What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside...
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What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside? Jess C. Scott
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One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies. “They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die. Jess C. Scott
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The Angel of Death is always a young person, or a group of young people, you'll begin seeing them left and right soon. Unknown
I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it...
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I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. Mark Twain
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[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST! And that thought just cracked me up.] It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. Sherman Alexie
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You know, Mac, ”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.” Machaon responded tersely. Sulari Gentill
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Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were. James S.A. Corey
While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature...
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While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy. E.a. Bucchianeri
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The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace. Hermann Hesse
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You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one. Jess C. Scott
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Rap un zeal' Demon within. I might as well put up a giant 'Come and Get Eaten' sign for the good those warning runes do. Sabrina Zbasnik
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Oh get over it Cecilia! You are no longer human. Such decorum doesn’t exist amongst our kind Eve Masters
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If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd. Shannon L. Alder
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When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day. Jay Wickre
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He comes. And he comesloadedwith noise pollution. If I ever prayed for anything, it was for a manto shut up. Casey Renee Kiser
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I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments. Nick Hornby
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I am glad to be led by light. Lailah Gifty Akita
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Beyond all of that, I could see the wall I had seen from inside the train, the wall that runs along the train line. I assumed that there, behind it, was the west, and I was right. I could have been wrong, but I was right.' If she had any future it was over there, and she needed to get to it. I sit in the chair exploring the meaning of dumbstruck, rolling the word around in my mind. I laugh with Miriam as she laughs at herself, and at the boldness of being sixteen. At sixteen you are invulnerable. I laugh with her about rummaging around for a ladder in other people's sheds, and I laugh harder when she finds one. We laugh at the improbability of it, of someone barely more than a child poking around in Beatrix Potter's garden by the Wall, watching out for Mr McGregor and his blunderbuss, and looking for a step-ladder to scale one of the most fortified barriers on earth. We both like the girl she was, and I like the woman she has become. She says suddenly, 'I still have the scars on my hands from climbing the barbed wire, but you can't see them so well now.' She holds out her hands. The soft parts of her palms are crazed with definite white scares, each about a centimeter long. The first fence was wire mesh with a roll of barbed wire along the top. Anna Funder
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Maybe tranquility is the dirt under my nails. I know it's there but I never feel like digging it out. Casey Renee Kiser
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Oh, precious losing streak, you're too cute for your own good. I try to laugh about itbut my face is made of wood. Casey Renee Kiser
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... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. E.a. Bucchianeri
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Maybe my dissertation really had been as brilliant as he claimed, the truth was I remember almost nothing about it; the intellectual leaps I made when I was young were a distant memory to me, and now I was surrounded by a kind of aura, when really my only goal in life was to do a little reading and get in bed at four in the afternoon with a carton of cigarettes and a bottle; and yet, at the same time, I had to admit, I was going to die if I kept that up — I was going to die fast, unhappy and alone. And did I really want to die fast, unhappy and alone? In the end, only kind of. Michel Houellebecq
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Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes. Ankita Singhal
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You are fifty different kinds of twisted."" Only fifty? Val, you wound me. Nenia Campbell
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Are we not all actors playing parts in another person's play? Shannon L. Alder
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There is sometimes a fine line between a cop and a criminal. What drives their personality may be the same, and they have simply chosen different roles and professions to call their own." Dr. ML Rapier PhD, Clinical Psychologist. M.L Rapier
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You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape — the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes — we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality. Terry Pratchett
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Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy. Nenia Campbell
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I can't get his bonesto go down the fucking drain. I try to stuff the tiny holes, too tiny for this pain. I can't get his bonesto break any way for my gain. Break them back a little too far, never too far for the sake of sane. Casey Renee Kiser
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Wolves eat dogs." That did seem to be the consensus of the village, Arkady thought. Roman shook his head as if he'd given the matter a lot of consideration. "Wolves hate dogs. Wolves hunt down dogs because they regard them as traitors. If you think about it, dogs are dogs only because of humans; otherwise they'd all be wolves, right? And where will we be when all the dogs are gone? It will be the end of civilization. Martin Cruz Smith
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Never a good sign, he thought, when the crows showed up. Justin Cronin
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It would be hilariously tragic if I avoided the rabids, avoided the sun, only to be fried to a crisp on a damn electric fence because I was too impatient. Julie Kagawa
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It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being. Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO. The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile. What a scamp. Jeff Lindsay
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AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?”“ I’m sorry, Sante. It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want Sofus playing with guns.” Conversation between George Hanson and SanteIn The Shadow of Sadd Steen Langstrup
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I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night. Nenia Campbell
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An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread. But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier. R.S. Vern
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There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine. Patrick Bateman
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This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. Erin Mitchell
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This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights) Erin Mitchell
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When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma. Sol Luckman
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The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors. Jonas Eriksson
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Alice is fictional. This isn't. Jess C. Scott
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Today’s generation didn’t want to watch ancient actors reciting the same tired lines. They wanted to see themselves reflected onscreen —rude, raw, entitled. These kids needed to believe that they themselves were only one daring, controversial act away from being up on that screen themselves. Melissa Jo Peltier
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You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't. Fakeer Ishavardas
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Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure Lemony Snicket
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I learned that it's okay to feel the way I do: that my life has no meaning unless I have a boyfriend. A real man is like the perfect vampire-boy and all the perfect guys in Twue Wuv. Jess C. Scott
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In the moments between bullets, those in foxholes regain their vision. They get to count the dead, feel for holes. Pain creeps through a sluice of calm. Chris DiCroce
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However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot. J.G. Ballard
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I glanced up at the trees too. Dead. Every one of them gray and white, needles rusted, leaves shriveled at the tips of branches. All the life sucked out of them. Not just the trees. All the plants, ferns, grasses and brush were shriveled, brown, barren. As if a month of winter had set down right here in my driveway and gone on a killing spree.." Love what you've done with the landscape, " Cody said. "You could open your own business, you know.".." The hell you talking about, Miller?" I asked Cody."Yard care. You're poison and weed whacker all in one. You can call it Death to All Shrubbery. . Devon Monk
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I love you all - if you are not people! Fakeer Ishavardas
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I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw. . Jeff Lindsay
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Heart condition? That’s rich. I guess you can call a heart not beating a condition.- P J Nessie Strange
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Things I Used to Get Hit For: Talking back. Being smart. Acting stupid. Not listening. Not answering the first time. Not doing what I’m told. Not doing it the second time I’m told. Running, jumping, yelling, laughing, falling down, skipping stairs, lying in the snow, rolling in the grass, playing in the dirt, walking in mud, not wiping my feet, not taking my shoes off. Sliding down the banister, acting like a wild Indian in the hallway. Making a mess and leaving it. Pissing my pants, just a little. Peeing the bed, hardly at all. Sleeping with a butter knife under my pillow. Shitting the bed because I was sick and it just ran out of me, but still my fault because I’m old enough to know better. Saying shit instead of crap or poop or number two. Not knowing better. Knowing something and doing it wrong anyway. Lying. Not confessing the truth even when I don’t know it. Telling white lies, even little ones, because fibbing isn’t fooling and not the least bit funny. Laughing at anything that’s not funny, especially cripples and retards. Covering up my white lies with more lies, black lies. Not coming the exact second I’m called. Getting out of bed too early, sometimes before the birds, and turning on the TV, which is one reason the picture tube died. Wearing out the cheap plastic hole on the channel selector by turning it so fast it sounds like a machine gun. Playing flip-and-catch with the TV’s volume button then losing it down the hole next to the radiator pipe. Vomiting. Gagging like I’m going to vomit. Saying puke instead of vomit. Throwing up anyplace but in the toilet or in a designated throw-up bucket. Using scissors on my hair. Cutting Kelly’s doll’s hair really short. Pinching Kelly. Punching Kelly even though she kicked me first. Tickling her too hard. Taking food without asking. Eating sugar from the sugar bowl. Not sharing. Not remembering to say please and thank you. Mumbling like an idiot. Using the emergency flashlight to read a comic book in bed because batteries don’t grow on trees. Splashing in puddles, even the puddles I don’t see until it’s too late. Giving my mother’s good rhinestone earrings to the teacher for Valentine’s Day. Splashing in the bathtub and getting the floor wet. Using the good towels. Leaving the good towels on the floor, though sometimes they fall all by themselves. Eating crackers in bed. Staining my shirt, tearing the knee in my pants, ruining my good clothes. Not changing into old clothes that don’t fit the minute I get home. Wasting food. Not eating everything on my plate. Hiding lumpy mashed potatoes and butternut squash and rubbery string beans or any food I don’t like under the vinyl seat cushions Mom bought for the wooden kitchen chairs. Leaving the butter dish out in summer and ruining the tablecloth. Making bubbles in my milk. Using a straw like a pee shooter. Throwing tooth picks at my sister. Wasting toothpicks and glue making junky little things that no one wants. School papers. Notes from the teacher. Report cards. Whispering in church. Sleeping in church. Notes from the assistant principal. Being late for anything. Walking out of Woolworth’s eating a candy bar I didn’t pay for. Riding my bike in the street. Leaving my bike out in the rain. Getting my bike stolen while visiting Grandpa Rudy at the hospital because I didn’t put a lock on it. Not washing my feet. Spitting. Getting a nosebleed in church. Embarrassing my mother in any way, anywhere, anytime, especially in public. Being a jerk. Acting shy. Being impolite. Forgetting what good manners are for. Being alive in all the wrong places with all the wrong people at all the wrong times. Bob Thurber
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I'm afraid it's not nonsense, " Genghis said, shaking his turbaned head and continuing his story. "As I was saying before the little girl interrupted me, the baby didn't dash off with the other orphans. She just sat there like a sack of flour. So I walked over to her and gave her a kick to get her moving."" Excellent idea! " Nero said. "What a wonderful story this is! And then what happened?"" Well, at first it seemed like I'd kicked a big hole in the baby, " Genghis said, his eyes shining, "which seemed lucky, because Sunny was a terrible athlete and it would have been a blessing to put her out of her misery." Nero clapped his hands. "I know just what you mean, Genghis, " he said. "She's a terrible secretary as well."" But she did all that stapling, " Mr. Remora protested. "Shut up and let the coach finish his story, " Nero said." But when I looked down, " Genghis continued, "I saw that I hadn't kicked a hole in a baby. I'd kicked a hole in a bag of flour! I'd been tricked! "" That's terrible! " Nero cried. . Lemony Snicket