1
Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.Bauvard
2
The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.Bauvard
3
The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.Bauvard
4
Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.Bauvard
5
Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.Bauvard
6
I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.Bauvard
7
I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.Bauvard
8
Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.Bauvard
9
Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?Bauvard
10
If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.Bauvard
11
The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.Bauvard
12
Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.Bauvard
13
When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.Bauvard
14
Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.Bauvard
15
I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.Bauvard
16
Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.Bauvard
17
I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.Bauvard
18
Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.Bauvard
19
If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.Bauvard
20
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.Bauvard
21
Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.Bauvard
22
Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.Bauvard
23
Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.Bauvard
24
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs — each section of a department store has its advantages.Bauvard
25
We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.Bauvard
26
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.Bauvard
27
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do, ’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.Bauvard
28
Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.Bauvard
29
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.Bauvard
30
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.Bauvard
31
Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.Bauvard
32
I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.Bauvard
33
Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.Bauvard
34
I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.Bauvard
35
I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.Bauvard
36
Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.Bauvard
37
If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.Bauvard
38
I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded — unless I read the book.Bauvard
39
Careers are not made in a family business, they are born — by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.Bauvard
40
Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.Bauvard
41
We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.Bauvard
42
Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.Bauvard
43
Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.Bauvard
44
Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.Bauvard
45
Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.Bauvard
46
There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.Bauvard
47
I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.Bauvard
48
To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.Bauvard
49
Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.Bauvard
50
First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.Bauvard