Quotes From "Nice Girls Dont Have Fangs" By Molly Harper

I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”“ I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere, ” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.“ Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham? . Molly Harper

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian." He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--" I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends. Molly Harper

You are the night."" I am the night, " I repeated." You are the night." I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?"" Jane! "" Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word? Molly Harper

If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing." See Dick, " Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny. Molly Harper

I fixed your car, " he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table. I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?"" I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way, " he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics." I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there."" I supervised, " he insisted. Molly Harper

And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen."" Maybe they'll get muddy, " Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy. Molly Harper

You want to stab me again, don't you?" He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities." I groaned. "I've created a monster."" I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster, '" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers. "It wasn't a grave, " I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster. Molly Harper

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I. Molly Harper

Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends."" You're a twisted little man."" Come on, Stretch, share with the class."" No! " I laughed." Prude."" Perv."" Schoolmarm."" Some other word that essentially means perv. Molly Harper

Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone."" If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks. Molly Harper

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?"" Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless. Molly Harper

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile. Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. "What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this? Too harsh? Molly Harper

I offered you a choice, and you took it." I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber? Molly Harper

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad." I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz! " He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad." Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog! " I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy. . Molly Harper

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you.""' Awkward' is the word du jour, " I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?"" Not quite nervous, " he said. "Just unsettled." I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better. Molly Harper

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?" Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--"" That's very comforting, thank you. Molly Harper

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading. Molly Harper

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl. Molly Harper

Jane: "Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our virginity together. He never called me again and actually turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction whenever he saw me on campus. Unless you're going to do that, I don't think were gonna have a problem. Gabriel?"Gabriel: "Sorry. Something strange happened inside my head when you said the word "panties". The overwhelming urge to kill Dave Chandler combined with a simultaneous loss of blood to the brain. Molly Harper

Jane: "Missy was not so subtly reminding me that she had done something nice for me and here i was being rude when all she was asking me to do was attend a nice party. This was the way southern women worked all peaches & cream laced with arsenic. Molly Harper

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people– Molly Harper

It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I'd rather not go into it. Molly Harper

Wal-mart started selling "Vampire Home Defense Kits", including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn't bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart. Molly Harper

Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingestblood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others forfinancial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt. Molly Harper

I am not the kind of girl who trusts a man to tell her everything she needs to know in his own due time, so I did some research on my sire. You can take the girl out of the library, but you can't take the neurotic, compulsively curious librarian out of the girl. Molly Harper

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my tender skin out of respect for a fellow bloodsucker. Molly Harper

Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingest blood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others for financial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt. Molly Harper

Welcome to the fascinating world of the undead! Please use this guidebook as ahandy reference as you make your first steps toward eternity. Inside you will findinformation on vampire nutrition, relationships, and safety. But before learningabout your future, a word about our past…– From The Guide for the Newly Undead Molly Harper

Aunt Jettie: "yes, i'm wandering the earth seeking revenge on ben & jerry for giving me the fat a$$ and coronary & I give out love advice to the tragically lonely."jane: "Is that an ironic eternal punishment for the lady who died an eighty-one year old spinster." jettie: "single by choice you twirp."jane: "banshee."jettie: "bloodsucker. Molly Harper

Up until two years ago, I was one of the top-selling real estate agents in the tricounty area. I went to a convention in Boca Raton. I had one too many margaritas, met a tall, pale, and handsome man in the bar, and woke up a vampire."" I was mistaken for a deer and got shot, " I offered."" Oh. Molly Harper