Quotes From "How To Be A Woman" By Caitlin Moran

But as the years went on, I realised that what...
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But as the years went on, I realised that what I really want to be, all told, is a human. Just a productive, honest, courteously treated human. Caitlin Moran
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But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'I understand. So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.a) Do you have a vagina? andb) Do you want to be in charge of it? If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist. Caitlin Moran
It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made...
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It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly. Caitlin Moran
Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented,...
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Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws. Caitlin Moran
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But nearly every woman I know has a roughly similar story - in fact, dozens of them: stories about being obsessed with a celebrity, work colleague or someone they vaguely knew for years; living in a parallel world in their head; conjuring up endless plots and scenarios for this thing that never actually happened. Caitlin Moran
You stop talking about things when you’ve worked them out....
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You stop talking about things when you’ve worked them out. You’re no longer an observer but a participant. You’re too busy for this bullshit. Caitlin Moran
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But I am, personally, not a gambler. I wouldn’t spend £1 on the lottery, let alone take a punt on a pregnancy. The stakes are far, far too high. I can’t agree with a society that would force me to bet on how much I could love under duress. Caitlin Moran
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We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY? . Caitlin Moran
I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal...
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I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal Bullshit. Caitlin Moran
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Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals — and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over your biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on — and don’t blame other women for doing it. . Caitlin Moran
When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear! ’,...
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When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear! ’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing here for who I’m supposed to be today. Caitlin Moran
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These days, however, I am much calmer - since I realised that it’s technically impossible for a woman to argue against feminism. Without feminism, you wouldn’t be allowed to have a debate on women’s place in society. You’d be too busy giving birth on the kitchen floor - biting down on a wooden spoon, so as not to disturb the men’s card game - before going back to quick-liming the dunny. This is why those female columnists in the Daily Mail - giving daily wail against feminism - amuse me. They paid you £1, 600 for that, dear, I think. And I bet it’s going in your bank account, and not your husband’s. The more women argue loudly, against feminism, the more they both prove it exists and that they enjoy its hard-won privileges. . Caitlin Moran
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When the subject turns to abortion, cosmetic intervention, birth, motherhood, sex, love, work, misogyny, fear, or just how you feel in your own skin, women still won’t often tell the truth to each other unless they are very, very drunk. Perhaps the endlessly reported rise in female binge-drinking is simply modern women’s attempt to communicate with each other. Or maybe it is because Sancerre is so very delicious. To be honest, I’ll take bets on either. . Caitlin Moran
And the question is always
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And the question is always "When are you going to have kids?" Rather than "Do you want to have kids? Caitlin Moran
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Becoming a woman felt a bit like becoming famous. For, from being benevolently generally ignored — the base-line existence of most children — a teenage girl is suddenly fascinating to others, and gets bombarded with questions: What size are you? Have you done it yet? Will you have sex with me? Have you got ID? Do you want to try a puff of this? Are you seeing anyone? Have you got protection? What’s your signature style? Can you walk in heels? Who are your heroes? Are you getting a Brazilian? What porn do you like? Do you want to get married? When are you going to have kids? Are you a feminist? Were you just flirting with that man? What do you want to do? WHO ARE YOU?All ridiculous questions to ask of a 13-year-old simply because she now needs a bra. They might as well have been asking my dog. I had absolutely no idea. . Caitlin Moran
... motherhood is a game you must enter with as...
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... motherhood is a game you must enter with as much energy, willingness, and happiness as possible. Caitlin Moran
It makes you love vividly, work intensely, and realize that,...
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It makes you love vividly, work intensely, and realize that, in the scheme of things, you really don't have time to sit on the sofa in your undies watching Homes Under the Hammer. Caitlin Moran
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The problem with battling yourself is that even if you win, you lose. Caitlin Moran
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Because this injunction for all women to have children isn't in any way logical. If you take a moment to consider the state of the world, the thing you notice is that there are plenty of babies being born; the planet really doesn't need all of us to produce more babies. Caitlin Moran
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But deciding not to have children is a very, very hard decision for a woman to make: the atmosphere is worryingly inconducive to saying, "I choose not to, " or "it all sounds a bit vile, tbh." We call these women "selfish" The inference of the word "childless" is negative: one of lack, and loss. We think of nonmothers as rangy lone wolves--rattling around, as dangerous as teenage boys or men. We make women feel that their narrative has ground to a halt in their thirities if they don't "finish things" properly and have children. Caitlin Moran
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However, what I do believe to genuinely sacred - and, indeed, more useful to the earth as a whole - is trying to ensure that there are as few unbalanced, destructive people as possible. By whatever rationale you use, ending a pregnancy 12 weeks into gestation is incalculably more moral than bringing an unwanted child into this world. It's those unhappy, unwanted children, who then grew into angry adults, who have caused the great majority of humankind's miseries. They are the ones who make states feel feral; streets dangerous; relationships violent. . Caitlin Moran
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Every woman who chooses - joyfully, thoughtfully, calmly, of their own free will and desire - not to have a child does womankind a massive favour in the long term. We need more women who are allowed to prove their worth as people; rather than being assessed merely for their potential to create new people. After all, half those new people we go on to create are also women - presumably themselves to be judged, in their futures, for not making new people. And so it will go on and on.. . Caitlin Moran
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You can tell whether some misogynistic societal pressure is being exerted on women by calmly enquiring, ‘And are the men doing this, as well?’ If they aren’t, chances are you’re dealing with what we strident feminists refer to as ‘some total fucking bullshit’. Caitlin Moran
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For throughout history, you can read the stories of women who - against all the odds - got being a woman right, but ended up being compromised, unhappy, hobbled or ruined, because all around them, society was still wrong. Show a girl a pioneering hero - Sylvia Plath, Dorothy Parker, Frida Kahlo, Cleopatra, Boudicca, Joan of Arc - and you also, more often than not, show a girl a woman who was eventually crushed. Caitlin Moran
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What is feminism? Simply the belief that women should be as free as men, however nuts, dim, deluded, badly dressed, fat, receding, lazy and smug they might be. Are you a feminist? Hahaha. Of course you are. Caitlin Moran
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Because the purpose of feminism isn’t to make a particular type of woman. The idea that there are inherently wrong and inherently right “types” of women is what’s screwed feminism for so longâ€â€°–â€â€°this belief that “we” wouldn’t accept slaggy birds, dim birds, birds that bitch, birds that hire cleaners, birds that stay at home with their kids, birds that have pink Mini Metros with POWERED BY FAIRY DUST! bumper stickers, birds in burkas or birds that like to pretend, in their heads, that they’re married to Zach Braff from Scrubs and that you sometimes have sex in an ambulance while the rest of the cast watch and, latterly, clap. You know what? Feminism will have all of you. What is feminism? Simply the belief that women should be as free as men, however nuts, dim, deluded, badly dressed, fat, receding, lazy and smug they might be. Are you a feminist? Hahaha. Of course you are. Caitlin Moran
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Batman doesn’t want a baby in order to feel he’s ‘done everything’. He’s just saved Gotham again! If this means that Batman must be a feminist role model above, say, Nicola Horlick, then so be it. Caitlin Moran
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It was the 'Are the boys doing it?' basis on which I finally decided I was against women wearing burkas. Yes, the idea is that it protects your modesty, and ensures that people regard you as a human being, rather than just a sexual object (..) But who are you being protected from? Men. And who - so long as you play by the rules, and wear the correct clothes - is protecting you from the men? Men. And who is it that is regarding you as a sexual object, instead of another human being, in the first place? Men. Well. This all seems like quite a man-based problem, really. (..) I don't know why we're suddenly having to put things on our heads to make it better. . Caitlin Moran
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In fact, in recent years I have become more and more didactic about pubic hair - to the point where I now believe that there are only four things a grown, modern woman should have: a pair of yellow shoes (they unexpectedly go with everything), a friend who will come and post bail at 4 a.m., a fail-safe pie recipe, and a proper muff. A big, hairy minge. A lovely furry moof that looks - when she sits, naked - as if she has a marmoset sitting in her lap. A tame marmoset, that she can send of to pickpocket things, should she so need it - like that trained monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark. . Caitlin Moran
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When a woman walks into a room, her outfit is the first thing she says, before she even opens her mouth. Women are judged on what they wear in a way men would find incomprehensible. Caitlin Moran
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The reason they don't ask me when they're having kids, of course, is because men can, pretty much, carry on a normal life once they've had a baby. Caitlin Moran
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Strip clubs let everyone down. Men and women approach their very worst here. Caitlin Moran
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There's no self-expression or joy in these joints-- no springboard to self-discovery, or adventure, like any decent night out involving men, women, alcohol, and taking your clothes off. Why do many people have a gut reaction to strip clubs? Because inside them, no one is having fun. Caitlin Moran
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In that instance, my body had decided that this baby was not to be and had ended it. This time, it is my mind that has decided that this baby was not to be. I don't believe one's decision is more valid than the other. They both know me. They are both equally capable of deciding what is right. Caitlin Moran
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We're supposed to speak from the heart in what we wear. We have to find capsule wardrobes. Caitlin Moran
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Women wear heels because they think they make their legs look thinner. Caitlin Moran
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Not one had ever passed judgement on my cheap handbag to my face. But then, this is a reserved country. Caitlin Moran
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The actual handbag is neither here nor there-- it's what you keep in it that's the most important thing. Caitlin Moran
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Between 60 and 80 percent of strippers come from a background of sexual abuse. Caitlin Moran
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Within living memory of this country, men could rape their wives: women were not seen as a separate sexual entity, with the right of refusal. Caitlin Moran
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Amnesty International Survey found that 25 percent of people believe a woman is to blame for being raped if she dresses "provocatively. Caitlin Moran
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For a woman, every outfit is a hopeful spell, cast to influence the outcome of the day. An act of trying to predict your fate, like looking at your horoscope. Caitlin Moran
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Life is really the only place you can learn the most important lessons about how to get dressed and to be happy. Caitlin Moran
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Women are always being asked when they're going to have children. It's a question they're asking even more often. Caitlin Moran
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These hormones do not make me feel feminine: every night, I lie in bed feeling wrenched, and the bulge of my sanitary napkin in my kickers looks like a cock. Caitlin Moran
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But when women are asked when they're going to have children, there is, in actually, another darker, more pertinent question lying underneath it. Caitlin Moran
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Men and women alike have convinced themselves of a dragging belief: that somehow women are incomplete without having children. Caitlin Moran
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If you take a moment to consider the state of the world, the thing you notice is that there are plenty of babies being born; the planet doesn't really need all of us to produce more babies. Caitlin Moran
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First world babies are eating this planet like termites. Caitlin Moran
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In the 21st century, it can't be about who we might make, and what they might do, anymore. It has to be about who we are and what we're going to do. Caitlin Moran