Quotes From "Good Omens: The Nice And Accurate Prophecies Of Agnes Nutter Witch" By Terry Pratchett

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people. Neil Gaiman
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three...
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Terry Pratchett
Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it. Terry Pratchett
25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again. Neil Gaiman
You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'' R...
You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'' R E V E L A T I O N S. CHAPTER SIX. Neil Gaiman
He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did was put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of Crowley. In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt or browning, or just didn't look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants. "Say goodbye to your friend, " he'd say to them. "He just couldn't cut it. . " Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large, empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat. The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified. Neil Gaiman
I mean, d'you know what eternity is? There's this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there's this little bird-"" What little bird?" said Aziraphale suspiciously." This little bird I'm talking about. And every thousand years-"" The same bird every thousand years?" Crowley hesitated. "Yeah, " he said." Bloody ancient bird, then."" Okay. And every thousand years this bird flies-""-limps-""-flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak-"" Hold on. You can't do that. Between here and the end of the universe there's loads of-" The angel waved a hand expansively, if a little unsteadily. "Loads of buggerall, dear boy."" But it gets there anyway, " Crowley persevered." How?"" It doesn't matter! "" It could use a space ship, " said the angel. Crowley subsided a bit. "Yeah, " he said. "If you like. Anyway, this bird-"" Only it is the end of the universe we're talking about, " said Aziraphale. "So it'd have to be one of those space ships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. You have to tell your descendants, you say, When you get to the Mountain, you've got to-" He hesitated. "What havethey got to do?"" Sharpen its beak on the mountain, " said Crowley. "And then it flies back-""-in the space ship-"" And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again, " said Crowley quickly. There was a moment of drunken silence." Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak, " mused Aziraphale."Listen, " said Crowley urgently, "the point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then-" Aziraphale opened his mouth. Crowley just knew he was going to make some point about the relative hardness of birds' beaks and granite mountains, and plunged on quickly."-then you still won't have finished watching The Sound of Music."Aziraphale froze." And you'll enjoy it, " Crowley said relentlessly. "You really will."" My dear boy-"" You won't have a choice."" Listen-"" Heaven has no taste."" Now-"" And not one single sushi restaurant." A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face. Neil Gaiman
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them. Neil Gaiman
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has...
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers. Neil Gaiman
He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it. Neil Gaiman
Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: 'Learn, guys.. Neil Gaiman
There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, "He's an old soppy really, just poke him if he's a nuisance, " and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker. Neil Gaiman
God does not play games with His loyal servants", said the Metatron, but in a worried tone of voice." Whoopee", said Crowley. Terry Pratchett
America was, to them, the place that good people went...
America was, to them, the place that good people went to when they died. They were prepared to believe just about anything could happen in America. Neil Gaiman
It was then that Marvin got religion. Not the quiet, personal kind, that involves doing good deeds and living a better life; not even the kind that involves putting on a suit and ringing' people's doorbells; but the kind that involves having your own TV network and getting people to send you money. Terry Pratchett
He wondered reflectively what would happen if you asked a...
He wondered reflectively what would happen if you asked a nun where the Gents was. Probably the Pope sent you a sharp note or something. Neil Gaiman
The future came and went in the mildly discouraging way...
The future came and went in the mildly discouraging way that futures do. Neil Gaiman
But the purpose of the book is not the horror,...
But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat. Terry Pratchett
I don't see what's so triffic about creating people as people and then gettin' upset cos' they act like people", said Adam severely. "Anyway, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive. Terry Pratchett