Quotes From "Bossypants" By Tina Fey

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years. Tina Fey

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one. Tina Fey

Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: "Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that." Some photographers are compulsively effusive. "Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous! " they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It's hard to take because it's more positive feedback than you've received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, "Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You're breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You're going very fast, yes! . Tina Fey

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers. Tina Fey

My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation, ” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood. Tina Fey

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it. Tina Fey

Ever since I became an executive producer of 30 Rock, people have asked me, 'Is it hard for you, being the boss?' And, 'Is it uncomfortable for you to be the person in charge?' You know, in that same way they say, 'Gosh, Mr. Trump, is it awkward for you to be the boss of all these people? Tina Fey

In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way. Tina Fey

Don't hire anyone you wouldn't want to run into in the hallway at three in the morning. Tina Fey

My dad looks like Clint Eastwood. His half- Scottish, half- German face in repose is handsome but terrifying. I searched the audience for him during the sixth-grade chorus concert and, seeing his stern expression, was convinced that he had seen me messing up the words to the Happy Days theme and that I was in big trouble. I spent the rest of the concert suppressing terror bumps, only to be given a big hug and a kiss afterward. It took me years to realize, Oh, that's just his face. Tina Fey

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren't funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups. Tina Fey

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers! Tina Fey

My unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do? If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you. If the answer is yes, you have a more difficult road ahead of you. I suggest you model your strategy after the old Sesame Street film piece, "Over! Under! Through! ” (If you’re under forty, you might not remember this film. It taught the concepts of, “over, ” and “under, ” and “through” by filming toddlers crawling around an abandoned construction site. They don’t show it anymore because someone has since realized that’s nuts.) If your boss is a jerk, try to find someone above or around your boss who is not a jerk. If you’re lucky, your workplace will have a neutral proving ground- like the rifle range or a car sales total board of the SNL read-through. If so, focus on that. Again, don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions. Go “Over! Under! Through! ” and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing and don’t care if they like it. Tina Fey

My unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do? If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you. If the answer is yes, you have a more difficult road ahead of you. I suggest you model your strategy after the old Sesame Street film piece, "Over! Under! Through! ” (If you’re under forty, you might not remember this film. It taught the concepts of, “over, ” and “under, ” and “through” by filming toddlers crawling around an abandoned construction site. They don’t show it anymore because someone has since realized that’s nuts.) If your boss is a jerk, try to find someone above or around your boss who is not a jerk. If you’re lucky, your workplace will have a neutral proving ground- like the rifle range or a car sales total board or the SNL read-through. If so, focus on that. Again, don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions. Go “Over! Under! Through! ” and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing and don’t care if they like it. Tina Fey

In 1995, each cast at The Second City was made up of four men and two women. When it was suggested that they switch one of the companies to three men and three women, the producers and directors had the same panicked reaction. 'You can't do that. There won't be enough parts to go around. There won't be enough for the girls.' This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury. We weren't doing _Death of a Salesman._ _We were making up the show ourselves. How could there not be enough parts?_ If everyone had something to contribute, there would be enough. The insulting implication, of course, was that the women wouldn't have any ideas. Tina Fey

We spent days and weeks doing nothing, calling one another ten times a day to schedule our nothing-doing. Tina Fey

What is he rudest question you can ask a woman? 'How old are you?' 'What do you weigh?' No, the worst question is 'How do you juggle it all?' people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. 'You're fucking it all up, aren't you?' their eyes say. My standard answer is that I have the same struggles as any working parent but with the good fortune of working my dream job. Tina Fey

Was it too much to expect the rest of the world to care about grammar or pay attention to details? Tina Fey

I have one top-notch baby with whom I am in love. It's a head-over-heels "first love" kind of thing, because I pay for everything and all we do is hold hands. Tina Fey

Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. It’s scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around. Tina Fey

Someone should do a study of the human brain and how quickly it can adjust to luxury. Tina Fey

(My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.) Tina Fey

My first job as assistant director was to make sure he didn't cast the talented blond dancer who had so easily stolen my boyfriend the summer before. I accomplished this with the persistent and skilled manipulation of a grade A bitch. Tina Fey

In improv there are no mistakes, only beautiful happy accidents. And many of the world’s greatest discoveries have been by accident. Tina Fey

This worked out perfectly for me in college, because what nineteen-year-old Virginia boy doesn't want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that's permed on top? What's that you say? None of them want that? You are correct. Tina Fey

Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity Tina Fey

I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, "Nice tits." Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, "Suck my dick. Tina Fey

So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules. Tina Fey

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun, ' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me, ' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun! ' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard! ' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun. . Tina Fey

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here, ' and you just say, 'Yeah..' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here, ' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here, ' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here, ' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth, ' now we're getting somewhere. Tina Fey

That night's show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience "didn't want to see a sketch with two women" can go shit in his hat. Tina Fey

And when she [her daughter] one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. Tina Fey

This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while you're holding a pile of fingernail clipping like a Santeria priestess. Tina Fey

You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it. Tina Fey

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole. Tina Fey

(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.) Tina Fey

5) The Eyes Are the Windows to Where the Soul Is Supposed to Be Tina Fey

It's a great lesson about not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go. You can't be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it... You have to let people see what you wrote. Tina Fey

It is a testament to my parents that they never reacted negatively to the four-year-long pride parade that marched through their house. Tina Fey

One family, two impressively gay brothers. Tina Fey

Because, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me. I was funny and so mean and mature for my age! Tina Fey

I find, the fancier the fashion magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It’s as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can’t stop erasing human features. Tina Fey

A wise friend once told me, 'Don't wear what fashion designers tell you to wear. Wear what _they_ wear.' His point being that most designers, no matter what they throw onto the runway, favor simple, flattering pieces for themselves. Tina Fey

(Don Fey had a large rubber stamp that said "bullshit, " which was and is awesome.) Tina Fey

Your father doesn't fucking play games. you would never come home with a shamrock tattoo in that house. Tina Fey