Quotes From "Before I Die" By Jenny Downham

I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger. Whenever I wanted, I could get him out and he'd look at me the way boys do in films, as if I'm beautiful. Jenny Downham

It's really going to happen. I really won't ever go back to school. Not ever. I'll never be famous or leave anything worthwhile behind. I'll never go to college or have a job. I won't see my brother grow up. I won't travel, never earn money, never drive, never fall in love or leave home or get my own house. It's really, really true. A thought stabs up, growing from my toes and ripping through me, until it stifles everything else and becomes the only thing I'm thinking. It fills me up like a silent scream. . Jenny Downham

But all that is warm will go cold. My ears will fall off and my eyes will melt. My mouth will be clamped shut. My lips will turn to glue.... No taste or smell or touch or sound. Nothing to look at. Total emptiness for ever. Jenny Downham

It's as if a child with a brush and too much enthusiasm has been set free with a tin of black paint inside me. Jenny Downham

I lean back on the pillows and look at the corners of the room. When I was a kid, I always wanted to live on the ceiling - it looked so clean and uncluttered, like the top of a cake. Jenny Downham

I sit up in bed and watch her fiddle about in the back of my wardrobe. I think she's got a plan. That's what's good about Zoey. She'd better hurry up though, because I'm starting to think of things like carrots. And air. And ducks. And pear trees. Velvet and silk. Lakes. I'm going to miss ice. And the sofa. And the lounge. And the way Cal loves magic tricks. And white things- milk, snow, swans. Jenny Downham

I don't give a shit, Dad! ""Well I do! I absolutely give a shit! This will completely exhaust you."" It's my body. I can do what I like! "" So you don't care about your body now?"" No, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of doctors and needles and blood tests and transfusions. I'm sick of being stuck in a bed day after day while the rest of you get on with your lives. I hate it! I hate all of you! Adam's gone for a university interview, did you know that? He's going to be here for years doing whatever he likes and I'm going to be under the ground in a couple of weeks!. Jenny Downham

Death straps me to the hospital bed, claws its way onto my chest and sits there. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know that everything good that's ever happened in my life would be emptied out by it. Jenny Downham

You want some sweet and lovely things, Tessa, but be careful. Other people can't always give you what you want. Jenny Downham

It comes and goes. People think if you're sick you become fearless and brave, but you don't. Most of the time it's like being stalked by a psycho, like I might get shot any second. But sometimes I forget for hours.'' What makes you forget?'' People. Doing stuff. When I was with you in the wood, I forgot for a whole afternoon. Jenny Downham

Moments. All gathering towards this one. Jenny Downham

We make patterns, we share moments. Jenny Downham

He says, 'Anything could be happening down there, but up here you just wouldn't know it.' I know what he means. It could be pandemonium in all those little houses, everyone's dreams in a mess. But up here feels peaceful. Clean. Jenny Downham