1
The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hardJosh Stern
2
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organsJosh Stern
3
If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insaneJosh Stern
4
Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveableJosh Stern
5
In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?Josh Stern
6
Manners without sincerity, is called polite societyJosh Stern
7
Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativityJosh Stern
8
Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rackJosh Stern
9
If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?Josh Stern
10
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhalingJosh Stern
11
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongwayJosh Stern
12
Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomyJosh Stern
13
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpetJosh Stern
14
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes whatJosh Stern
15
If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverseJosh Stern
16
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliffJosh Stern
17
Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessertJosh Stern
18
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with itJosh Stern
19
Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidityJosh Stern
20
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-friedJosh Stern
21
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouthJosh Stern
22
Only the good die young, the bad petite-mortJosh Stern
23
Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouetteJosh Stern
24
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part ofJosh Stern
25
I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking onJosh Stern
26
Positivity is the father of reinventionJosh Stern
27
If positivity is not your mindset, then resetJosh Stern
28
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is upJosh Stern
29
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are workingJosh Stern
30
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accidentJosh Stern
31
I like gross generalizations... I also like disgusting specifics!Josh Stern
32
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a cornerJosh Stern
33
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud seasonJosh Stern
34
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both endsJosh Stern
35
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking showsJosh Stern
36
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrheaJosh Stern
37
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty winJosh Stern
38
When people try to rain on your parade,. ..pee on theirsJosh Stern
39
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't orderJosh Stern
40
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them firstJosh Stern
41
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's forJosh Stern
42
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running lateJosh Stern
43
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometersJosh Stern