He doesn't know this now, but in the years to come he will, again and again, test Harold's claims of devotion, will throw himself against his promises to see how steadfast they are. He won't even be conscious that he's doing this. But he will do it anyway, because part of him will never believe Harold and Julia; as much as he wants to, as much as he thinks he does, he won't, and he will always be convinced that they will eventually tire of him, that they will one day regret their involvement with him. And so he will challenge them, because when their relationship inevitably ends, he will be able to look back and know for certain that he caused it, and not only that, but the specific incident that caused it, and he will never have to wonder, or worry, about what he did wrong, or what he could have done better. But that is in the future. For now, his happiness is flawless. Hanya Yanagihara
About This Quote

Harold is a control freak. He's the kind of guy who has everything in its place and is always worrying about everything he has to do, whether it's his job or his love life. He's very fixated on the idea that there are rules to follow, that there are things that he can't do or shouldn't do if he wants to keep his family together. But Harold doesn't realize this because he has not tested his devotion to Julia.

It isn't until later in the book when Harold suspects that Julia will leave him for good, that he realizes there are some rules he cannot break. The test of Harold's devotion came after Julia had broken off their relationship. Harold's fear of losing Julia made him believe that her leaving was impossible and that she would never leave him if he just stayed strong and refused to give up on her.

Source: A Little Life

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