18 Quotes & Sayings By Yahtzee Croshaw

Well we've left behind the 200X's, and we move onto the 20XX's. Maybe that will finally make us feel like we're living in the future, rather than a media controlled slave state where an i Phone is worth substantially more than a human life. Happy new year. Yahtzee Croshaw

Drelmere and sons, fine outfitters for the discerning magician! ” he was shouting, his voice barely carrying over the hubbub. “Robes! Pointy hats! Beard grooming supplies! Yes, you sir, how can OH GOD HURRAAARRGLAB.”I waited patiently for him to finish decorating the pavement with his stomach contents. “Sorry, ” he said, bent double and gulping. Impressively, he immediately continued his sales pitch from that position. “Looking for a new robe?”“ Yes, this one’s starting to whiff a bit.”“ Yes, I . gathered that, sir.” He took a few deep, groaning breaths into a star-patterned hanky and seemed to gather himself.“ What sort of price range were you OH GOD YOUR EYES HURRAAARRGLAB.”I tapped my now bile-sodden foot. “Shall I come back later? . Yahtzee Croshaw

State your HURRAAARRGLAB, ” went the monarch.“ Mr. Wonderful, ” said the advisor, daintily wiping the king’s mouth with a hanky. “What do we keep telling you about your interrogation methods? The information’s never reliable and it really hurts our image.”“ It’s all right, ” I sighed. “This is my actual face. Yahtzee Croshaw

Originally it had had two settings: Stun and Kill. These had proved inadequate against the ridiculously well-armored skin of monsters from particularly rough planets, so I'd found a way to tinker with the built-in limitations. The dial now had a third setting, labeled with the handwritten words 'Solve All Immediate Problems. Yahtzee Croshaw

I realized that the job of a hero is not to save the galaxy, or rescue princesses, or slay all the dragons. That may be part of it, but in the end, a hero only has one job, and that’s to make himself unnecessary. Yahtzee Croshaw

My non American viewers. Who understand that the world does not consist solely of a single nation sailing across an infinite sea of migrant workers. Will no doubt have heard that the waters surrounding Brisbane got tired of waiting for people to hit the beach and decided to bring the party to us. Yahtzee Croshaw

It's difficult to root for America when the villains of the story live in a ditch and are armed with jagged rocks. At some point in recent years they looked up from their international heroism to realize they'd alienated the entire world. Yahtzee Croshaw

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists. Yahtzee Croshaw

I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time. Yahtzee Croshaw

It could have been a thief or a murderer. I considered crying out. A thief would run away, but a murderer would murder me. On the other hand, the murderer would probably murder me if I didn't too. That was his whole thing. Yahtzee Croshaw

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be. Yahtzee Croshaw

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits. Yahtzee Croshaw

Oh, traccy traccy ply ply bracket doints and divs Yahtzee Croshaw

Maybe she's preemptively getting her karmic backlash for that, but there's something icky about all this. Yes, the "hello, boys" chest like two friendly chinchillas, Bigfoot ball stomper Lara Croft was oversexualized, but this is still sexualization from the opposite, somehow even creepier side of the coin. At least that Tyrannosaurus in the first game never tried to feel her up. Yahtzee Croshaw