131 Quotes & Sayings By Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. Woody Allen

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser! Woody Allen

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know... I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. Woody Allen

My brain? That's my second favorite organ. Woody Allen

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine. Woody Allen

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.' And he said, ' Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl! ' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing! 'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl! ' And he said, 'We have to work this through.' So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was.. Woody Allen

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope. Woody Allen

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. Woody Allen

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics. Woody Allen

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph. Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping. Woody Allen

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Woody Allen

The most expensive sex is free sex Woody Allen

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life Woody Allen

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit. Woody Allen

Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's. Woody Allen

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. Woody Allen

One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, at the time, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. But then I thought, no, you know, maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.[ The gun fires accidentally, shattering a mirror] All of a sudden, the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. And suddenly neighbors were, were pounding on the door, and, and I don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium. And, uh, you know, I-I-I ran to the door, I-I didn't know what to say. You know, I was- I was embarrassed and confused and my-my-my mind was r-r-racing a mile a minute. And I-I just knew one thing. I- I- I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and-and clear my head. And I remember very clearly, I walked the streets. I walked and I walked. I-I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and un-unreal to me. And I wandered for a long time on the Upper West Side, you know, and-and it must have been hours. You know, my-my feet hurt, my head was-was pounding, and-and I had to sit down. I went into a movie house. I-I didn't know what was playing or anything. I just, I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and, and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and, you know, the movie was a-a-a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and-and I always, uh, loved it. And, you know, I'm-I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film, you know. And I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself. I mean isn't it so stupid? I mean, l-look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they're real funny, and-and what if the worst is true. What if there's no God, and you only go around once and that's it. Well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's-it's not all a drag. And I'm thinkin' to myself, geez, I should stop ruining my life - searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know, I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself. Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought, ] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another? Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist–when the universe runs its course and the lights go out. Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life. Woody Allen

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF. Woody Allen

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college, Woody Allen

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices... Woody Allen

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be. Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen

Bullshit french post-war rationalizing Woody Allen

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down. Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words. Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred. Woody Allen

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her. Woody Allen

I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers. Woody Allen

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him. Woody Allen

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. Woody Allen

Showing up is eighty percent of life. Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

If you're not failing you're not trying anything. Woody Allen

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald. Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have. Woody Allen

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans. Woody Allen

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans. Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

Ninety percent of living is just showing up. Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television. Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen

Showing up is 80 percent of life. Woody Allen

If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something. Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes. Woody Allen

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables. Woody Allen

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check. Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right. Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. Woody Allen