200+ Quotes & Sayings By Terry Pratchett

Sir Terence David John Pratchett, OBE (30 April 1948 – 12 March 2015) was an English author of fantasy novels, especially comical works. He is best known for the "Discworld" series of 41 novels, of which 'The Colour of Magic' and 'The Light Fantastic' were voted among the top 100 books by the Literary Review. Author: Wendelin Van Draanen

And what would humans be without love?
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And what would humans be without love?" R A R E, said Death. Terry Pratchett
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes...
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It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life. Terry Pratchett
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel...
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If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember. Terry Pratchett
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Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. Terry Pratchett
I meant,
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I meant, " said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. C A T S, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE. Terry Pratchett
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The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues. Terry Pratchett
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There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been pinching my beer? And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barman's eye. Terry Pratchett
If there was anything that depressed him more than his...
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If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life. Terry Pratchett
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in...
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This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic. Terry Pratchett
YOU FEAR TO DIE?
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YOU FEAR TO DIE?"It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break... Terry Pratchett
Perhaps it would be simpler if you just did what...
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Perhaps it would be simpler if you just did what you're told and didn't try to understand things. Terry Pratchett
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
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Progress just means bad things happen faster. Terry Pratchett
I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.
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I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. Terry Pratchett
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is...
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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a...
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Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett
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Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry. Terry Pratchett
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
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Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one. Terry Pratchett
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
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Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you. Terry Pratchett
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
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In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. Terry Pratchett
DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK...
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DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH. Terry Pratchett
Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
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Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. Terry Pratchett
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!...
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No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know! " the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"" What?"" Oh, you'd like something simpler? Terry Pratchett
It would seem that you have no useful skill or...
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It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever, " he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching? Terry Pratchett
He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end...
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He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower. Terry Pratchett
Death:
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Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them. Terry Pratchett
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three...
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Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Terry Pratchett
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to...
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The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. Terry Pratchett
HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT...
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HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death) Terry Pratchett
We who think we are about to die will laugh...
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We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything. Terry Pratchett
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what...
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...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. Terry Pratchett
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less...
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Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual. Terry Pratchett
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to...
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Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane? Terry Pratchett
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Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it. Terry Pratchett
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This book was written using 100% recycled words. Terry Pratchett
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to...
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The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. Terry Pratchett
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature....
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In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book. Terry Pratchett
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by...
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Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self. Terry Pratchett
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of...
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Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. Terry Pratchett
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My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat. Terry Pratchett
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred...
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Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother. Terry Pratchett
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The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind. Terry Pratchett
Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton...
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Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them Terry Pratchett
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for...
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett
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And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done..which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions. Terry Pratchett
I get it, ' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad...
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I get it, ' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?' If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth? Terry Pratchett
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know...
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The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions? Terry Pratchett
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find...
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What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting, ' said a voice in his head. Terry Pratchett
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no...
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This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs. Terry Pratchett
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just...
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Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four. Terry Pratchett
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You can't give her that! ' she screamed. 'It's not safe! ' I T' S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child! ' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?' T H A T WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON. Terry Pratchett
The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but...
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The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish. Terry Pratchett
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How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’ Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me, ’ said Maladict patiently. Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it, ’ said the sergeant. No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir. Terry Pratchett
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like...
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It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive. Terry Pratchett
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Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them. Terry Pratchett
Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.
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Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar. Terry Pratchett
Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously...
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Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life. Terry Pratchett
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was...
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Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen. Terry Pratchett
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it...
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The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort. Terry Pratchett
Bursar?
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Bursar?""Yes, Archchancellor?""You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"" Me? No, Archchancellor.""Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head. Terry Pratchett
I commend my soul to any god that can find...
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I commend my soul to any god that can find it. Terry Pratchett
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An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door? Terry Pratchett
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I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of. Terry Pratchett
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We are here and it is now. The way I see it is, after that, everything tends towards guesswork. Terry Pratchett
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But is all this true?" said Brutha.Didactylos shrugged. "Could be. Could be. We are here and it is now. The way I see it is, after that, everything tends towards guesswork."" You mean you don't KNOW it's true?" said Brutha."I THINK it might be, " said Didactylos. "I could be wrong. Not being certain is what being a philosopher is all about. Terry Pratchett
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The universe danced towards life. Life was a remarkably common commodity. Anything sufficiently complicated seemed to get cut in for some, in the same way that anything massive enough got a generous helping of gravity. The universe had a definite tendency towards awareness. This suggested a certain subtle cruelty woven into the very fabric of space-time. Terry Pratchett
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Do you understand what I'm saying?"shouted Moist. "You can't just go around killing people! "" Why Not? You Do." The golem lowered his arm." What?" snapped Moist. "I do not! Who told you that?"" I Worked It Out. You Have Killed Two Point Three Three Eight People, " said the golem calmly." I have never laid a finger on anyone in my life, Mr Pump. I may be—— all the things you know I am, but I am not a killer! I have never so much as drawn a sword! "" No, You Have Not. But You Have Stolen, Embezzled, Defrauded And Swindled Without Discrimination, Mr Lipvig. You Have Ruined Businesses And Destroyed Jobs. When Banks Fail, It Is Seldom Bankers Who Starve. Your Actions Have Taken Money From Those Who Had Little Enough To Begin With. In A Myriad Small Ways You Have Hastened The Deaths Of Many. You Do Not Know Them. You Did Not See Them Bleed. But You Snatched Bread From Their Mouths And Tore Clothes From Their Backs. For Sport, Mr Lipvig. For Sport. For The Joy Of The Game. . Terry Pratchett
The truth may be out there, but the lies are...
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The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head. Terry Pratchett
A lie can run round the world before the truth...
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A lie can run round the world before the truth has got its boots on. Terry Pratchett
Truth! Freedom! Justice! And a hard-boiled egg!
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Truth! Freedom! Justice! And a hard-boiled egg! Terry Pratchett
I should have learned this, she thought. I wanted to...
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I should have learned this, she thought. I wanted to learn fire, and pain, but I should have learned people. Terry Pratchett
When people say things are a lot more complicated than...
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When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they're getting worried that they won't like the truth. Terry Pratchett
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At such times the universe gets a little closer to us. They are strange times, times of beginnings and endings. Dangerous and powerful. And we feel it even if we don't know what it is. These times are not necessarily good, and not necessarily bad. In fact, what they are depends on what *we* are. Terry Pratchett
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WHO KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THE HEART OF MEN?The Death of Rats looked up from the feast of the potato. SQUEAK, he said. Death waved a hand dismissively. WELL, YES, OBVIOUSLY ME, he said. I JUST WONDERED IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE. Terry Pratchett
Just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not...
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Just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not still a miracle. Terry Pratchett
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This was not the time to say “I don’t know.” The brothers had begging, hungry looks, like dogs waiting to be fed. They wanted an answer. It would be nice if it was the right answer, but if it couldn’t be, then any answer would do, because then we would stop being worried..and then his mind caught alight. That’s what the gods are! An answer that will do! Because there’s food to be caught and babies to be born and life to be lived and so there is no time for big, complicated, and worrying answers! Please give us a simple answer, so that we don’t have to think, because if we think, we might find answers that don’t fit the way we want the world to be. . Terry Pratchett
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God does not play games with His loyal servants", said the Metatron, but in a worried tone of voice." Whoopee", said Crowley. Terry Pratchett
When in doubt, choose to live.
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When in doubt, choose to live. Terry Pratchett
In fact, the mere act of opening the box will...
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In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of thecat, although in this case there were three determinate states the catcould be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious. Terry Pratchett
Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger...
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Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is. Terry Pratchett
And, as always happens, and happens far too soon, the...
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And, as always happens, and happens far too soon, the strange and wonderful becomes a memory and a memory becomes a dream. Tomorrow it's gone. Terry Pratchett
Anyone with half a mind could see that,
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Anyone with half a mind could see that, " said Tiffany.Miss Tick sighed. "Yes. But sometimes it's so hard to find half a mind when you need one. Terry Pratchett
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I wonder if it's like this for mountain climbers, he thought. You climb bigger and bigger mountains and you know that one day one of them is going to be just that bit too steep. But you go on doing it, because it’s so-o good when you breathe the air up there. And you know you'll die falling. Terry Pratchett
No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause...
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No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away... Terry Pratchett
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Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying. Terry Pratchett
I DON'T HOLD WITH CRUELTY TO CATS.
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I DON'T HOLD WITH CRUELTY TO CATS. Terry Pratchett
Do you not know that a man is not dead...
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Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken? Terry Pratchett
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That's a nice song, ' said young Sam, and Vimes remembered that he was hearing it for the first time. It's an old soldiers' song, ' he said. Really, sarge? But it's about angels.' Yes, thought Vimes, and it's amazing what bits those angels cause to rise up as the song progresses. It's a real soldiers' song: sentimental, with dirty bits. As I recall, they used to sing it after battles, ’ he said. 'I've seen old men cry when they sing it, ’ he added. Why? It sounds cheerful.' They were remembering who they were not singing it with, thought Vimes. You'll learn. I know you will. Terry Pratchett
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ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION. AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END SOMEDAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.Death took a step backwards. It was impossible to read expression in Azrael's features. Death glanced sideways at the servants. LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN? . Terry Pratchett
If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would...
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If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship. Terry Pratchett
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO...
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IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE. Terry Pratchett
How do you get all those coins?
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How do you get all those coins?" asked Mort.IN PAIRS. Terry Pratchett
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Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere, " said the toad. "You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is theirs."" But this is a real place! "" So? That's what they believe. Besides, they're only small. Maybe the universe is a bit crowded and they have to put heavens anywhere there's room? I'm a toad, so you'll appreciate that I'm having to guess a lot here. . Terry Pratchett
It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This...
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It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free. Terry Pratchett
OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT...
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OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE, said Death. OTHERWISE, WHAT IS 4:30 A.M. FOR? Terry Pratchett
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Susan's gotta poker, you know, " it said, as if anxious to be helpful. WELL, WELL. INDEED. MY GOODNESS ME. week she picked up a bogey by its nose." Death tried to imagine this. He felt sure he'd heard the sentence wrong, but it didn't sound a whole lot better however he rearranged the words. Terry Pratchett
The reaper does not listen to the harvest.
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The reaper does not listen to the harvest. Terry Pratchett
WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE...
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WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE SAT ON? CAN IT BE THAT IT IS CAT-FLAVOURED? Terry Pratchett
YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said. That's what...
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YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said. That's what being alive is all about. Terry Pratchett
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He took his hands off the oars and pulled in the mooring rope. If I make a couple of loops, he thought, I can strap the axe on to my back. He had a mental picture of what could happen to a man who plunged into the cauldron below a waterfall with a sharp piece of metal attached to his body. G O O D MORNING.Vimes blinked. A tall dark robed figure was now sitting in the boat.' Are you Death?'IT'S THE SCYTHE, ISN'T IT? PEOPLE ALWAYS NOTICE THE SCYTHE.'I'm going to die?' P O S S I B L Y.' Possibly? You turn up when people are possibly going to die?' O H, YES. IT'S QUITE THE NEW THING. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.'What's that?' I' M NOT SURE.'That's very helpful. . Terry Pratchett
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BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE RATHER STUPID AND WASTE THEIR LIVES. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THAT? HAVE YOU NOT LOOKED DOWN FROM THE HORSE AT A CITY AND THOUGHT HOW MUCH IT RESEMBLED AN ANT HEAP, FULL OF BLIND CREATURES WHO THINK THEIR MUNDANE LITTLE WORLD WAS REAL? YOU SEE THE LIGHTED WINDOWS AND WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK IS THAT THERE MAY BE MANY INTERESTING STORIES BEHIND THEM, BUT WHAT YOU KNOW IS THAT REALLY THERE ARE JUST DULL, DULL SOULS, MERE CONSUMERS OF FOOD, WHO THINK THEIR INSTINCTS ARE EMOTIONS AND THEIR TINY LITTLE LIVES OF MORE ACCOUNT THAN A WHISPER OF WIND.The blue glow was bottmless. It seemed to be sucking her own thoughts out of her mind.' No, ' whispered Susan, 'no, I've never thought like that.' Death stood up abruptly and turned away. YOU MAY FIND OUT THAT IT HELPS, he said. . Terry Pratchett