1
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.Steven Wright
2
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.Steven Wright
3
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.Steven Wright
4
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.Steven Wright
5
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.Steven Wright
6
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.Steven Wright
7
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Steven Wright
8
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.Steven Wright
9
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?Steven Wright
10
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Steven Wright
11
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.Steven Wright
12
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.Steven Wright
13
What's another word for thesaurus?Steven Wright
14
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.Steven Wright
15
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?Steven Wright
16
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.Steven Wright
17
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.Steven Wright
18
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.Steven Wright
19
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.Steven Wright
20
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Steven Wright
21
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.Steven Wright
22
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?Steven Wright
23
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?Steven Wright
24
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Steven Wright
25
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.Steven Wright
26
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.Steven Wright
27
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.Steven Wright
28
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.Steven Wright
29
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.Steven Wright
30
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Steven Wright
31
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.Steven Wright
32
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.Steven Wright
33
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.Steven Wright
34
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?Steven Wright
35
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.Steven Wright
36
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!Steven Wright
37
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?Steven Wright
38
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?Steven Wright
39
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?Steven Wright
40
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?Steven Wright
41
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Steven Wright
42
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.Steven Wright
43
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.Steven Wright
44
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.Steven Wright
45
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.Steven Wright
46
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?Steven Wright
47
Hermits have no peer pressure.Steven Wright
48
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.Steven Wright
49
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me arefurious!Steven Wright
50
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.Steven Wright
51
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.Steven Wright
52
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?Steven Wright
53
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.Steven Wright
54
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.Steven Wright
55
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.Steven Wright
56
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.Steven Wright
57
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.Steven Wright
58
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.Steven Wright
59
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.Steven Wright
60
I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.Steven Wright
61
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.Steven Wright
62
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.Steven Wright
63
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.Steven Wright
64
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.Steven Wright
65
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?Steven Wright
66
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.Steven Wright
67
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.Steven Wright
68
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote, ' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'Steven Wright
69
How young can you die of old age?Steven Wright
70
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'Steven Wright
71
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.Steven Wright
72
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.Steven Wright
73
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.Steven Wright
74
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.Steven Wright
75
If God dropped acid, would he see people?Steven Wright
76
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.Steven Wright
77
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.Steven Wright
78
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.Steven Wright
79
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.Steven Wright
80
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Steven Wright
81
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'Steven Wright
82
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.Steven Wright
83
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.Steven Wright
84
What's another word for Thesaurus?Steven Wright
85
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.Steven Wright
86
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.Steven Wright
87
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'Steven Wright
88
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.Steven Wright
89
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.Steven Wright
90
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.Steven Wright
91
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.Steven Wright
92
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.Steven Wright
93
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.Steven Wright
94
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.Steven Wright
95
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'Steven Wright
96
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.Steven Wright
97
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.Steven Wright
98
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.Steven Wright
99
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.Steven Wright
100
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.Steven Wright