41 Quotes & Sayings By Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent...
1
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,...
2
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I...
3
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath...
4
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy...
5
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the...
6
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I...
7
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time...
8
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Rodney Dangerfield
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent...
9
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5, 000 dollars or your back Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I...
10
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. Rodney Dangerfield
11
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
12
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two! Rodney Dangerfield
13
Life's a short trip. You'll find out. Rodney Dangerfield
14
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield
15
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone. Rodney Dangerfield
16
I haven't spoken to my wife in years- I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
17
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield
18
I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
19
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. Rodney Dangerfield
20
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield
21
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield
22
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
23
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield
24
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield
25
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield
26
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield
27
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield
28
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield
29
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield
30
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield
31
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield
32
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
33
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield
34
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield
35
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
36
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
37
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield
38
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield
39
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield
40
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield