1
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.Rita Rudner
2
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.Rita Rudner
3
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.Rita Rudner
4
Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.Rita Rudner
5
I had the most boring office job in the world... I used to clean the windows on envelopes.Rita Rudner
6
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.Rita Rudner
7
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
8
Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.Rita Rudner
9
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.Rita Rudner
10
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.Rita Rudner
11
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.Rita Rudner
12
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.Rita Rudner
13
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.Rita Rudner
14
Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.Rita Rudner
15
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.Rita Rudner
16
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.Rita Rudner
17
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.Rita Rudner
18
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.Rita Rudner
19
If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.Rita Rudner
20
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.Rita Rudner
21
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.Rita Rudner
22
Men in high levels of government seldom surf.Rita Rudner
23
Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.Rita Rudner
24
All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.Rita Rudner
25
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.Rita Rudner
26
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.Rita Rudner
27
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.Rita Rudner
28
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.Rita Rudner
29
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.Rita Rudner
30
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.Rita Rudner
31
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.Rita Rudner
32
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?Rita Rudner
33
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.Rita Rudner
34
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.Rita Rudner
35
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
36
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.Rita Rudner
37
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.Rita Rudner
38
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.Rita Rudner
39
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.Rita Rudner
40
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.Rita Rudner
41
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'Rita Rudner
42
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'Rita Rudner
43
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.Rita Rudner