1
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.Phyllis Diller
2
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?Phyllis Diller
3
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.Phyllis Diller
4
Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your fucking Xmas cardPhyllis Diller
5
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.Phyllis Diller
6
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.Phyllis Diller
7
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.Phyllis Diller
8
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.Phyllis Diller
9
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.Phyllis Diller
10
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.Phyllis Diller
11
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.Phyllis Diller
12
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.Phyllis Diller
13
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.Phyllis Diller
14
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.Phyllis Diller
15
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.Phyllis Diller
16
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.Phyllis Diller
17
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.Phyllis Diller
18
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.Phyllis Diller
19
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.Phyllis Diller
20
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.Phyllis Diller
21
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.Phyllis Diller
22
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.Phyllis Diller
23
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?Phyllis Diller
24
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.Phyllis Diller
25
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.Phyllis Diller
26
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.Phyllis Diller
27
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.Phyllis Diller
28
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.Phyllis Diller
29
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.Phyllis Diller
30
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.Phyllis Diller
31
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.Phyllis Diller