1
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.Jerry Seinfeld
2
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reasonJerry Seinfeld
3
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.Jerry Seinfeld
4
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.Jerry Seinfeld
5
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.Jerry Seinfeld
6
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.Jerry Seinfeld
7
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?Jerry Seinfeld
8
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.Jerry Seinfeld
9
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.Jerry Seinfeld
10
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.Jerry Seinfeld
11
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.Jerry Seinfeld
12
A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.Jerry Seinfeld
13
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!Jerry Seinfeld
14
The best revenge is living well.Jerry Seinfeld
15
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.Jerry Seinfeld
16
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?Jerry Seinfeld
17
It's good to play and you must keep in practice.Jerry Seinfeld
18
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.Jerry Seinfeld
19
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.Jerry Seinfeld
20
That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.Jerry Seinfeld
21
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.Jerry Seinfeld
22
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'Jerry Seinfeld
23
We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.Jerry Seinfeld
24
We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.Jerry Seinfeld
25
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'Jerry Seinfeld
26
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.Jerry Seinfeld
27
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.Jerry Seinfeld
28
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.Jerry Seinfeld
29
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.Jerry Seinfeld
30
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.Jerry Seinfeld
31
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.Jerry Seinfeld
32
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.Jerry Seinfeld