1
Captain, I'm fairly unique among artificial intelligences. I am FREE.I work for you because I want to. I fly your ship for you because I enjoy it. I am compelled to accept orders only by my conscience. This makes me an equal with the rest of your troops. They aren't hard-wired to obey you, yet they'll follow you to the ends of the Universe.Howard Tayler
2
Where's your sense of adventure? It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.- Captain Tagon & Captain AndreyasnHoward Tayler
3
Maxim 3: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
4
Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
5
Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.Howard Tayler
6
Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
7
Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.Howard Tayler
8
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
9
Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over."" Not guilty."" Also, it's not very nice to lie in court."" But it beats extradition.Howard Tayler
10
Right now I've got just two rules to live by. Rule one: don't taunt elephants. Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.- Sergeant SchlockHoward Tayler
11
The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"" Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation! "" I guess that explains their rich military history, then.Howard Tayler
12
Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons. Munitions Commander? Why me? I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.- Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn AndreyasnHoward Tayler
13
Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
14
Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.Howard Tayler
15
Hi. I'm here to enlist. You can't. You aren't human. You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things." Sounds like my kind of fun.- Schlock & Lieutenant Der TrihsHoward Tayler
16
As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.- Captain TagonHoward Tayler
17
Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
18
Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
19
When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn AndreyasnHoward Tayler
20
So you're a fellow mercenary, then."" Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?"" Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you.. . But only if it's convenient.Howard Tayler
21
Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine. Actually I'm finished. In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work? After a fashion.... I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.- Captain Tagon & Commander AndreyasnHoward Tayler
22
Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."" Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"" No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.Howard Tayler
23
Technically, you don't pay me. And technically, most of what I do is "think."I...rrr. ummm. And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.- Ennesby & Captain TagonHoward Tayler
24
Yes, but none of them can steal my ship. None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.Howard Tayler
25
How many words are you having trouble with, sir?"" Just the ones that I've highlighted."" I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph."" That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.Howard Tayler
26
Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
27
Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
28
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.- Colonel Ceeta & Captain TagonHoward Tayler
29
That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."" Well, the elephant started it."" That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."- Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant SchlockHoward Tayler
30
No! Wait! I've got a better idea..."" Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.""And your point is..."" Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.Howard Tayler
31
You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being."" It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.Howard Tayler
32
Are you done briefing the company yet?"" We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet."" Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs.""Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago. Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.Howard Tayler
33
Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.Howard Tayler
34
Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain. Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body? See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?- Sergeant Schlock & Captain TagonHoward Tayler
35
I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.Howard Tayler
36
AAAAIIIE! You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing! Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?- Sergeant SchlockHoward Tayler
37
Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?Howard Tayler
38
Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside."" How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?"" I had one on me.Howard Tayler
39
Being a mercenary, though... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer. Even the people you're paid to shoot at? Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.- Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General TagonHoward Tayler
40
This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination....hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job. Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.- Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain TagonHoward Tayler
41
Maxim 30: A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
42
A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.Howard Tayler
43
Maxim 10: Sometimes the only way out is through... through the hull.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
44
What do you think? Overkill?""I don't believe there is any such thing. But in this case, 'yes, overkill.Howard Tayler
45
Maxim 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
46
Maxim 27: Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
47
The spirit of the law is the least of the things we're prepared to violate.Howard Tayler
48
Air traffic control is going to have a steamy old fit on your dime, boy. They can get in line behind the police, the people whose cars we trashed, the Empire of Ob'enn, the Partnership Collective, and the Wormgate Corporation. Oh, and I think maybe some dark matter beasties from Andromeda.You "think maybe"?- General Tagon & Captain AndreyasnHoward Tayler
49
When I find the guy who torched that forest, I'm going to eat him. And I'm only going to half-cook him first.- Sergeant SchlockHoward Tayler
50
The way you blunder from one catastrophe to the next, it's a wonder the whole galaxy doesn't hate you. The galaxy is a big place, General. You provincial military types don't get far enough out to really see that.- General Tagon & Captain Kevyn AndreyasnHoward Tayler
51
Maxim 20: If you’re not willing to shell your own position, you’re not willing to win.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
52
Maxim 28: If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
53
Maxim 18: If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
54
Maxim 2: A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
55
Maxim 15: Only you can prevent friendly fire.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
56
Maxim 5: Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
57
Maxim 33:If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
58
They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.Howard Tayler
59
Maxim 31: Only cheaters prosper.- The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective MercenariesHoward Tayler
60
We either need an overwhelming force advantage, or we need more information."" Reinforcements cut into our bounty, remember?"" It's unanimous. We need more information.Howard Tayler