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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.Henny Youngman
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When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)Henny Youngman
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You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.Henny Youngman
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I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.Henny Youngman
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My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.Henny Youngman
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.Henny Youngman
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I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.Henny Youngman
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.Henny Youngman
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!Henny Youngman
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.Henny Youngman
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.Henny Youngman
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.Henny Youngman
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.Henny Youngman
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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.Henny Youngman
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.Henny Youngman
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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.Henny Youngman
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.Henny Youngman
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.Henny Youngman
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I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.Henny Youngman
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.Henny Youngman
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.Henny Youngman
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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?Henny Youngman