148 "George Carlin" Quotes And Sayings

George Carlin (November 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American comedian, actor and writer. Carlin developed a public persona as a "grumpy old man" and a "nagging, angry wordsmith" who was highly critical of authority and hypocrisy in America. Carlin was famous for his Seven Dirty Words routine. He won five Grammy Awards, two Emmy Awards, two Academy Awards, nineteen Emmys for television performances, a Tony Award, an American Music Award, an MTV Video Music Award, the National Medal of Arts, the Kennedy Center Honors and the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

1
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!. George Carlin
It's important in life if you don't give a shit....
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It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. George Carlin
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Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way...
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
5
We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet?. And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years. The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake. George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with...
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. George Carlin
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you...
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you...
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you...
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin
14
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin
15
Meow” means “woof” in cat. George Carlin
16
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now, ' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.' If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen. They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.' So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself. George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking....
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. George Carlin
18
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. George Carlin
19
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who...
20
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. George Carlin