1
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.George Burns
2
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.George Burns
3
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.George Burns
4
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.George Burns
5
Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.George Burns
6
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.George Burns
7
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.George Burns
8
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.George Burns
9
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.George Burns
10
There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)George Burns
11
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.George Burns
12
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.George Burns
13
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.George Burns
14
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.George Burns
15
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.George Burns
16
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city.George Burns
17
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family ... in another city.George Burns
18
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.George Burns
19
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.George Burns
20
I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.George Burns
21
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.George Burns
22
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.George Burns
23
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.George Burns
24
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.George Burns
25
At my age flowers scare me.George Burns
26
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.George Burns
27
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.George Burns
28
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.George Burns
29
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.George Burns
30
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.George Burns
31
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.George Burns
32
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.George Burns
33
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.George Burns
34
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.George Burns