129 Quotes & Sayings By Elle Lothlorien

Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn. Elle Lothlorien

You can donate marrow for her, Alice Faye, you can’t cure her. You can win a poker tournament, but that won’t make her want to live. So I’ll ask you again: Who are you, and what are you doing here? Because Munny sure doesn’t want you to be her, and she wants someone to be out in the world living since she’s got the market cornered on dying right now. Elle Lothlorien

I slump in my chair, thinking how a narcotic party of one is no party at all. Elle Lothlorien

Aw, you’re nothing but heart, Mako. Nice valentine in your skull, by the way. Is that temporary or did the Tanaka-kai change their daimon to attract the Powerpuff Girls crowd? Elle Lothlorien

If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I’m going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes. Elle Lothlorien

I think it would be prudent to advise you that due to extraordinary circumstances beyond our control, the original plan we had for participating in and extending the duration of the IPT Main Event has been drastically altered, specifically as it pertains to certain individuals competing– Elle Lothlorien

I want to kiss my brother for being so tactful. Rabbit looks grateful as well, and I can only imagine what it would be like to trot out your embarrassing 'enjo kosai' problem in front of your sister, your former love-interest of a couple of weeks, and her two siblings. Elle Lothlorien

Souris says you wanted to see me, so here I am. Talk quick before I decide to beat the shit out of you and throw your bloody carcass back across the International Date Line. Elle Lothlorien

As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That’s right, it’s true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died. Elle Lothlorien

Faye, if you got eaten by another shark, would you please at least have the decency to say so? My time is kind of limited, if you know what I’m sayin’. Elle Lothlorien

Well, you played me, Rabbit. You played me, and it worked, and I’m not the kind of person to make the same mistake twice. Your whole life is a game, but you know what? I already have a life. Poker’s nothing to me but a goddamn deck of cards. Elle Lothlorien

Turns out making a dramatic exit is a lot harder when you have to stand there and wait another twenty minutes for a boat to dock. Elle Lothlorien

Enjoy your little run because there’s no way you get off this boat without her trying to slice your Achilles in half. Elle Lothlorien

And just so you know–that winter forest we walked into first? That was from Through the Looking Glass too. Hey, if you’re going to saddle me with the blame for your overconsumption, at least get the book right. Elle Lothlorien

Wait, and you had to ask him if Faye’s in danger? IF? Okay, first of all, I’m just going to admit that I didn’t know Japan had a Mafia, but I also didn’t know they got a Disney World. If someone gets an invitation from the Mafia, I’d say there’s potential for a bit of danger, wouldn’t you? I mean, am I the only one here who saw Goodfellas? Elle Lothlorien

Right, 'the Queen of Hearts.' Sounds to me like you’re just one bitch in a whole pack of cards, baby. Elle Lothlorien

The words ‘drink me’ come to mind. Anyone besides me up for some heavy alcohol consumption? Elle Lothlorien

Oh, Alice, you haven’t even had a taste of my romantic streak yet. And when the time’s right I don’t think I’ll have to ‘try’ to have my way with you. I just WILL. Elle Lothlorien

My help–it’s not a light switch you can turn on and off. My help starts right now, and after this point you don’t get to tell me that you don’t want it anymore. Understand? You had a chance to walk away, Alice, and you didn’t take it. Now it’s time to play the game. Elle Lothlorien

Have you thrown ‘Why is a raven like a writing desk?’ at her yet? Elle Lothlorien

For someone named Alice, you’re really not all that up on your Wonderland trivia. Elle Lothlorien

Just keep it simple, Alice Faye. Remember how you taught yourself. Nothing’s different just because you’re on a yacht, or wearing a fancy dress. Or because you appear to have dropped acid and are now in the mirror room at the fun house. Elle Lothlorien

I look around briefly at the other players like I always do before a game. Other than Queenie, Bill, and Talon, I don’t know any of them (and I don’t care enough about them to know them). But if there’s going to be any cordiality, any forced politeness or ‘Aw, shucks, let’s all just try to have a good time here tonight’ kind of blather, then now’s the time to get it out of the way before I get down to the business of screwing everyone out of their hopes and dreams. Elle Lothlorien

You know what they say, Queenie: ALWAYS bet like you have a pair. Elle Lothlorien

Pretty great view. You think they’d do something about the sharks. Elle Lothlorien

Turns out rolling your eyes in a bar when ‘Land Down Under’ plays is like someone belching during the Star Spangled Banner in America. Elle Lothlorien

Oh, yeah, that goatee is really unattractive. That definitely belongs on a much fatter man. Elle Lothlorien

Are you saying that you need an attorney? For what? As far as I know, being a dick isn’t against the law in any country. Elle Lothlorien

I don’t need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I’m there, and I’ll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we’ll just act like we do every day. Elle Lothlorien

Are you referring to the day you instructed me to ‘follow the white rabbit, ’ plied me with absinthe and brownies, and tried to have your way with me? Didn’t take long for you to lose your romantic streak, did it? Elle Lothlorien

Didn’t you read the invitation? There’s going to be a game in a little while--the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread. Elle Lothlorien

Oh, and Mr. Montgomery? I think I counted about four dozen important-sounding words and almost no substance at all in that explanation. I don’t think you should close the door on your diplomatic career entirely. Elle Lothlorien

Don’t worry, little bunny, we only use our triplet telepathic powers for good. Elle Lothlorien

Uh-oh, I hope he doesn’t start rattling off dirty limericks next; she’ll probably burn the hotel down. Elle Lothlorien

Alice, I am the game, and trust me: you don’t want to play me. Elle Lothlorien

Would you like to hear about the fascinating things lizards can do if you chew off their tails? Elle Lothlorien

Remember that rabbit-proof fencing you told me about? You get that at a hardware store or is it special order? Elle Lothlorien

So…while we’re sitting here on this luxury yacht enjoying our bread and water, why doesn’t someone tell me the plan? Elle Lothlorien

I made sure to brush my teeth as soon as I was able. I even asked for a hair tie to pull my long, blood-red hair into a twist at the nape of my neck so I wouldn’t have that 'freshly hospitalized' look. Elle Lothlorien

Well, Faye, dear, I’m sure Harlow’s sorry she didn’t think to ask if you’d been eaten by a shark. That’s totally on her. Elle Lothlorien

By the way, don’t thank me for saving you, thank the lifeguards. If it was up to me, I would’ve just carried you off to the building by the boardwalk that said SURGERY. I’m sorry, but there’s a big difference between a family doctor treating you for the sniffles, and a guy who actually owns and knows how to use an operating table. Elle Lothlorien

I think I can say with confidence that it’s a lot funnier if you haven’t actually been attacked by a shark. Elle Lothlorien

Are we turning back? Because if you’re just trying to solve my post-traumatic stress problem by exposing me to rock sharks until I’m desensitized, trust me–that ship has sailed. Elle Lothlorien

That’s exactly where they send entry-level diplomats. After you cut your teeth on a few civil wars and a famine or two, you might get lucky and be given a plum post somewhere in the SECOND World. Elle Lothlorien

You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, ‘Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should be fun. Elle Lothlorien

I think it should be obvious by now that I’m not necessarily interested in reality. Elle Lothlorien

Don’t be such a dumbass, Gabe. Koalas don’t travel in herds. They move in heaps. Much like emus move in ripples, and kangaroos travel in photo-ops. Elle Lothlorien

I don’t think I heard the same ending you did. Maybe you should tell it again. Elle Lothlorien

Let’s put it this way: you know how we always told you that all those years of tormenting four sisters turned you into a closet sadist? Well, if you ever decide that being a lawyer isn’t bringing you the kind of gratification you were hoping for, then I think I found the perfect job for you. Elle Lothlorien

Well, the gondola operator–whose name was ‘Happy, ’ I might add–failed to inform me that about sixty seconds into the trip, the floor under the section of car I was standing on was going to slide away. Turns out it was a really useful way of finding out which of the passengers suffers from acute acrophobia. Elle Lothlorien

I am commanding you, as an older and wiser brother, to get over here, get on this caterpillar, and ride to the top of this mushroom with me. Elle Lothlorien

You’re in the country of the kangaroo and the duck-billed platypus, and you’re asking ‘why is it a mushroom? Because it just IS. Elle Lothlorien

I’m not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone. Elle Lothlorien

Well then, I guess I’m man enough to admit that I’m trying to get in touch with my inner bitch. Elle Lothlorien

Who are you? Rabbit and Souris call you ‘Alice, ’ me and Dee call you ‘Faye.’ I just didn’t know if ‘Alice’ was your poker-playing, Southern Hemisphere name or what. Hey, I’m just trying to fit in here. If I should be introducing myself as ‘Clark, ’ I want to know about it sooner rather than later so I don’t embarrass myself. Elle Lothlorien

Okay, so English settlers brought rabbits with them to Australia to breed for food and stuff, right? But they escaped and basically started destroying the country, eating the vegetation, that kind of thing. So by the early 1900s, the government was trying to figure out a way to get rid of all the rabbits. Want to hear what their genius plan was? The rabbit-proof fence. Worked out great for the rabbits. Once they learned how to play badminton and got the hang of tennis on grass, they couldn’t remember how they ever lived without it. Supposedly there was something like six hundred million rabbits by 1950. But you’re missing the point. The point is that even though it was pretty obvious from the beginning it wasn’t working, they kept right on building it–two thousand miles of it. Elle Lothlorien

You keep right on building that fence, Faye. See what good it does you. Elle Lothlorien

Fun fact: You may hug koalas in the Australian state of New South Wales, but not in Queensland. So…if you didn’t hug your koala nice and tight before you got here to Sydney, you’re going to be shit out of luck until we go back to Surfer’s Paradise. Elle Lothlorien

I hear they’re all infected with chlamydia, which just goes to show that you really can’t tell who’s got the clam. I mean, look at a picture of a koala…tell me you’re not shocked. Elle Lothlorien

In any other fabric of space-time, my brother would have picked up Dee’s venereal disease-infested koala punt and run it straight down the line of vulgarity, all the way to the touchdown of tastelessness. Elle Lothlorien

Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny–like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy. Elle Lothlorien

After one and a half cocktails, finding the appropriate response is a bit of a challenge. I finally say, 'Thank you for inviting me, ' and leave the less desirable 'Want to play strip poker?' in the unscrupulous part of my brain where it belongs. Elle Lothlorien

Speaking of your eyeballs, dear brother, I overheard some girls talking about you in the restroom at the tournament hotel. Apparently rumor now has it that you won’t allow anyone to see your eyes–ever. In fact, according to this knowledgeable source, you even sleep and shower with your glasses on in case someone unexpectedly walks in..one of them said she’d seen your eyes for herself two years ago and could only describe them as 'ferocious and roving, ’ and ‘burning white-hot with a primal, raw wildness. Elle Lothlorien

Okay then, I suppose you get a pass on poker intimidation for the glasses, little brother. But everyone else is wearing them at the tables too, and they’re all just sitting there, looking all serious, like they’re birthing the Grand Theory of Everything. Elle Lothlorien

This is from the queen? And you say it’s for a mouse? I’m sorry, sir, but the Pyramid Hotel doesn’t allow any pets except for service animals. Elle Lothlorien

Did you forget a dentist appointment or something, big guy? Where the hell did you hop off to? Elle Lothlorien

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that 'Alice Faye picked a peck of pepper for the poor, piping pig in the purple poke.' Wait–is that not what we’re talking about here? Elle Lothlorien

What if it’s a shy fish? Is that a 'coy koi?' What? Don’t hate me because I’m asking the important questions. Elle Lothlorien

He’s a guy. We’re easy and stupid. Just go bat your eyes at him and beg for forgiveness. It’ll take five minutes…three if you wear something low-cut. Elle Lothlorien

Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel when I’m around you: confused, but still satisfied.' I freeze, trying to figure out how to cancel it out and replace it with something that sounds a whole lot less like sex and a candy bar ad. Elle Lothlorien

I brought you out here because I wanted to share a sunrise with you, and maybe even a sunset. I wanted to see how much I could kiss you between now and the time we dock tomorrow. And if I was really lucky, I was hoping I could lie with you until you fell asleep, until I couldn’t stay awake anymore. And in the morning, we’d wake up, and we’d be together, just like this. Elle Lothlorien

Follow me down, Alice Faye Dahl. I know the way. Elle Lothlorien

Alice, winning means manipulation. It means taking people–people who may have helped you in the past, even people you care about–and using them without hesitation or regret. It means making decisions that would be viewed by any normal-thinking human being as cynical at best and dishonorable at worst Elle Lothlorien

I believe the phrase you’re looking for is ‘too much money and not enough things to spend it on. Elle Lothlorien

The question is: will I get used to a menu with kilojoules instead of calories? I mean, I don’t think anyone even knows how many kilojoules are in a calorie. I had to break out a whiteboard this morning and do calculus just to figure out how many calories were in a glass of water Down Under. Elle Lothlorien

Hey, any idea why Australians speak something that sounds deceptively like English but isn’t? I mean, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t seem to converse with another human being who speaks the same language as I do. Elle Lothlorien

Do you ever answer anything in a way that people expect you to? Elle Lothlorien

I believe it went like this–and stop me if I’m wrong, Mousey: ‘Listen, we may not be our own continent and everything, but we have a big country over in America too. Elle Lothlorien

So you went back to your friend’s next donkament two weeks later, and this time you just laughed right along when they gave you that framed picture of the poker hands. And when they called you ‘pigeon, ’ ‘fish, ’ and ‘muppet, ’ you just smiled and batted your eyes and said stupid things like ‘Does a straight beat a crooked?’ And while everyone else was throwing a party, you just sat there acting like a tourist with your kill stack until you were in the money. Those poor dills…they didn’t know what hit ‘em, did they? . Elle Lothlorien

Alice, you might be the product of the biggest ball of ignorance, confidence, and good fortune the universe has ever manufactured. But if you’re thinking that you can take your results at the virtual tables and your grand tactic of Ignorance Is Bliss, and make that work for the Main Event, forget it–it WON'T. Elle Lothlorien

Alice? You didn’t get this far without realizing that you don’t have to cheat to win. You just have to accept that people are easily manipulated. Elle Lothlorien

Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous wretchedness, with the three women all complaining alternately about their wet hair/clothes and their respective distance from Talon, while the man himself is trying to maneuver his Paul Bunyan frame way too close to me. Elle Lothlorien

No thanks… Dodo, was it? I don’t know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days. Elle Lothlorien

Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog that guards the entrance to the Underworld appears next to her–sans two of its heads–and sits down. As a child, we had a neighbor with a Great Dane, and I know they’re about three feet tall at the shoulder. Allow another twelve inches for their T-Rex-sized heads, and you’ve got a dog that this woman could throw a saddle on and ride like a pony. Elle Lothlorien

For the first time, there’s no barrier between us and we make eye contact. All of a sudden, I feel like the character in Raiders of the Lost Ark–the one who watches in horror as the wispy, beautiful angels floating from the Ark of the Covenant morph into howling, homicidal demons. You know, right before he melts like a cheap candle. Elle Lothlorien

I’ll get you and your little dog too?’ You say your girl can’t pay me back? Believe me when I say that that little gift’s just gonna keep right on giving. Elle Lothlorien

Alice, it took big, dumb Talon Dodo thirty seconds to get you so pissed about a poker hand pun that you were about to beat him to death with your cane. Elle Lothlorien

The car doesn’t so much drive as float above the road, like we’re making our way to Sydney in a hovercraft. Elle Lothlorien

When some smart ass asks you if you’re driving, you say, 'Nope, just kicking the tires.’ You have to make sure you actually kick them all on your way around to the passenger side. Otherwise it’s like lying. Elle Lothlorien

If one more person tells me how big this country is, I’m going to go kick a koala. Elle Lothlorien

How was I supposed to know ‘lucked out’ means ‘I got screwed over’ in Australian? Elle Lothlorien

Yeah, well, when they say ‘You know it’s a long way, don’t you?’ what they really mean is: ‘You know it’d be faster if you just rode a kangaroo, don’t you? Elle Lothlorien

..once I realized that Australia’s top highway speed of 110 kilometers per hour was the same as going 65 in the U.S., all my hardened American enthusiasm for speed went limp until it felt like the car was hardly moving at all. Even worse, most stretches of the highway are restricted to 60 kilometers per hour, which is how fast Americans go when we’re, like, passing a stopped school bus disembarking small children, or driving through a herd of puppies in the road. Elle Lothlorien

Congratulations, Mousey, you’ve managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers. Elle Lothlorien

I don’t know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I’m never going to say to any human being, ever: ‘I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I've had kicker trouble with that hand often enough to fold it. Elle Lothlorien

Seriously, what is the purpose? Maybe I’d feel better about walking around speaking fluent jive if I knew there was a reason for it. Elle Lothlorien

I like it because when people use a lot of poker lingo, it usually means they’ve been playing the game for a while. Which is why I immediately avoid those people. Elle Lothlorien

So ‘fatal’ only kills you two out of three times these days? That’s good to know. Elle Lothlorien

Australians are descended from a boatload of English convicts, right? So two hundred years in isolation at the bottom of the planet is plenty of time for the language to evolve into some sort of double-speak prison slang. Elle Lothlorien

I’m good at being vague and unpredictable. It’s sort of a hard habit to break. Elle Lothlorien