147 Quotes & Sayings By Derek Landy

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant... The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives. Derek Landy

Stairs, " Valkyrie said, disappointed." Not just ordinary stairs, " Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."" Really?"" Oh, yes." She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"" They just are."" In what way?"" In a magicky way." She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"" Not really. Derek Landy

An untied shoelace can be dangerous, ' he said.' I could have tripped.' She stared at him. A moment dragged by.' I'm joking, ' he said at last. She relaxed. 'Really?''Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful. Derek Landy

You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The lastpresent you gave me was a stick.”“ You wanted a weapon.”“ It was a stick.”“ It had a bow on it.”“ It was a stick.”“ I thought you liked the stick. You laughed. Derek Landy

Where are you going?"" Nowhere special. I just have some.. things to do."" Why did you pause?'" I'm sorry?"" You paused. You have 'some.. things to do.'" No reason, I just--"" You're up to something."" No--"" Then why'd you pause?"" Get in the car." She got in. He got in." Seat belt, " he said. Why'd you pause?" His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing."" And why can't I come with you?"" Because it's something sneaky."" Do you promise to tell me later?"" I do."" Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go. Derek Landy

Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.'' Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting. Derek Landy

Of course I want to kill you, " said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to. Derek Landy

Every once in a while, I get the urge. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? The urge for destruction. The urge to hurt, maim, kill. It’s quite a thing, to experience that urge, to let it wash over you, to give in to it. It’s addictive. It’s all-consuming. You lose yourself to it. It’s quite, quite wonderful. I can feel it, even as I speak, tapping around the edges of my mind, trying to prise me open, slip its fingers in. And it would be so easy to let it happen. But we’re all like that, aren’t we? We’re all barbarians at our core. We’re all savage, murderous beasts. I know I am. I’m sure you are. The only difference between us, Mr Prave, is how loudly we roar. I know I roar very loudly indeed. How about you? Do you think you can match me? . Derek Landy

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she'd been on. The last PROPER date. Did fighting side by side with Saracen Rue count as a date? They ended up snuggling under the moonlight, drenched in gore and pieces of brain - so it had PROBABLY been a date. If it wasn't, it was certainly a fun time had by all. Well, not ALL. But she and Saracen had sure had a blast. Derek Landy

I had an uneventful few days, " it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think."" No, they won't, " Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them."" That's what I told him, " the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college." Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?"" I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention. . Derek Landy

Emergency Valve Regulators, " she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?" Not really, " he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones. Derek Landy

Skulduggery.""Fletcher."Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment." I'm sorry, what are we doing now?"" Shaking hands, " Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know." You look a lot like him."" Well, yeah, but-"" And you have the same ridiculous hair."" Can we just shake hands?"" Of course we can, " Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?"" I, uh.. I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?"" Generally, the first thing they do is let go."" Oh, right, " Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie." It's blue."" And such a nice shade." Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying. Derek Landy

He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked." That's it?" He looked up. "Sorry?""Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town."" It's got a car alarm."" Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?"" No. It's a pretty good car alarm. . Derek Landy

I should go in alone, " Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official."" So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring."" You're standing on the roof of a train, " Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out." Fine, " he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long. Derek Landy

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet. Derek Landy

Ladies and gentleman, " he said over the speakers, "welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I'd like to go over the safety features of this aircraft. It has an engine, to make us go, and wings, to keep us in the air. There are seatbelts, which won't do you an awful lot of good if we fly into the side of a mountain. Derek Landy

This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?"" Not stolen, " said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat." Almost stolen, " Gracious corrected." Semi-stolen, " said Donegan."Quasi-stolen, " said Gracious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?" Donegan and Gracious hesitated." Yes, " they both said together. Derek Landy

Aurora sagged. "Why is it, " she asked, "that every time I'm with you two we end up stealing something big?"" We always return it, " Donegan said, a little defensively. "Maybe not always in one piece or necessarily to the right person but return it we do, and so it is not stealing, it is merely borrowing." Gracious looked at him. "It's a little bit stea Derek Landy

If he can't get to the clock, any idea how we deal with this lot?"" With great care, " Donegan suggested." How about we run off shout and they follow?" Said Gracious. "Then, just when they think they've caught us they fall into our trap."" O K, " said Tanith. "And that trap would be?"" A big hole we'd dug earlier and covered with branches.' Tanith frowned. "I thought you were meant to be smart." Gracious frowned back at her. "Who told you that?"" Gracious is book smart, " said Donegan. "He leaves the real world thinking to people like you and me and small dogs that he meets."" The innocent are often the wisest. Derek Landy

He laughed and was about to retort when she grabbed his collar and pulled him into her. She clamped her lips around his mouth and mashed her face into his. He took a step back in surprise and she went with him, stepping in a patch of wet floor. Her legs went out from under her and flailed as she fell, whacking him in the throat on the way down. She looked up at him as he gagged and coughed, and from across the corridor she could hear Tanith laughing hysterically. "I think I need practice, " Valkyrie muttered. Derek Landy

I cannot have chaos erupting around me until I am prepared for it. I am a collector. I am an observer. I don't participate. My resources, and my standing, must be secure before I can allow the uncertainty of war to crash down upon us. Derek Landy

Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry, ” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.”“ If the bad man comes, ” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”“ We make a great team.”“ Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time, ” he said. Derek Landy

I need a weapon, ” Valkyrie muttered.“ You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained ina variety of martial arts by some of the best fighters in the world, ” Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.”“ I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.”“ I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas. Derek Landy

The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?”“ I am.”“ Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”“Sure, ” Kenny said, slightly bafï¬â€šed.“ Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder. . Derek Landy

Oh, China. How I have missed you.'' And I have missed you, Eliza. But don't worry, next time my aim will be better. Derek Landy

I'm sorry, ' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.'' My accent?'' It is quite silly.'' So you can't understand me?'' Not a word.'' Then how did you understand that?'' I didn't.' ''You didn't understand what I just said?'' That's right.'' You understood that, though.'' Not at all.' The American glowered. Derek Landy

You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?' He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along. Derek Landy

We can do this the easy way, ' Oblivious snarled. 'Or the hard way.'' What's the easy way?'' You leave immediately.'' And what's the hard way?'' We make you leave.' Skulduggery's head tilted. 'What was the easy way again? Derek Landy

Have you killed anyone?” she asked quickly.“ What? Did you miss what I said, about turning murder intoan art form?”“ But you haven’t actually killed anyone yet, have you? I readyour file.” He glowered. “Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t Derek Landy

He took her hand in his and knelt before her. Valkyrie looked at him. He was serious. (...)'Dude, I'm sixteen.'' I love you.'' That doesn't make me any older. Stand up.'' Not until you say yes.'' You're going to shuffle around on your knees for the rest of your life? Stand up, for God's sake.'' Be my wife.' 'Shut the hell up. Derek Landy

You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.'' No I wouldn't, ' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'.. Fletcher smiled back. 'I just want to borrow Stephanie for a moment.'' Take our daughter, ' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now. Derek Landy

Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.'' I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.'' Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?' Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.' 'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.''So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.'' They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.'' You, ' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now. Derek Landy

So what does that actually mean?'' To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.'' Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title, ' Tipstaff said.' Of course, ' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion. Derek Landy

Please just admit it, " said Valkyrie. "You're going to miss me, aren't you?" "Obviously, " said Skulduggery. "Thank you." "Like a drowning man misses the land." "A w w w..." "Like a hesitant man misses the chance." "Yeah..." "Like an oblivious man misses the point." "I have a feeling you're mocking me somehow, but I can't put my finger on how. Derek Landy

I love you.'' Yeah, well...'' You make my heart want to beat.'' That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.(...) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.'' But my love for you is eternal.'' That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Derek Landy

Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of herfather’s other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as henodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverwarewhen he thought no one was looking Derek Landy

Please just admit it, " said Valkyrie. "You're going to miss me, aren't you?" "Obviously, " said Skulduggery. "Thank you." "like a drowning man misses the land." "Aw w w..." "Like a hesitant man misses the chance." "Yeah..." "Like an oblivious man misses the point." "I have a feeling you're mocking me somehow, but I can't put my finger on how. Derek Landy

So now you're on the run, ' Warrick said wistfully. 'Travelling the Dark Highway, a lone wolf. With your friend, who is another wolf. Two lone wolves. Two wolves, really. Not really alone. Two wolves in a car. Travelling. One of them naked and bloody. The other with her ass hanging out. Derek Landy

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly." The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?"" Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face. Derek Landy

You are a cynical man, Mr. Pleasant.""We live in cynical times, Miss Cain. Derek Landy

Doors are for people with no imagination. Derek Landy

Talking about one's feelings defeats the purpose of having those feelings. Once you try to put the human experience into words, it becomes little more than a spectator sport. Everything must have a cause, and a name. Every random thought must have a root in something else. Derek Landy

Sometimes it's not what you say, Valkyrie, it's just the fact that you're saying it. Derek Landy

What is a life?" Scapegrace continued. "Is life merely living? Is it having a heartbeat? Or is life the effect you have on others? Is it the effect you have on the world around you? If so, what have I done with mine? How have I wasted it? Derek Landy

And what about magic?” “What about it?” “Will you teach me?” “You don’t even know if you’re capable of doing magic.” “How do I find out? Is there a test or something?”“ Yes, we cut off your head. If it grows back, you can do magic. Derek Landy

The problem with living so long is that we get used to it. We watch the mortals age and wither and die around us, watch the world change and decay...but no matter the hardship or the pain or the sorrow we suffer, we choose to continue living. Out of sheer habit, I think. Derek Landy

Every solution to every problem is simple. It's the distance between the two where the mystery lies. Derek Landy

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties. Derek Landy

Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed. Derek Landy

Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an ey Derek Landy

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword. Derek Landy

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake. Derek Landy

I mean you ACRES of harm, ' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through. Derek Landy

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour." Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them. Derek Landy

He'd once known a man who said that life hinged on the moment, that everything changed in the blink of an eye. Tesseract knew the truth of that as well as anybody. It was in those moments that he struck, after all, snatching people's lives away. He'd always known that it was only a matter of time before one of those moment's worked against him. Derek Landy

I wasn't always who I am now. No one ever is. I've spent my entire lifetime becoming who I am. Finally, I'm here and I'm old. It's depressing, it really is. Derek Landy

The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves. Derek Landy

I understand perfectly. Darquesse isn't a separate entity. She isn't another person. She's you. If you make the wrong choices, if you stop loving the people who love you, if you allow the world to twist and turn and change you, then yes, the future we've seen will come to pass. But if you fight, and if you kick, and struggle, and refuse to give in to the apathy, or the anger, or the hopelessness, then you'll change the future, and you'll walk your own path. And I'll be right there beside you, Valkyrie. I'll always be beside you. Derek Landy

I love stories with a happy ending, ” Inspector Me said. Derek Landy

A living skeleton isn't enough for you, is it? What does it take to impress young people these days? Derek Landy

Stephanie had no problem doing what shewas told, just so long as she was given a good reason why sheshould. Derek Landy

Valkyrie made a face. "Bloody vampires." Ryan sat forward. "That was a vampire? That guy who looked like an accountant?"" We don't talk about vampires, " Skulduggery warned." But it was daytime. How could he have been out during the-"" We don't talk about vampires! " Valkyrie said sharply. Ryan shrunk back. "Sorry, " he said." Don't worry about it, " Skulduggery told him. "Valkyrie used to date a vampire that's. Derek Landy

Doesn't sunlight kill them? Doesn't it turn them to dust, or make them burst into flames or something?"" Nope. Vampires tan, just like you and me. Well, just like you. I tend to bleach. Derek Landy

Violence?"Skulduggery said. "Violence is never the answer, until it's the only answer. Derek Landy

Valkyrie Cain got out of the passenger side. She zipped upher black jacket against the cold, and joined Skulduggery as hewalked up to the front door. She glanced at him, and saw that he was smiling." Stop doing that, ” she sighed.“ Stop doing what?” Skulduggery responded in that gloriously velvet voice of his.“ Stop smiling. The person we want to talk to lives in the only dark house on a bright street. That’s not a good sign.”“ I didn’t realise I was smiling, ” he said. They stopped at the door, and Skulduggery made a concerted effort to shift his features. His mouth twitcheddownwards. “Am I smiling now?”“ No.”“ Excellent, ” he said, and the smile immediately sprang back up. Derek Landy

There's a clock on the wall. Press your hand against the face and turn it very slightly to the. Left. There'll be a click to tell you it's done."" Sounds easy enough."" Yes it does, " said Sanguine. "Kiss for good luck?"" Maybe later, " said Gracious."How about a handshake?" Asked Donegan. Derek Landy

What's a Dullahan?''He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'' Headless?'' Yes.'' Seriously?'' Yes.'' So he has no head?'' That's usually what headless means.'' No head at all?'' You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'' It's just kind of silly, even for us.'' Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'' But at least he has a head.'' True.'' He even has a spare. Derek Landy

Skul-man! ' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends! ' Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. Derek Landy

Mostly we've had to found ways to amuse ourselves."" Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?" Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice." He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out. Then they both let go. laughing." Naw, " Plight said, we just play board games."..."she fell for it! " gasped Lenka. "She fell for the human sacrifice bit! Derek Landy

Here she is, ” her mum said, cooing at the baby, “my special girl.”“ Oh, cheers, ” Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes. Derek Landy