99 Quotes & Sayings By Dave Barry

Dave Barry is one of the best-known humorists of our time. He is the creator of "Dave Barry's Guide to Life," a syndicated daily comic strip in newspapers across the country. His books have been translated into more than twenty languages and have sold more than two million copies. He has won many prestigious awards for his writing, including the National Cartoonist Society's Reuben Award, the National Magazine Award for Humor, and the Silver Gavel Award from the American Bar Association Read more

He lives in Miami Shores, Florida with his wife Nancy.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason...
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings. Dave Barry
2
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.' This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson. . Dave Barry
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. Dave Barry
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me...
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The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter. Dave Barry
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Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling...
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. Dave Barry
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry
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Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right? Dave Barry
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I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself. Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of...
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Dave Barry
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As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse. Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn,...
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today...
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Dave Barry
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all...
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I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating. Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee...
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the...
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Dave Barry
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by...
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All...
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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! Dave Barry
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
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Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. Dave Barry
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You...
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The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called...
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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Dave Barry
We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how
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We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how Dave Barry
Maybe somebody finally shot the dog.
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Maybe somebody finally shot the dog. Dave Barry
Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?
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Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?" This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War? Dave Barry
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Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair. Dave Barry
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At a national political convention, you have hundreds of people who consider themselves at least as important as the Secretary of Commerce. If it's a Democratic convention, you also have dozens of A-list Hollywood and music celebrities. (If it's a Republican convention, you have Bo Derek.) Also you have swarms of lower-ranking Washington minions with titles like Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Assistant Chief of Staff who are trying to move up the ladder to Deputy Associate to the Assistant Acting Deputy Assistant Understudy. Dave Barry
If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you...
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If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it. Dave Barry
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Reading... a vacation for the mind.... Dave Barry
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In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. Dave Barry
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You should not confuse your career with your life. Dave Barry
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If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. Dave Barry
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Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. Dave Barry
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...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated. Dave Barry
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately. Dave Barry
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All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required". Dave Barry
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But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there, you'd be lost at sea now, wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land."( Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots) Dave Barry
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The Hawaiian language is quite unusual because when the original Polynesians came in their canoes, most of their consonants were washed overboard in a storm, and they arrived here with almost nothing but vowels. All the streets have names like Kal'ia'iou'amaa'aaa'eiou, and many street signs spontaneously generate new syllables during the night. Dave Barry
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The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in "calories, " which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none. Dave Barry
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I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known. Dave Barry
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. Dave Barry
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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. Dave Barry
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Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism. Dave Barry
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In the kitchen, I turn on a TV set that has hundreds of channels devoted to every conceivable subject including celebrity bunion removal (This week: David Hasselhoff). I tune in to one of the literally dozens of news shows, all of which feature a format of 55 percent celebrities promoting things, 30 percent emails from viewers, and 15 percent YouTube videos showing bears jumping on trampolines. While I'm catching up on these developments, I turn on the programmable coffeemaker, which I hope that someday, perhaps by attending community college, I will learn to program. Dave Barry
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What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo. Dave Barry
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. Dave Barry
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This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical Dave Barry
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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas! ' or 'Happy Hanukkah! ' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall! Dave Barry
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Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. Dave Barry
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You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that! Dave Barry
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You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you're the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright. Dave Barry
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Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay, ' 'heel, ' 'remove your snout from that person's groin, ' 'stop humping the Barcalounger, ' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot, ' ' do not eat poop, ' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'. Dave Barry
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Dave Barry
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. Dave Barry
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U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation’s continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House. Dave Barry
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There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater, you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent. Dave Barry
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Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows. Dave Barry
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Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example. Dave Barry
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Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking. Dave Barry
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Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. Dave Barry
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You're only young once but you can always be immature. Dave Barry
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash. Dave Barry
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Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. Dave Barry
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I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase. Dave Barry
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He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint. Dave Barry
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Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift. Dave Barry
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Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift. Dave Barry
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We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic .. . Dr. Ted Clinic. Dave Barry
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Dave Barry
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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry
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The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. Dave Barry
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. Dave Barry
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Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. Dave Barry
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The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Dave Barry
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I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. Dave Barry
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry
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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. Dave Barry
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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Dave Barry
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. Dave Barry
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The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. Dave Barry
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. Dave Barry
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. Dave Barry
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I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. Dave Barry
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. Dave Barry
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Dave Barry
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. Dave Barry
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. Dave Barry
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. Dave Barry
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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Dave Barry
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. Dave Barry
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave Barry
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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Dave Barry