109 Quotes & Sayings By Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of over 20 books, including "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal," which has been adapted into a motion picture starring Billy Bob Thornton and directed by Lasse Hallstrom. Christopher has been a guest on "The Colbert Report," "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," and "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." He is also a regular contributor to The Huffington Post.

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Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. Christopher Moore
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Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor. Christopher Moore
Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.
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Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. Christopher Moore
People, generally, suck.
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People, generally, suck. Christopher Moore
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If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them. Christopher Moore
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It’s sarcasm, Josh.”“Sarcasm?”“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”“ Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”“ There you go, you got it.”“ Got what?”“ Sarcasm.”“ No, I meant it.”“ Sure you did.”“ Is that sarcasm?”“ Irony, I think.”“ What’s the difference?”“ I haven’t the slightest idea.”“ So you’re being ironic now, right?”“ No, I really don’t know.”“ Maybe you should ask the idiot.”“ Now you’ve got it.”“ What?”“ Sarcasm. . Christopher Moore
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
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There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. Christopher Moore
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
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She's so small, yet she contains so much evil. Christopher Moore
I love you above all things, even pie.
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I love you above all things, even pie. Christopher Moore
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem...
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I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. Christopher Moore
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children,...
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Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place. Christopher Moore
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Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe. Christopher Moore
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Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give. You should be nice to people, even creeps. And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavan However, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didn't do a, b, c, and d, then you were:l) fucked . Christopher Moore
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother,...
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Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again. Christopher Moore
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I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand. Christopher Moore
He was a writer and words were his weapons.
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He was a writer and words were his weapons. Christopher Moore
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I've won Satan's lottery. Christopher Moore
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Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized. Christopher Moore
By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What...
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By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth. Christopher Moore
Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit
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Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit Christopher Moore
Routine feeds the illusion of safety...
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Routine feeds the illusion of safety... Christopher Moore
Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only...
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Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate. Christopher Moore
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As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education. Christopher Moore
... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had...
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... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu? Christopher Moore
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And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers-- I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.) Christopher Moore
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A woman’s magazine quiz: Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?” You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished . Christopher Moore
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Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese.""She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"" Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"" No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."" Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."" That's some bullshit, Troy.""It's her couch. . Christopher Moore
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Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos. Christopher Moore
Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)
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Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey, but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman! Christopher Moore
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No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce. Christopher Moore
Science, you don't know, looks like magic.
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Science, you don't know, looks like magic. Christopher Moore
All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?
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All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right? Christopher Moore
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Everyone thinks that it was the big strong caveman who got the girl, and for the most part, that may have been true, but physical strength doesn't explain how our species created civilization. I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. When the big ape men ended up running off the cliff or getting killed while trying to beat a mastodon into submission with a stick, the dreamer was standing back thinking 'Hey, that might work, but you need to run the mastodon off the cliff.' And, then he'd mate with the women left over after the go-getters got killed. Christopher Moore
Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we...
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Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong. Christopher Moore
Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the...
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Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass. Christopher Moore
Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say...
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Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy". Christopher Moore
...and thus he found his single source of joy in...
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...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis. Christopher Moore
In business, as in politics, the public is ever so...
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In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime. Christopher Moore
The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.
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The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear. Christopher Moore
Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we...
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Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.... Christopher Moore
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Don’t be so hard on yourself, You’re doing the same thing, trying to reconcile all the moms that Mom ever was - The one you wanted, the one she was when you needed her and she was there, the one she was when she didn’t understand. Most of us don’t live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we’re a whole bunch of selves. When someone dies, they all integrate into the soul - the essence of who we are, beyond the different faces we wear throughout our lives. You’re just hating the selves you’ve always hated, and loving the ones you’ve always loved. It’s bound to mess you up. Christopher Moore
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The Painting is not shit, ' said Lucien.'I know, ' said Henri. 'That was just part of the subterfuge. I am of royal lineage; subterfuge is one of the many talents we carry in our blood, along with guile and hemophilia. Christopher Moore
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Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead.' Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to 'poop on a stick, ' but sounded more succinct, like this: 'Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead, Poopstick. Christopher Moore
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I like a girl with a substantial bottom, ' said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred. Christopher Moore
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Whistler, ' Manet called. 'How's your mother? Christopher Moore
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Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?"" Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside. Christopher Moore
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I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck. Christopher Moore
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What love is not torment when a man knows not how to love himself? Talk not of drowning, but attaining your heart's desire by action: Put money in thy purse. Christopher Moore
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So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast." This is death toast sweety. Christopher Moore
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...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off. Christopher Moore
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I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another. Christopher Moore
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Children see magic because they look for it. Christopher Moore
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Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics? Christopher Moore
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Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones. Christopher Moore
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Sweet Pocket, you mustn’t ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you.”  “ Sweet Thalia, ” said I. “That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss. Christopher Moore
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You cannot believe what you do not believe, Rumi siad. I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it. Christopher Moore
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If they'd been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can't scratch. Christopher Moore
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There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin. Christopher Moore
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But Charlie could imagine, because he was a Beta Male, and imagination was his curse.... Christopher Moore
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Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him... Christopher Moore
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The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The world is led by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male. Christopher Moore
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We were seekers. You are that which is sought, Joshua. You are the source. The end is divinity, in the beginning is the word. You are the word. Christopher Moore
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The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership. Christopher Moore
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So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you! " Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) Christopher Moore
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What are you working on?" Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him." I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days." Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer. . Christopher Moore
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And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?. Christopher Moore
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Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind's roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to. Christopher Moore
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I'm beginning to wonder, " said Kent, sitting down now on an overturned wooden tub. "Who do I serve? Why am I here?" You are here, because, in the expanding ethical ambiguity of our situation, you are steadfast in your righteousness. It is to you, our banished friend, that we all turn–a light amid the dark dealings of family and politics. You are the moral backbone on which the rest of us hang our bloody bits. Without you we are merely wiggly masses of desire writhing in our own devious bile." Really?" asked the old knight. Aye, " said I.I'm not sure I want to keep company with you lot, then. Christopher Moore
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Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel. Christopher Moore
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The medium obscured the message. Christopher Moore
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She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess. Christopher Moore
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You sure about this writer thing son? Christopher Moore
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She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir? Christopher Moore
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Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic. Christopher Moore
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It's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death. Christopher Moore
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…turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you're a superhero. Christopher Moore
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One day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and fast. The next day he gave me the Datsun and went out and bought a Lincoln. Christopher Moore
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A question asked in earnest, deserves an earnest answer. Christopher Moore
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Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter. Christopher Moore
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If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes. Christopher Moore
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Don't bruise the Foo! Christopher Moore
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It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death. Christopher Moore
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My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham... Christopher Moore
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You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"" It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize."" Must be a human thing."" Exactly. Christopher Moore
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But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age."" I thought you liked redheads."" I do. What's your point? Christopher Moore
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Author's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you. Christopher Moore
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In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho. . Christopher Moore
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It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs. Christopher Moore
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That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm. Christopher Moore
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Sarcasm will make your tits fall off. Christopher Moore
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Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates. Christopher Moore
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Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, ‘I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist. Christopher Moore
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The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis. Christopher Moore
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I'm poor and my cat is huge. Christopher Moore
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Rivera rubbed his temples. "Satan told you to do it?" he said wearily." No."" Elvis?"" I told you, it's supernatural. Christopher Moore
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An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture. Christopher Moore
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She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference. Christopher Moore
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I gave you all! " screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan."And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck, " said Regan. Christopher Moore
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That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information."" Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system? Christopher Moore
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Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps. Christopher Moore