30 Quotes & Sayings By Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen was born in Miami, Florida. He is the author of twelve previous novels, including Bad Monkey, Skinny Dip, Hoot , and Nature Girl . He is also the author of a book of nonfiction essays, Scat, The Flush , and eight collections of short stories.

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper...
1
Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. Carl Hiaasen
Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.
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Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle. Carl Hiaasen
I’m waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh’s pharmacist writes...
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I’m waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh’s pharmacist writes a book. Carl Hiaasen
Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size...
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Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty. Carl Hiaasen
5
As a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and friends, and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took... . Carl Hiaasen
6
Please don't grow up to be one of those men who lie for the sport of it, and most men do. That's a fact. That's why the world is so messed up, Noah. That's why history books are full of so much heartache, and tragedy. Politicians, dictators, kings, phoney-baloney preachers-most of 'em are men, and most of 'em lie like rugs Carl Hiaasen
7
From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?"" First I need a virgin. Carl Hiaasen
8
...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me."" You don't know that."" Yeah, you're right, " Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go. Carl Hiaasen
9
Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda. Carl Hiaasen
10
Sunset on the water ought to be a quiet and easy time, but I guess some people can't stand a little silence. Carl Hiaasen
11
The classroom fell quiet, a long heavy silence that roared in Roy's ears like a train. Carl Hiaasen
12
As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers. Carl Hiaasen
13
Just because something was legal didn't automatically make it right. Carl Hiaasen
14
My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons. Carl Hiaasen
15
That's the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill. Pissing was a treat. Shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss. And everywhere you went were gullible humans who patted and hugged and fussed over you. . Carl Hiaasen
16
Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm. Carl Hiaasen
17
He paused and manufactured a chuckle. Carl Hiaasen
18
To me, the newspaper business was a way to learn about life and how things worked in the real world and how people spoke. You learn all the skills - you learn to listen, you learn to take notes - everything you use later as a novelist was valuable training in the newspaper world. But I always wanted to write novels. Carl Hiaasen
19
Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon. Carl Hiaasen
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My books are shelved in different places, depending on the bookstore. Sometimes they can be found in the Mystery section, sometimes in the Humor department, and occasionally even in the Literature aisle, which is somewhat astounding. Carl Hiaasen
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Humor can be an incredible lacerating and effective weapon. And that is the way I use it. Carl Hiaasen
22
One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb. Carl Hiaasen
23
Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that 'death panels' would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, it's hard to beat Sarah Palin's ignorant nattering on the subject. Carl Hiaasen
24
I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness. Carl Hiaasen
25
You can do the best research and be making the strongest intellectual argument, but if readers don't get past the third paragraph you've wasted your energy and valuable ink. Carl Hiaasen
26
Here's my rule: You always want to pay cash for your own books, because if they look at the name on the credit card and then they look at the name on the book jacket, then there's this look of such profound sympathy for you that you had to resort to this. It really is withering. Carl Hiaasen
27
I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something. Carl Hiaasen
28
Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you're on the front lines. Carl Hiaasen
29
My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I don't just get angry and jump on a soapbox. Carl Hiaasen