1
It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.Andy Rooney
2
We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.Andy Rooney
3
The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.Andy Rooney
4
Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.Andy Rooney
5
I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.Andy Rooney
6
I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.Andy Rooney
7
I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.Andy Rooney
8
Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.Andy Rooney
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I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.Andy Rooney
10
One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has, overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual, pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people. War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that's enough to make patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans. .Andy Rooney
11
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.Andy Rooney
12
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!.Andy Rooney
13
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.Andy Rooney
14
If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.Andy Rooney
15
It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.Andy Rooney
16
The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.Andy Rooney
17
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.Andy Rooney
18
The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.Andy Rooney
19
The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.Andy Rooney
20
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.Andy Rooney
21
For most of life nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends then the chances are you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job huge amounts of money a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If on the other hand happiness depends on a good breakfast flowers in the yard a drink or a nap then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness. .Andy Rooney
22
If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job huge amounts of money a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If on the other hand happiness depends on a good breakfast flowers in the yard a drink or a nap then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.Andy Rooney
23
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.Andy Rooney
24
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.Andy Rooney
25
Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.Andy Rooney
26
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.Andy Rooney
27
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.Andy Rooney
28
Death is a distant rumor to the young.Andy Rooney
29
Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.Andy Rooney
30
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.Andy Rooney
31
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.Andy Rooney
32
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.Andy Rooney
33
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.Andy Rooney
34
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.Andy Rooney
35
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.Andy Rooney