162 Quotes & Sayings By Ambrose Bierce

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. Ambrose Bierce

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers. Ambrose Bierce

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. Ambrose Bierce

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbour's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime, the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus. Ambrose Bierce

The exhilaration of battle was agreeable to him, but the sight of the dead, with their clay faces, blank eyes, and stiff bodies, which, when not unnaturally shrunken, were unnaturally swollen, had always intolerably affected him. He felt toward them a kind of reasonless antipathy which was something more than the physical and spiritual repugnance common to us all. Doubtless this feeling was due to his unusually acute sensibilities - his keen sense of the beautiful, which these hideous things outraged. Whatever may have been the cause, he could not look upon a dead body without a loathing which had in it an element of reselltment. What others have respected as the dignity of death had to him no existence - was altogether unthinkable. Death was a thing to be hated. It was not picturesque, it had no tender and solemn side - a dismal thing, hideous in all its manifestations and suggestions. Lieutenant Byring was a braver man than anybody knew, for nobody knew his horror of that which he was ever ready to encounter. ("A Tough Tussle") . Ambrose Bierce

OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader. Ambrose Bierce

Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably out to be. His chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. Ambrose Bierce

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. Ambrose Bierce

History — An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past. Ambrose Bierce

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity. Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n.: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. Ambrose Bierce

His act was rather that of a harmless lunatic than an enemy. We were not so new to the country as not to know that the solitary life of many a plainsman had a tendency to develop eccentricities of conduct and character not always easily distinguishable from mental aberration. A man is like a tree: in a forest of his fellows he will grow as straight as his generic and individual nature permits; alone, in the open, he yields to the deforming stresses and tortions that environ him. Ambrose Bierce

Unacquainted with grief, I knew not how to appraise my bereavement; I could not rightly estimate the strength of the stroke. Ambrose Bierce

Grief is an artist of powers as various as the instruments upon which he plays his dirges for the dead, evoking from some the sharpest, shrillest notes, from others the low, grave chords that throb recurrent like the slow beating of a distant drum. Some natures it startles; some it stupefies. To one it comes like the stroke of an arrow, stinging all the sensibilities to a keener life; to another as the blow of a bludgeon, which in crushing benumbs. Ambrose Bierce

Deep sadness is an artist of powers that affects people in different ways. To one it comes like the stroke of an arrow, shocking all the emotions to a sharper life. To another, it comes as the blow of a crushing strike. Ambrose Bierce

He thought he was walking along a dusty road that showed white in the gathering darkness of a summer night. Whence and whither it led, and why he traveled it, he did not know, though all seemed simple and natural, as is the way in dreams; for in the Land Beyond the Bed surprises cease from troubling and the judgment is at rest. Ambrose Bierce

This is only a record of broken and apparently unrelated memories, some of them as distinct and sequent as brilliant beads upon a thread, others remote and strange, having the character of crimson dreams with interspaces blank and black -- witch-fires glowing still and red in a great desolation. Ambrose Bierce

Idiot - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. Ambrose Bierce

From the vast, invisible ocean of moonlight overhead fell, here and here, a slender, broken stream that seemed to plash against the intercepting branches and trickle to earth, forming small white pools among the clumps of laurel. But these leaks were few and served only to accentuate the blackness of his environment, which his imagination found it easy to people with all manner of unfamiliar shapes, menacing, uncanny, or merely grotesque. He to whom the portentous conspiracy of night and solitude and silence in the heart of a great forest is not an unknown experience needs not to be told what another world it all is - how even the most commonplace and familiar objects take on another character. The trees group themselves differently; they draw closer together, as if in fear. The very silence has another quality than the silence of the day. And it is full of half-heard whispers, whispers that startle - ghosts of sounds long dead. There are living sounds, too, such as are never heard under other conditions: notes of strange night birds, the cries of small animals in sudden encounters with stealthy foes, or in their dreams, a rustling in the dead leaves - it may be the leap of a wood rat, it may be the footstep of a panther. What caused the breaking of that twig? What the low, alarmed twittering in that bushful of birds? There are sounds without a name, forms without substance, translations in space of objects which have not been seen to move, movements wherein nothing is observed to change its place. Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live! ("A Tough Tussle") . Ambrose Bierce

Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live! Ambrose Bierce

What did I fear, and why? – I, to whom the night had beena more familiar facethan that of man –I, in whom that element of hereditary superstition from which none of us is altogether free had given to solitude and darkness and silence only a more alluring interest and charm! Ambrose Bierce

So I say a name, even if self-bestowed, is better than a number. In the register of the potter's field I shall soon have both. What wealth! Ambrose Bierce

There, conspicuous in the light of the conflagration, lay the dead body of a woman–the white face turned upward, the hands thrown out and clutched full of grass, the clothing deranged, the long dark hair in tangles and full of clotted blood. The greater part of the forehead was torn away, and from the jagged hole the brain protruded, overflowing the temple, a frothy mass of gray, crowned with clusters of crimson bubbles–the work of a shell. The child moved his little hands, making wild, uncertain gestures. He uttered a series of inarticulate and indescribable cries–something between the chattering of an ape and the gobbling of a turkey–a startling, soulless, unholy sound, the language of a devil. The child was a deaf mute. Then he stood motionless, with quivering lips, looking down upon the wreck. Ambrose Bierce

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ambrose Bierce

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be. Ambrose Bierce

The hardest tumble a man can take is to fall over his own bluff. Ambrose Bierce

In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions. Ambrose Bierce

In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent Ambrose Bierce

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. A striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself, whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell. Ambrose Bierce

A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else. Ambrose Bierce

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. Ambrose Bierce

When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: "My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know, then, that she is capricious for she imposeth conditions that man cannot fulfill, and delinquency is punished by desertion. She cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned. One manifestation of curiosity, one sign of doubt, one expression of misgiving, and she is away! . Ambrose Bierce

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. Ambrose Bierce

They were obviously headstones of graves, though the graves themselves no longer existed as either mounds or depressions; the years had leveled all. Scattered here and there, more massive blocks showed where some pompous or ambitious monument had once flung its feeble defiance at oblivion. Ambrose Bierce

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. Ambrose Bierce

DOG: A kind of additional or subsidiary Diety designed to catch the overflow or surplus of the world's worship. Ambrose Bierce

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. Ambrose Bierce

On this night I had searched for them without success, fearing to find them; they were nowhere in the house, nor about the moonlit dawn. For, although the sun is lost to us for ever, the moon, full-orbed or slender, remains to us. Sometimes it shines by night, sometimes by day, but always it rises and sets, as in that other life. Ambrose Bierce

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for. Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support. Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. Ambrose Bierce

Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. Ambrose Bierce

You scoundrel, you have wronged me, " hissed the philosopher, "May you live forever! Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce

Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Ambrose Bierce

The echo of a platitude. Ambrose Bierce

Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose Bierce

Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it. Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer: a weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. Ambrose Bierce

Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour. Ambrose Bierce

A statesman who is enamored of existing evils as distin-quished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce

One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. Ambrose Bierce

Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is instead of as it should be. Ambrose Bierce

Mausoleum n: the final and funniest folly of the rich. Ambrose Bierce

Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Ambrose Bierce

Education n: that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Ambrose Bierce

That sovereign of insufferables. Ambrose Bierce

Destiny n: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. Ambrose Bierce

Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost. Ambrose Bierce

History n: an account mostly false of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one. Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance n: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce

Ignoramus: a person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. Ambrose Bierce

Appeal in law: to put the dice into the box for another throw. Ambrose Bierce

Litigant: a person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bone. Ambrose Bierce

Marriage n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master a mistress and two slaves making in all two. Ambrose Bierce

Philanthropist: a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. Ambrose Bierce

To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. Ambrose Bierce

Painting n: the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce

Peace: in international affairs a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. Ambrose Bierce

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. Ambrose Bierce

Responsibility n: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God Fate Fortune Luck or one's neighbour. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. Ambrose Bierce

Commendation n: the tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble but do not equal our own. Ambrose Bierce

Pray v: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Ambrose Bierce

Heathen n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. Ambrose Bierce

Infidel n: in New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion in Constantinople one who does. Ambrose Bierce

Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence. Ambrose Bierce

Perseverance n.: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves a glorious success. Ambrose Bierce